Life Changing
*Trigger warning - mentions cutting and subtle suicide thoughts.*
Fallon wakes up with a tear-stained face. The memories of the previous night haunting her thoughts.
"Fallon, mom got in an accident." She remembers her dad stating.
She barely heard the rest of the conversation as she felt her heartbreak. She's gone. My mom is gone. We didn't even get to say goodbye. These thoughts raced through Fallon's head. After hearing this disturbing news, Fallon wanted nothing but to be alone. So, she went to her room. No one dared to bother her. Her dad knew she would come out when she was ready. His mistake was leaving her alone with her thoughts.
Fallon looked at the clock to see she had slept for three hours. She remembers begging her mind to stop thinking last night so she could sleep. After waking up Fallon wants nothing more than to go back to sleep. At least when she's asleep she can't feel. She lays there in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about all the memories of her and her mom.
She thought about when she was twelve and became the princess. How her mom calmed her nerves and helped her through a stressful day. Whenever Fallon needed to talk her mom was always there and willing to be a listening ear.
"How can such a loving soul be gone?' She asked herself not being able to fully grasp the complete 180.
Fallon grabs her phone and starts to look through the pictures of her and her mom, remembering the fond memories attached to each picture. This causes a whole new flood of tears to be released. The part that makes this even more real and sad is imagining the future.
Her kids won't know their grandma. Her mom won't be at her wedding to ease her racing mind and doubts, that there were bound to be. She thinks back to her eighteenth birthday just last week. She remembers how happy everyone was. Once again, she stares at the ceiling and just closes her eyes begging every God, she can think of to numb her.
At least if she were numb, she wouldn't feel the piece of her heart that died with her mom. She knew that this pain would stay fresh for months to come. She envied the people who got to say goodbye to their loved ones. Who didn't get ripped away to earlier when they were still needed. Fallon knew she still needed her mom. But for unknown reasons God wanted her.
She knew she should be happy that her mom's in a better place, but selfishly she wished they had more time together. Once again, she looked at the time and saw it was 3:00 PM. She hasn't eaten in almost a day, but she hasn't the slightest appetite. Once again, she laid down trying to turn her thoughts off, but couldn't to her dismay.
So instead, she laid there. The growing pain in her chest became unbearable until she did the unthinkable. She went into her bathroom and grabbed her razor. She looked down at her untouched wrist and slowly dragged the razor across. She thought that any pain would distract her from her own thoughts.
She was proven wrong when her mom continued to swallow her being. She looked down at her bleeding arm and pushed toilet paper against it. She returns to her bed and eventually the bleeding stops. Once again, she feels tears streaming down her face, her first heartbreak without her mom to soften the pain. Her entire world was shifted from under her.
She was consumed by her thoughts for the rest of the day. She is pulled from her light sleep when there is a knock on her door.
"Come in." She mumbles lazily not caring who it is.
The door opens revealing her father who has red eyes with bags under them. She had been so wrapped up in herself she forgot how her dad must be in severe pain. To lose the love of your life. She can't imagine.
"We need to talk about what will be happening with mom gone." He says with a weak voice.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I will be stepping down as king. Which means you will become the queen of Halla. Which also means you need to get married." He says causing her heart to tighten.
"How soon?" I manage to ask.
"Next week." He mutters barely above a whisper. "King Miles of Pegna needs a queen. You will marry and unite the two regions into one. Then you two will rule together over Hallna." He adds.
"She died last night, yet somehow you have my whole life planned out for me!" Fallon yells bitterly her voice dripping with anger.
Her dad just looks up with a sad expression and leaves. She's left on her bed, yet again alone with her thoughts. 'Such a dangerous thing.' She thinks to herself. She closes her eyes trying to turn everything off. She opens her eyes and looks at her phone after hearing a ding.
"I'm sorry about everything." She reads the text from her dad. "Mom's funeral will be in three days, on Monday. I imagine the news outlets will be reporting it tonight and tomorrow." He finishes. She throws her phone to the other side of the bed not bothering to respond. She resumes her previous position. Laying down except this time she doesn't close her eyes.
The continuous tears stream down her face. They slowly turn into a sob. She grabs her mouth to muffle the loud wheezes escaping her mouth. She's crying harder than she ever has. After gasping for air, she finally manages to control herself. She quiets her sobs to a silent cry. The most heartbreaking kind.
