"Toxic" - a spoken word poem by Nae
Lovin’ you unconditional has kept me imprisoned by my own mind and volition for the past 182 days approximately.
Even though I know that for our time together you mistreated me on multiple occasions to the point where I felt as if I was slavin’ for your love
Pennies savin to purchase you items to display your significance to me through
Family sayin’ you
Toxic, yet I negated your tendencies cause when I had nobody like Randy Newman in TS movies 1, 2, and 3, 4, ya told me “you got a friend in me”
The hands that you lent and the time that you spent with me when I felt exiled
Moments compiled gradually so when you requested that we build our bond to the next level like Tetris, I thought “bet sis!”
My conscience is finally clear as I can finally declare “thank you next sis!”
My mental shackles I’ve decided to free myself of,
To stop
Casting the first stone on myself and have began to
Cultivate self love
I have learned the difference between living for you and loving you an’
Have decided for the sake of saving myself that its somethin’ I - no longer want to do.
Kept waiting pleadin’ and watchin’ tarot readings for the feelings it would bring me, excited at the sheer possibility that if you could forgive me that
Maybe my life I would deserve to get to live out and see?
Meet someone who could treat me better than you and ask to marry me?
That’s all I wanted yuh see - thought our story would be like the fairytale classics Disney
That you’d be loyal to me like Bobby, Whitney or Dwayne an’ Whitley damn
I’ll be the first to admit my hands were unclean
Have come to the conclusion that you were at the time incapable of loving me
While I can’t deny the emotional impact my mistake had on you
Personally cannot compare it to all the pain you put me through
I held no grudges against you, yet all my feelings was pent up cause of all the restrictions and control you
Had placed over me.
Designated time slots for us to make calls? It felt like you were controlling me -
When I brought it up, through your same methods you would snap at me and shortly after you would use to
Console me
You told me I deserved better than how those in the digital atmosphere treated me.
Because you acknowledged that I felt safe to be with you - thought that like a knight you would’ve shielded me,
Besides since the quarantine started your kind words about my identity and passion for spoken word was highkey healing me.
Was slowly revealing my true identity unveiled like layers peeled back from an onion.
Felt strong like Hercules.
Felt at home in my body
Felt armed like the navy
Thought more positively of myself like how my skin glistened like Baby
Down to how my bars hit heavy like Puff and Jay-Z
Went from feeling like an A List celebrity to paparazzi “no pictures please” and “Let Nas Down” by J.Cole.
Now feel like Meek on his joint “42 Flows”
Excited, my passion reignited - in that my true talents have been rediscovered and through my growing platform, exposed
That I create my own reality and my thoughts I can control.
Even though sometimes intrusively they creep in
Like Kirk Franklin I smile no creases
The shattering of my heart happened and I was able to pick up the pieces
Relieved to be out the mindset that I need somebody attached to me to feel decent
By my relationship with you I used to be defined, was drained by the negative thoughts brought on by you that I had to deny an’
To my delight have finally realized that
Lovin’ you unconditional has kept me imprisoned by my own mind and volition for the past 182 days approximately.
Even though I know that for our time together you mistreated me on multiple occasions to the point where I felt as if I was slavin’ for your love
Pennies savin to purchase you items to display your significance to me through
Family sayin’ you
Toxic yet I negated your tendencies cause when I had nobody like Randy Newman in TS movies 1, 2, and 3, 4, ya told me “you got a friend in me”
The hands that you lent and the time you spent with me when I felt exiled
Moments compiled gradually so when you requested that we build our bond to the next level like Tetris, I thought “bet sis!”
My conscience is finally clear as I can finally declare “thank you next sis!”
My mental shackles I’ve decided to free myself of,
To stop
Castin’ the first stone on myself and have began to
Cultivate self love
I have learned the difference between living for you and loving you an’
Have decided for the sake of saving myself that it's somethin’ I - no longer want to do.
