Locked Away In the Name of Love
Her eyes were hypnotic, it almost sucked, in a Machiavellian way. I couldn’t take it anymore, seemingly molded and broken through guilt and projected shame. I didn’t exactly know if it was from me breaking loose from Mary and feeling lifeless since my heart was still in her--or its keeping.
I would have had the strength to ask for it back, but at that point, I felt powerless. Put-out. Destroyed. I couldn’t even look toward the prince or the cat for any type of comfort, because I would have...
I just wanted to step. Just slowly step my way toward a better life with them. No chains to bind me. I’d already tasted hell. The chasmic emptiness in which I’m feeling now reflects it, as does the worry on my friends’ faces. Not a single thing to fear.
I just had to move forward and try again to heal...somehow.
Couldn’t I do that? Was I so brainlessly inept before not to? Was I--no. No more negativity, dammit.
I was, effective Saturday, September 10th, 2016, something. Not quite myself, not quite hers either. And it confused me and delighted me and saddened me and made me feel like a woman who just escaped an emotionally pernicious relationship and yet sinking into a slight depression because I’m used to shoving emotions in the back of my mind as if they were objects.
I needed help. I couldn’t face the fact that I needed it at all.
The cat, however, knew it, and as we sat staring at the rain falling from the sky, I snuggled its plush coequal and sighed as it disappeared into the night, smiling.
"Believe me, little one... You’re not the only one frustrated with themselves and feeling unable to do anything. All you need to do is sincerely try. And each day you’ll grow a bit more..."
I sighed again, then smiled. It felt like I was a corpse or something and that Mary, or any of these people, was just waiting for me to rise from the dirt and join the family.
"Well, I guess you--almost, won. All you need to do is induce. Use your power over my heart and my secret craving to be better, to earn my soul through suffering, my passion for my art, my friends, my--love--for--the--prince--that, may I remind you, YOU orchestrated for some reason or other...to get me to fully become yours at last and sit at His table."
I felt dead. That was it. Dead, and seemingly controlled in essence like a mouse tossed around by a very luscious cat.
I also felt angry, and confused, and despite plugging my ears to the hypnagogic sound of her voice, I could still hear something.
Is that what it meant to fully suffer for a purpose? Is this what it meant to take the throne? How was I going to lead anything?!
"Blessed be, Mother of God. Blessed be...I guess. I mean, I know it's not your thing and all, but still--um, let's see...one, two, three. Yeah, that looks like enough, and it smells like dew as it drops on a plant or just after rain stops outside."