Mary Christof, Queen of Hearts

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Vampire Friars: A Subsidiary of Hostess Snacks

I didn't sense the figure's presence, but its fingers felt nice running down my spine and belly before it moved onto the prince's side of the bed, her teeth shimmering in the darkness.

"You thought you could hide this from God, impregnating one of His daughters? Heheheheh...well, well, well, boy--we'll see about that!" The figure then grinned a wide Cheshire grin, before floating back to my side of the bed and noting my tiny stomach, turning the grin into a smirk before whispering into my ear and disappearing, taking the cat plush with it.

They started out small, performing slight somnambulism for foodstuffs such as Twinkies, a ham found in the fridge, a sandwich covered in an unusual mold but still went down easily...

...but then it slowly morphed into a--shall we say--a wicked, almost slavish hunger for the most minuscule of things.
"Wafer bread? And--wine, you said? Shit!"
The prince looked around, his cheeks flushed with worry before eying something in the corner of the fridge.
"Ho-Ho and grape juice? How will that work out? You know what? Screw it, I'm doing the best I can here, since I got my Ding-Dong in this about a cream filled eclair, would that do?"
Cue the most erotic moaning someone dressed in a nun habit could possibly dish out. "I'll take that as a yes, then...oh, peppermint dicks on a Christmas tree, it's 4 a.m."
The wind giggled in delight before he swiftly shut the window.

"What are we gonna do about them? Our little princess has a streak, and her boyfriend's stroking it! Not to mention it warped into Hedwig! All of that self-doubt and sin..."
The cat scurried around her feet, het up with anxiousness before she picked him up and put her finger to his lips.
"Relax, pet--this is quite a development for our little girl, and I want to see how this is leading, now that I've assisted her in feeding the child--which reminds me..."
Several whispers and a grapevine later, along with the booming voice of God Himself and something that could only be described as motherly pain through the blissful effects of various drugs, I sighed and chuckled and almost felt myself tearing at a wall screeching in agony like an addict screaming at a dealer during a very bad trip. "THE AGONY! THE AGONY! SOMEBODY HELP!!! HELP!!!"

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