Tired of laying around she decides to go for a walk. She leaves her room carefully determined to leave unnoticed. She succeeds and walks outside. Knowing she must stay on their property due to paparazzi; she walked the trail into the woods. She walks and walks until her legs get tired. Only then does she turn around and start the long walk back. The whole time thinking of all the what if's and possibilities concerning her mom.
'What if I would have asked her to stay? What if she took another route home?' All these scenarios would probably have resulted in her mom is with her today, but it's too late for any of that. The house becomes in view and Fallon cuts back her pace, now barely moving. She walks over to the abandoned wood swing and sits down. She closes her eyes and lets the sun explore every inch of her body.
Feeling the sun on this cold winter day was an escape. The heat warming her face was almost enough to make her smile. Keyword, almost. She continues to swing until it gets dark. She hears her stomach growl, the first time she can even entertain the idea of eating in days. She walks into the house and into the kitchen. After grabbing a quick snack she headed back to her room.
She eats the bag is chips then lays down wanting to stop thinking and feeling. Finally, she feels sleep consumes her. Fallon groans at the aching in her neck. As she wakes up she feels her sore neck due to the lack of a pillow. She stretches her neck and looks at her phone to check the time. See that it's now Saturday afternoon she decides to take a bath to relax.
After starting the water and pouring some bubble bath in she goes back to her room to get the book she's currently reading. Taking her clothes off she puts them in the hamper and steps into the steaming bathwater. Fallon spends the next few hours just reading in the water. She drains the water then grabs her towel to dry off.
Putting on some sweats and a crop top she then puts her book on her dresser. She opens her balcony doors desperately needing fresh air. Sitting on the ground she grabs her phone and starts her sad playlist. She listens to music while thinking about her mom. Tears stream down her face as she looks at the setting sun.
'Who knew being so sad could make you so tired?' She asks herself. Fallon had never experienced this level of heartbreak. Hell, she's never experienced any heartbreak. Since she's a princess and her whole life is public she has no friends and never had a boyfriend.
All of these feelings were foreign to her. She gets distracted by all the music and memories for hours. She hears a knock on the door causing her eyes to snap open. The door opens before she can respond.
"Oh sorry, I thought you were asleep." Her dad says getting ready to leave.
"Did you need something?" Fallon asks disregarding his apology.
"I wanted to tell you that you'll be meeting Miles Monday after the funeral."
"Have you met him? What is he like?" Fallon asks walking over and sitting on her bed.
"Yes, I have. He's known as being a good leader. I must say he seems kind of emotionless." Her dad says with a blank look.
Fallon doesn't respond, just nods. Her dad takes the hint and leaves. Fallon could feel her breath quicken. She has quietly struggled with severe anxiety and panic attacks for a couple of years now. She finally calms her racing heart after her sixth panic attack in two days.
Determined to fix her sleep schedule Fallon lays down and closes her eyes. She tries to force her mind to shut off. When that doesn't work she settles on calming her mind. After hours of silence and darkness, Fallon once again finds herself asleep.
Fallon opens her eyes only to be met with the sun's violent rays. She gets out of bed and decides she going to have a normal day. At least as normal as she can, all things considered. She takes a quick shower and throws on an outfit. After brushing her hair, she grabs her makeup bag and puts on a natural look.
Content with her looks she decides to go for another walk. After closing the door behind her she zips up her puffy coat. She starts walking in a random direction, with no destination in mind. 'That kind of how life is. No matter what I plan something always changes it.' Fallon thinks to herself. She's given up on hope. Hoping for a good life.
A good future. A future in general. She decides to sit down in the middle of the open pasture. She lays on her back staring at the sky, imagining her mom looking down at her. She feels all her worries and anxiety disappear as it's just her for hundreds of feet. The peaceful chirp of birds and scurrying of other animals replacing her thought.
She feels like a physical weight has been lifted off her. This is the best she's felt in days. She could stay like this for hours. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and plays her playlist filled with sad songs. She lays there. Almost paralyzed listening to the soft music playing.
That's when she realizes she did it. She's finally numb. What a weird feeling. She sits up after half an hour and starts to walk with her music still going. She walks farther than she's ever walked before. As she walks through this unfamiliar part of their land, she thinks about the duties that come with being queen.
A lot more than when she's a princess. At least her mom was there to help her. Her mom won't be able to help her learn her new duties. She feels a tear roll down her face. Determined to change the subject she decides to think about Miles. Would he be kind? Would he help her recover from the pain and heartbreak she's experiencing? As much as she hates to admit it, she is almost excited to meet him after the funeral.
