Before You Say Goodbye

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Chapter 3

Douglas was always near me and at some point I allowed him to kiss me. So often I had resolved to end this relationship, but never found the right moment and the courage to do so. After a party at which Douglas got drunk again, I took him to his parent’s house, we were walking. My mother and I lived at almost the opposite end of town at the time. I’ve always been afraid of the dark. Alone, on foot and home in the dark would have been the worst nightmare for me. Therefore, I stayed with him and for lack of alternatives, in his room. When he woke up and saw me lying next to him, he immediately started to grope me. I was aware of what he was getting at. I did not want to sleep with him. Therefore, I also told him that I was not using contraception and had never slept with a man. Cocky, he claimed that he just wanted to feel my breasts a little bit and that he could control himself in any case. I got involved in this game, stupid cow. His hands kneaded my breasts roughly. I tried to dissuade him, but he took my hand and put it on his naked cock. Until then I had not noticed that he had taken off his boxers. When I felt the naked stiff member, I wanted to pull my hand away again, but he held it tight and sucked my tits into his mouth at the same time. My breasts hurt like hell. He released my hand again and I had only one thought, to push his head off my breast. With both hands, I tried to push him away. Horrified, I felt at the same time how his hand pushed my panties aside and he penetrated me without asking. My whole body was on fire. The piercing of my hymen made me cry out and the disastrous feeling of its effusion in me had my tears rolling. After what felt like less than 3 minutes, he rolled off me and bragged about what a great fuck it was. I was unable to say or do anything. The only thing I noticed was its alcoholic stink. Sitting at the breakfast table with his parents, I didn’t want to give him a tithe, somehow I felt complicit. I could have just gotten up and left, I reproached myself. Later I missed the right moments and I also lacked the courage to address him in his hurtful way. Hoping not to be impregnated, I decided to take the pill. My period stopped and my gynecologist, whom I had only seen for the pill, told me I was pregnant. That same evening I sat with Douglas and told him about the pregnancy and that I didn’t want the child. He in turn told everything to his mother and she, in turn, talked to me every minute from then on that I should keep the child.

I could not burden my mother with my problems. She was too ill. She died only three weeks later in the hospital and never found out about my pregnancy. What I reproach myself until today and also regret very much.

My world collapsed. My ex-parents-in-law helped me a lot with the funeral and everything else, and I was able to live with them. I was very grateful to them for that, which also prevented me from telling anyone about the sexual abuse. The guardian assigned to me by the court was an ass and I also had to leave my mother’s apartment. The time for an abortion had passed and the more my belly grew, the more I was looking forward to my daughter. I stayed with Douglas because I didn’t want my daughter to grow up without a father like I did, but also because I didn’t know where else to go. However, my pregnancy was also my excuse for Douglas from the first day if he wanted to sleep with me again. But this was mostly and only the case when he came drunk from his buddies. I talked to his mother about the alcohol. But she only said that it was normal for boys at his age. His insult that I had much very small tits, I took benevolently.

The upper floor was prepared for the three of us, that is, a closet that was previously in the shed, and a wider bed was put in. I continued studying until birth. I can’t say why Douglas didn’t finish his apprenticeship. But immediately after his apprenticeship he was unemployed and enjoyed being pampered and adored by his mother. He completely ignored my pleading that he would look for a job and kept inventing new excuses for himself.

With Katharina, joy came back into my life. I had interrupted my studies because I wanted to be there only for her in her first year. Living with Douglas became more and more difficult. He didn’t care about Katharina at all, the household was only mine to manage and in bed, everything was over after 3 minutes. I even went to my gynecologist because I was always dry during sex and when he penetrated me, I had extreme pain. She recommended that I use a lubricant. Douglas, however, did not want to know anything about it.

Financially, we also slipped further and further. I only got my maternity allowance and Douglas was regularly cut off by the office when he didn’t report to work or something. Where he got the money from for his constantly new Playstation games was inexplicable to me. His mother soon reproached me that we, meaning Katharina and me, we’re living at her expense. She argued: “Since she ever paid for electricity and heating and didn’t charge us any rent, I had to help out around the house.” From that point on, I was their de facto domestic servant and they made me feel that regularly.

Every day I went to my mother’s grave with Katharina in the perambulator and it was always the happiest two hours of the day.

After the death anniversary of my mother, I met Richard by chance. My eyes were still tear-filled from the cemetery when he stood in the middle of the city and as if out of nowhere suddenly in front of me. He invited me for a cup of coffee, which 3 hours later had turned into four. We talked almost exclusively about the last fifteen months we had not seen each other. That’s how he found out about my mother’s death and the interruption of my studies. I was delighted to hear that Savannah left him two months ago because of someone else and that he lived in the house he had bought together with Savannah, albeit alone at the time. Of course, we also exchanged cell phone numbers to see if they were up to date. The conversation with him did me good and only a few minutes after we said goodbye I regretted that we had not agreed to meet again.

Why neither of us found the courage to call the other, we never understood. It was only through Douglas’s hurtful nature and treatment that Richard and I met again in the early New Year’s morning.

Douglas and I went to a New Year’s Eve party. He, however, went earlier. While I still took care of Katharina and followed him to this party about 3 hours later. It was one hour before midnight. By then he had already drunk more than enough. I asked him to stop drinking for a while so that we could toast together at midnight. My request was already too much for him and he started to insult me. Almost an hour after midnight I saw him the next time in the hall and asked him if we wanted to go home. Again he insulted me and I only heard that he still wanted to go to his buddy, Ali. Furious, I left the hall and went home alone.

Horror gripped me when I got there. I had no key and all the doors were firmly locked. With Douglas’s parents, I don’t even need to sound like that. At this time you don’t open anymore. Panic spread in me. How should I endure four hours in the cold and how would Katharina get her meal if I got sick? In my despair, I could only think of Richard. I called him, asked if he was at home and if so, whether I could come to him. His “yes” opened the floodgates of tears. We agreed on a meeting point in the city from where he would pick me up by a car, already frozen through. When we arrived at his place, he immediately pushed me into the living room and wrapped a blanket around my body. We sat across from each other with a mug of hot tea and talked. I told him that he could go to bed, but that I had to be back with my daughter at six o’clock at the latest and that I would stay in the living room if he didn’t mind. He got us another cup of hot tea and sat down with me on the couch and I leaned against him. Wrapped in the blanket and so close to him, I quickly became warm again. Soon we were teasing each other again and time passed. The feeling of security then let me fall asleep. I dreamed of Richard and how he called me. The call became more and more intense. Opening my eyes, I looked into his gentle face. Our breakfast was already on the table. After breakfast, he drove me home.

Before we left his house, however, I hugged him very tightly. He also closed his arms tightly around my body. A well-known but for a very, very long time, I no longer felt tingling spread in my stomach. I looked into his face and kissed him on the mouth. Indecisively he stood in front of me. With a, “I wish you a Happy New Year,” I tried to justify my kiss. A gentle kiss, accompanied by the words, “I wish us a healthy New Year,” I also received from him before we finally had to go on our way.

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