Prologue
Prologue
The time I was waiting for finally came; the end of senior year. Clothed in a black suit and white shirt I was twisting the last knot of tie around my neck, getting ready to leave for the graduation ceremony. Checking myself for one last time I fell in the wheel of thoughts, for a second staring at my reflection in the mirror.
It wasn’t the same broken guy who was sulking at the darkness of the room month’s back but… staring deep down in my eyes anybody would know that an unstoppable grief, a deep sorrow which was waving inside me like a tsunami, trying to drown me inside itself. If it wasn’t for those promises I'm sure I would have drowned in the same darkness already.
Then again at the corner of mirror there is the reflection of my graduation gown on the bed,
“I want to see you in your graduation gown.” that was forming a lump in my throat. An unbearable, indescribable pain that wasn’t citable. If I try to explain; my heart was set on fire burning slowly torturing me to dead but not taking my life, it felt like a thousand stab in the heart but there wasn’t a drop of blood shedding.
“Son, are you ready?” My dad called from the other side of my bedroom door, averting my attention. He opened the door busy with his own tie.
“Hmm.” I hummed in response looking down to hide the few tears formed in my eyes. Looking up from the work in hand his own eyes tearing up. He is the only person that can read me like a book. He knows I'm still suffering but he isn’t forcing me into anything instead giving me a shoulder to cry whenever I break down.
“When did you grow up my little buddy?” With teary eyes, still not letting his tears fall he came forward standing in front of me. This time my tears betrayed me. Dad reached out instead of me dabbing the few escaped tears that fell. Sniffing silently, my eyes were still on the ground. His hand reaches up to the side of my face forcing me to meet his gaze. “I’m proud of you my son, be sure that she is too.”
“Just never forget one thing, if you break down it's ok, I will always be here for you, if you’re falling I will always be here to pick you up again. Nothing in this world can alleviate the pain you’re feeling here...” He said putting his hand on my heart, tapping twice. “But remember, before this you were living for yourself the way you desired now, you have to do for someone else too.”
Squeezing my shoulder in an attempt to assure me he steps back waiting for a reply from me. Was I assured or not, was this pain going to end, will I ever somewhen accept that she is gone or not, the regret I had, will it end any day? I didn’t know the answer to any of these questions. But I do want her to be proud of me.
“Thanks dad.” Before I broke down I hugged my dad tightly. He was my stone in this last month, saving me from insanity.
“Anything for you my son. Come on, it's time to go, Miss Louis will be waiting for us at the school.” With one last pat on my back he takes my graduation gown from the bed to put it in the car leaving me behind. I will wear it when it's needed, but I can't handle it right now.
When dad left the room I exhaled a deep breath glancing at the wooden box that was set on the study desk. Moving toward my desk I stand there looking down at the wooden material. It was beautiful like her. Opening the box, I took out the fountain pen from the top of the letter; her last remainder, putting it in the side pocket of my suit. Leaving the house with a reminder of her close to my heart praying that it would give me strength for what I had to do today.
All the way to school my head was down not having the courage of looking out. In a way I was living those promises except for one; I couldn’t go to that garden after she left, I still couldn’t get used to not thinking of her, everything was reminding me of her. Those memories were too deep to be forgotten easily; even carving those with blades won’t make a single memory vanish. She melted the stone I named heart once, engraving her name on the soft flesh that couldn’t be destroyed, even if I try to destroy it I will die myself.
In the gambling game of life, I lose everything to her and that little gambler runs away taking everything with her leaving a pile of moments and memories for me. How was I supposed to live? Did she think of that? She always thought about everything upfront just this last time she didn’t. I don’t remember how she managed to do all that but I do remember how it all started, from where it started, the day I found her; my ray of light, my sunshine, my butterfly.
The time I was waiting for finally came; the end of senior year. Clothed in a black suit and white shirt I was twisting the last knot of tie around my neck, getting ready to leave for the graduation ceremony. Checking myself for one last time I fell in the wheel of thoughts, for a second staring at my reflection in the mirror.
It wasn’t the same broken guy who was sulking at the darkness of the room month’s back but… staring deep down in my eyes anybody would know that an unstoppable grief, a deep sorrow which was waving inside me like a tsunami, trying to drown me inside itself. If it wasn’t for those promises I'm sure I would have drowned in the same darkness already.
Then again at the corner of mirror there is the reflection of my graduation gown on the bed,
“I want to see you in your graduation gown.” that was forming a lump in my throat. An unbearable, indescribable pain that wasn’t citable. If I try to explain; my heart was set on fire burning slowly torturing me to dead but not taking my life, it felt like a thousand stab in the heart but there wasn’t a drop of blood shedding.
“Son, are you ready?” My dad called from the other side of my bedroom door, averting my attention. He opened the door busy with his own tie.
“Hmm.” I hummed in response looking down to hide the few tears formed in my eyes. Looking up from the work in hand his own eyes tearing up. He is the only person that can read me like a book. He knows I'm still suffering but he isn’t forcing me into anything instead giving me a shoulder to cry whenever I break down.
“When did you grow up my little buddy?” With teary eyes, still not letting his tears fall he came forward standing in front of me. This time my tears betrayed me. Dad reached out instead of me dabbing the few escaped tears that fell. Sniffing silently, my eyes were still on the ground. His hand reaches up to the side of my face forcing me to meet his gaze. “I’m proud of you my son, be sure that she is too.”
“Just never forget one thing, if you break down it's ok, I will always be here for you, if you’re falling I will always be here to pick you up again. Nothing in this world can alleviate the pain you’re feeling here...” He said putting his hand on my heart, tapping twice. “But remember, before this you were living for yourself the way you desired now, you have to do for someone else too.”
Squeezing my shoulder in an attempt to assure me he steps back waiting for a reply from me. Was I assured or not, was this pain going to end, will I ever somewhen accept that she is gone or not, the regret I had, will it end any day? I didn’t know the answer to any of these questions. But I do want her to be proud of me.
“Thanks dad.” Before I broke down I hugged my dad tightly. He was my stone in this last month, saving me from insanity.
“Anything for you my son. Come on, it's time to go, Miss Louis will be waiting for us at the school.” With one last pat on my back he takes my graduation gown from the bed to put it in the car leaving me behind. I will wear it when it's needed, but I can't handle it right now.
When dad left the room I exhaled a deep breath glancing at the wooden box that was set on the study desk. Moving toward my desk I stand there looking down at the wooden material. It was beautiful like her. Opening the box, I took out the fountain pen from the top of the letter; her last remainder, putting it in the side pocket of my suit. Leaving the house with a reminder of her close to my heart praying that it would give me strength for what I had to do today.
All the way to school my head was down not having the courage of looking out. In a way I was living those promises except for one; I couldn’t go to that garden after she left, I still couldn’t get used to not thinking of her, everything was reminding me of her. Those memories were too deep to be forgotten easily; even carving those with blades won’t make a single memory vanish. She melted the stone I named heart once, engraving her name on the soft flesh that couldn’t be destroyed, even if I try to destroy it I will die myself.
In the gambling game of life, I lose everything to her and that little gambler runs away taking everything with her leaving a pile of moments and memories for me. How was I supposed to live? Did she think of that? She always thought about everything upfront just this last time she didn’t. I don’t remember how she managed to do all that but I do remember how it all started, from where it started, the day I found her; my ray of light, my sunshine, my butterfly.