Well, excited isn't the right word, but she has feelings about it. Almost anticipation.
Fallon wakes up with a tear-stained face. The memories of the previous night haunting her thoughts.
"Fallon, mom got in an accident." She remembers her dad stating.
She barely heard the rest of the conversation as she felt her heartbreak. She's gone. My mom is gone. We didn't even get to say goodbye. These thoughts raced through Fallon's head. After hearing this disturbing news, Fallon wanted nothing but to be alone. So, she went to her room. No one dared to bother her. Her dad knew she would come out when she was ready. His mistake was leaving her alone with her thoughts.
Fallon looked at the clock to see she had slept for three hours. She remembers begging her mind to stop thinking last night so she could sleep. After waking up Fallon wants nothing more than to go back to sleep. At least when she's asleep she can't feel. She lays there in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about all the memories of her and her mom.
She thought about when she was twelve and became the princess. How her mom calmed her nerves and helped her through a stressful day. Whenever Fallon needed to talk her mom was always there and willing to be a listening ear.
"How can such a loving soul be gone?' She asked herself not being able to fully grasp the complete 180.
Fallon grabs her phone and starts to look through the pictures of her and her mom, remembering the fond memories attached to each picture. This causes a whole new flood of tears to be released. The part that makes this even more real and sad is imagining the future.
Her kids won't know their grandma. Her mom won't be at her wedding to ease her racing mind and doubts, that there were bound to be. She thinks back to her eighteenth birthday just last week. She remembers how happy everyone was. Once again, she stares at the ceiling and just closes her eyes begging every God, she can think of to numb her.
At least if she were numb, she wouldn't feel the piece of her heart that died with her mom. She knew that this pain would stay fresh for months to come. She envied the people who got to say goodbye to their loved ones. Who didn't get ripped away to earlier when they were still needed. Fallon knew she still needed her mom. But for unknown reasons God wanted her.
She knew she should be happy that her mom's in a better place, but selfishly she wished they had more time together. Once again, she looked at the time and saw it was 3:00 PM. She hasn't eaten in almost a day, but she hasn't the slightest appetite. Once again, she laid down trying to turn her thoughts off, but couldn't to her dismay.
So instead, she laid there. The growing pain in her chest became unbearable until she did the unthinkable. She went into her bathroom and grabbed her razor. She looked down at her untouched wrist and slowly dragged the razor across. She thought that any pain would distract her from her own thoughts.
She was proven wrong when her mom continued to swallow her being. She looked down at her bleeding arm and pushed toilet paper against it. She returns to her bed and eventually the bleeding stops. Once again, she feels tears streaming down her face, her first heartbreak without her mom to soften the pain. Her entire world was shifted from under her.
She was consumed by her thoughts for the rest of the day. She is pulled from her light sleep when there is a knock on her door.
"Come in." She mumbles lazily not caring who it is.
The door opens revealing her father who has red eyes with bags under them. She had been so wrapped up in herself she forgot how her dad must be in severe pain. To lose the love of your life. She can't imagine.
"We need to talk about what will be happening with mom gone." He says with a weak voice.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I will be stepping down as king. Which means you will become the queen of Halla. Which also means you need to get married." He says causing her heart to tighten.
"How soon?" I manage to ask.
"Next week." He mutters barely above a whisper. "King Miles of Pegna needs a queen. You will marry and unite the two regions into one. Then you two will rule together over Hallna." He adds.
"She died last night, yet somehow you have my whole life planned out for me!" Fallon yells bitterly her voice dripping with anger.
Her dad just looks up with a sad expression and leaves. She's left on her bed, yet again alone with her thoughts. 'Such a dangerous thing.' She thinks to herself. She closes her eyes trying to turn everything off. She opens her eyes and looks at her phone after hearing a ding.
"I'm sorry about everything." She reads the text from her dad. "Mom's funeral will be in three days, on Monday. I imagine the news outlets will be reporting it tonight and tomorrow." He finishes. She throws her phone to the other side of the bed not bothering to respond. She resumes her previous position. Laying down except this time she doesn't close her eyes.
The continuous tears stream down her face. They slowly turn into a sob. She grabs her mouth to muffle the loud wheezes escaping her mouth. She's crying harder than she ever has. After gasping for air, she finally manages to control herself. She quiets her sobs to a silent cry. The most heartbreaking kind.
Tired of laying around she decides to go for a walk. She leaves her room carefully determined to leave unnoticed. She succeeds and walks outside. Knowing she must stay on their property due to paparazzi; she walked the trail into the woods. She walks and walks until her legs get tired. Only then does she turn around and start the long walk back. The whole time thinking of all the what if's and possibilities concerning her mom.
