Ray

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It goes way back

That night Ray slept as soon as Sam left, to avoid all the problems poking for her attention. There were so many red flags in her mind, but for this once she chose herself over those nagging questions and lulled herself to sleep. Her life was getting tangled into a mess and she just did not want to care about it at the moment. She realized that she might not get this peaceful sleep again after today. Also, she was really exhausted.

The next morning she woke up as usual. She checked her phone while her coffee brewed. A tinge of disappointment tainted the beginning of her day as she refreshed Sam’s chat two three times. No good morning text with a little sunflower. And then it all came back to her. She had surprised herself when she had reacted the way she did. But even so, she did not let guilt guide her emotions. She was uncomfortable with how fast their relationship was advancing and she had every right to object. The only thing wrong on her part was how she chose to put it forth. Or rather how she failed to express herself in a reasonable way. She considered texting him but then decided against it thinking she still needed to think about how she wanted to take things forward with Sam. By saying what he had said last night, he had let her in on his intentions for them, and she had to decide whether or not she was ready for that. Also, she had a more pressing problem right now.

Ray scrolled through the job listings mindlessly stopping every now and then when something interesting caught her attention. But nothing was good enough. A part of her knew why she was so ignorant with her findings. That part of her was nourishing a seedling that had been striving to sprout for years but did not because Ray had refused to water it. It was so overbearing now that Ray’s eyes refused to see anything but that. Her eyes kept going back to the advertisement on the right side of the screen.

Entrepreneur. It was for some program that guided you on how to become one. Ray stared at it for longer than intended. In her mind, her thoughts went back and forth, in deliberation. She considered all the possibilities again. Weighing every outcome against her will. While still in deep thought, Ray pulled out her phone and checked her account balance up until now. It was quite the sum. Definitely enough for her to get by for a month or two till she managed to get her startup going enough to generate some income. But it also meant she would be using up most of what she had been saving to buy an apartment of her own. One thing she craved more than anything was to get out and away from this apartment. It was a huge compromise and a life altering decision.

Ray rubbed her eyes which were dry from exposure to the blue light of the computer. She leaned back and let her head hang back, so that her sight was the ceiling of her room. For a moment, Ray let go of every doubt in her mind and focused on one distant memory from her childhood. A faceless voice floated in her head.

Our Renee is so smart...she will grow up to be a scientist or a doctor.

Another familiar voice chimed in.

Oh it’s too soon to say.

You never know Linda. Have you ever asked her?

She is 5 Kacy. People seldom grow up to be what they want to be. Look at us.

Even so, have you?

I explicitly haven’t, but other people like you have. She keeps pointing at men on the Television or anywhere she can find one really.

Do you think she doesn’t identify as a female?

Again too soon to tell. But if that’s so, then that would be the biggest irony of my life.

Renee walked in on them talking so Kacy called out to her.

Renee dear, come here.

She obediently followed.

Who do you wanna be when you grow up?

Renee looked around the room as if searching for something and then pointed at a magazine on the book stand with a woman on the cover page, in a red blazer and said.

That

Kacy caught on to Renee’s limited perspective and said to Linda.

She isn’t pointing at men Linda, she is pointing at people in suits.

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