Well, that was an epic fail. Dude wouldn’t shut up about himself long enough to eat a decent dinner and ended up needing the Heimlich. Total waste of my time. They all have been these last couple years. I’ve been on more disastrous dates than FEMA during hurricane season. This last one just proved everything I’ve been thinking. No one will ever measure up to Magnus Gundersen. Fuck.
I slump onto my couch kicking my heels off and flipping on the TV. My roommate is out for the weekend with her man so I’ll be a one woman show for the next few days. I’m just going to lounge around like the world’s laziest couch potato and feel sorry for myself. Wonder if I have any double chocolate fudge ice cream left?
Making my way into our small kitchen, I am sadly disappointed to find the tiny freezer ice cream free. Damn it. No booze either. Well that just sucks big green donkey dicks. There’s nothing left to do but take my sorry ass to bed. Huffing down the short hallway, I flop on my bed face down and scream into my mattress. I want to cry, scream, throw things and pitch one hell of a fit. It just wouldn’t do me any good. It wouldn’t fix the titanic mistake I made walking away from the only man who ever loved me. All of me. Magnus.
Magnus never cared that I was a loudmouth and often inappropriate asshole. He loved me anyway. It never bothered him that I was independent as hell and gave stubborn a new definition. He was secure enough in himself to let me be the alpha female I loved being. He just simply loved me. It was sweet, pure and something I miss terribly.
See y’all think I’m just a cold hearted bitch who walked away. You might be right. I don’t know. No one understood that I needed to do this, that I needed to be more than just David Frazier’s daughter. My dad is amazing and a hell of a detective. I’m very proud of the work he does even though it often takes him away from me and Mom. He’s putting criminals in jail, off the streets so they don’t hurt anyone again. Hell yeah I’m proud of my old man! He’s the reason I want to be a detective.
It’s very hard to live in his shadow though. He’s worked some tough cases over the years and consults with the likes of the FBI, CIA and whatever other federal agency comes knocking. He’s a badass and the best dad ever. I couldn’t fill his shoes back home and I’d always be compared to him, even if people didn’t mean to. I want to be my own woman, make my own name, my own difference in this world.
I went about it the wrong way though. Dad understood. He didn’t like it but he got it. My friends might have supported me if I’d only talked to them but I was too afraid they would convince me to stay. I would have suffocated under Dad, never being allowed to shine as myself. Magnus, though, he was the hardest to walk away from. I couldn’t talk to him either because looking into his beautiful blue eyes I wouldn’t have had the strength to leave.
God that was so wrong. I should have swallowed my damned pride and talked to the people who loved me. Believe me, I’ve beat the fuck out of myself for not doing that. I’ve missed Kjersti’s birth, Roman’s wedding and so much more. Now Amber is pregnant and so is Grier. And I’m here. Alone. Because I’m a fucking idiot.
I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt a pool of wetness under my pillow. Jesus. I have to fix this. I need those assholes in my life. I’m going crazy without them. Especially Amber. That old saying you don’t know what you got till it’s gone is absolutely true. I miss it all. I don’t even care anymore about making a name for myself out from under my father’s law enforcement shadow. I’ll make due with that but I can’t make due without the people who mean the most to me anymore. I can’t make due without Magnus. I need him like I need air.
I can’t stop the sobs coming now. I’ve seen pictures lately of him with some other girl on his arm, smiling that million dollar smile at her or holding her in his arms. I had that spot and I treated it like trash, like it didn’t really mean anything. There have been several photos posted of him kissing different women and in some compromising positions. I can’t be mad even though I want to rage. It’s my fault. I drove him away and he’s moved on. I can’t blame anyone but myself and I do. God, I blame the fuck out of myself.
I can’t do this anymore. I grab my phone and call the one person I’ve always depended on to get me through tough spots. My dad. I know it’s late but he’s never missed my calls. His deep voice rumbles over the phone, settling in my heart like a warm blanket.
“Hey sweetheart.” I can’t say anything yet. I’m still trying to get myself under control. He doesn’t rush me. “Take your time, honey.”
“Dad,” I barely whisper. “I fucked up. I fucked up so bad.” The floodgates to my mouth open and I let everything out that I’ve been holding onto for the last two years. He listens patiently, just like always, letting me get it all out. “I don’t know what to do. Can I start over after such a colossal mistake?”
“You can always start over, sweetheart,” he says. “There’s unlimited chances to change and begin again.”
“Magnus has moved on, Daddy,” I squeak out. “He’s moved on and there’s no getting him back. I’m not sure any of my friends will ever talk to me again. I’m so lost!”
“I know it feels that way, Mir. I believe you can make amends but you need to understand it won’t happen overnight. It’s going to take some time for everyone to heal, including yourself. I’m here for whatever you need, little one.” Yeah I’m a daddy’s girl. He’s always called me little one and he’s still doing it at twenty six. I’m totally fine with that.
“Thanks Dad. Um, I guess I have some serious groveling to do.” He chuckles lightly.
“Let’s get you home first.” I can hear Mom’s voice in the background speaking softly to him.
“Baby you just come home.” She must have snatched the phone from him. She’s so overwhelmed with emotion she’s speaking in Korean. I understand every word and answer her. I could speak Korean before I could speak English.
“I love you, Mom,” I whisper. “I love both of you so much.” I can’t speak anymore because fresh tears are falling. Out of the titanic mess I made of my life, my parents never wavered in their support. I took that for granted but you can bet I won’t be doing that again.
“We love you too, sweetheart,” Dad says.
“Go wash your face and put on your favorite pj’s. When you wake in the morning, call us. We will help you get everything together to come home.” Mom is just as amazing as Dad.
“Ok I love you guys. I’ll talk to you in the morning, after I’ve had a cup of coffee.” Dad chuckles. We say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone. I feel better after talking with them but I’m still a big ol’ mess inside. I scroll through the pictures of me with my best friends, my sisters. The sight of their smiles and remembering the great times we had together gives me the courage to do what I need to do.
I get myself ready for bed and surprisingly, it doesn’t take long for me to fall asleep. My mind is still going at a hundred miles a minute, making list upon list of what I need to do to prepare to leave here. I don’t care about the job or anything else right now. I just need to be back where I belong, in East Point.