I know it’s happening again.
This has become a feeling I am very well acquainted with, and as unwelcome as it is I can never escape it. I feel myself swell up with emotion as I reach for my phone, knowing that I will open the picture folder, but also knowing that it is the worst thing I could possibly do right now. And yet I can’t help myself.
My heart aches as I lie alone in my bed desperately needing someone to hold me, to caress me, to be there for me…but I know I am alone. Alone because my problems are too insignificant and incomprehensible for my friends to be able to comfort me. Alone because of the choices I made. Alone because my heart no longer feels the love I once felt for the one special person in my life. It has been two months since I’ve longed to see him, since I’ve craved the feel of his lips on mine and the touch of his slender fingers on my body.
The pain of emotion chokes me as I methodically swipe my finger across the screen, going through the pictures. Each one ignites a spark of emotion within me, throwing me back to the moment each one was taken. I vividly remember what I was feeling during each of those moments, during the whole time we were together and yet now all my heart is able to feel is a dull, empty ache. I yearn to be with him, to run my fingers through his hair and feel his rough stubble under my fingertips, to plant kisses on his neck and feel his soft lips press to my own. And at the same time I know that I don’t love him.
The intense wave of emotion washes over me and reality finally hits me. I have lost the person my body and mind long for, but my heart doesn’t want. I clutch at the blanket, desperately trying to hold on to reality and subdue the emotional pain that’s making me curl into a fetal position. Tears stream down my face and I lie sobbing on my bed, lost in a whirlpool of sadness and desperation. I want him and I don’t. I am lost.
I wake up with a jolt, a dull pain radiating in my chest as a remnant of my dream. My fingers desperately clutch the blanket wrapped around me. I take a few slow breaths to steady myself and cast my gaze at the window. The moon shines through the pastel curtains, painting the room an eerie hue of gray-blue. The little bit of street light being cast onto the floor is distorted by the rain drops racing against each other on the window. The patter of rain on the glass creates an almost melancholy melody, a nocturne being composed just for me so I don’t have to suffer through the night completely devoid of company.
I wipe away a stray tear at the memory of my dream, knowing all too well that it wasn’t really a dream. Being so lost in my own world I didn’t notice being enveloped into a soft embrace and I slowly turn over. His gaze meets mine, his eyes full of undying love for me. And even though he tries his best to hide it, I can see a hint of concern for me. We lie looking at each other in silence, the rain being the only sound filling the room. Before the silence becomes too lengthy and unusual I lean forward, closing the distance between us. The kiss feels empty for me, my body simply going through the motions that have become so familiar to me over the past two years, but I know that he feels love and reassurance.
I don’t want him to be concerned or worried for me. I can’t let him know.
I don’t love him. But I love the idea of having him.