'What if I would have asked her to stay? What if she took another route home?' All these scenarios would probably have resulted in her mom is with her today, but it's too late for any of that. The house becomes in view and Fallon cuts back her pace, now barely moving. She walks over to the abandoned wood swing and sits down. She closes her eyes and lets the sun explore every inch of her body.
Feeling the sun on this cold winter day was an escape. The heat warming her face was almost enough to make her smile. Keyword, almost. She continues to swing until it gets dark. She hears her stomach growl, the first time she can even entertain the idea of eating in days. She walks into the house and into the kitchen. After grabbing a quick snack she headed back to her room.
She eats the bag is chips then lays down wanting to stop thinking and feeling. Finally, she feels sleep consumes her. Fallon groans at the aching in her neck. As she wakes up she feels her sore neck due to the lack of a pillow. She stretches her neck and looks at her phone to check the time. See that it's now Saturday afternoon she decides to take a bath to relax.
After starting the water and pouring some bubble bath in she goes back to her room to get the book she's currently reading. Taking her clothes off she puts them in the hamper and steps into the steaming bathwater. Fallon spends the next few hours just reading in the water. She drains the water then grabs her towel to dry off.
Putting on some sweats and a crop top she then puts her book on her dresser. She opens her balcony doors desperately needing fresh air. Sitting on the ground she grabs her phone and starts her sad playlist. She listens to music while thinking about her mom. Tears stream down her face as she looks at the setting sun.
'Who knew being so sad could make you so tired?' She asks herself. Fallon had never experienced this level of heartbreak. Hell, she's never experienced any heartbreak. Since she's a princess and her whole life is public she has no friends and never had a boyfriend.
All of these feelings were foreign to her. She gets distracted by all the music and memories for hours. She hears a knock on the door causing her eyes to snap open. The door opens before she can respond.
"Oh sorry, I thought you were asleep." Her dad says getting ready to leave.
"Did you need something?" Fallon asks disregarding his apology.
"I wanted to tell you that you'll be meeting Miles Monday after the funeral."
"Have you met him? What is he like?" Fallon asks walking over and sitting on her bed.
"Yes, I have. He's known as being a good leader. I must say he seems kind of emotionless." Her dad says with a blank look.
Fallon doesn't respond, just nods. Her dad takes the hint and leaves. Fallon could feel her breath quicken. She has quietly struggled with severe anxiety and panic attacks for a couple of years now. She finally calms her racing heart after her sixth panic attack in two days.
Determined to fix her sleep schedule Fallon lays down and closes her eyes. She tries to force her mind to shut off. When that doesn't work she settles on calming her mind. After hours of silence and darkness, Fallon once again finds herself asleep.
Fallon opens her eyes only to be met with the sun's violent rays. She gets out of bed and decides she going to have a normal day. At least as normal as she can, all things considered. She takes a quick shower and throws on an outfit. After brushing her hair, she grabs her makeup bag and puts on a natural look.
Content with her looks she decides to go for another walk. After closing the door behind her she zips up her puffy coat. She starts walking in a random direction, with no destination in mind. 'That kind of how life is. No matter what I plan something always changes it.' Fallon thinks to herself. She's given up on hope. Hoping for a good life.
A good future. A future in general. She decides to sit down in the middle of the open pasture. She lays on her back staring at the sky, imagining her mom looking down at her. She feels all her worries and anxiety disappear as it's just her for hundreds of feet. The peaceful chirp of birds and scurrying of other animals replacing her thought.
She feels like a physical weight has been lifted off her. This is the best she's felt in days. She could stay like this for hours. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and plays her playlist filled with sad songs. She lays there. Almost paralyzed listening to the soft music playing.
That's when she realizes she did it. She's finally numb. What a weird feeling. She sits up after half an hour and starts to walk with her music still going. She walks farther than she's ever walked before. As she walks through this unfamiliar part of their land, she thinks about the duties that come with being queen.
A lot more than when she's a princess. At least her mom was there to help her. Her mom won't be able to help her learn her new duties. She feels a tear roll down her face. Determined to change the subject she decides to think about Miles. Would he be kind? Would he help her recover from the pain and heartbreak she's experiencing? As much as she hates to admit it, she is almost excited to meet him after the funeral.
Well, excited isn't the right word, but she has feelings about it. Almost anticipation.
