Chapter 48: Three Years later
Psycho and I have been married for three years now. Gunner married Lisa and they are expecting their first child. I watch as her belly grows and I am so sad.
I have not gotten pregnant yet. Maybe I can't have kids. Lisa and gunner have been married for one year. She got pregnant during their honeymoon.
I have been going to the woods more and more with Spike. I try not to hate Gunner and Lisa. It is not their fault she got pregnant.
But, I can't be around her. I don't understand why Psycho and I have not gotten pregnant. I walked back to the club and Sara asked if I had any Tylenol.
Sure, she followed me to my bedroom. I walked into the bathroom and took out the bottle and handed it to her. I walked into the bedroom and looked out the window.
As I opened the bottle and poured two of the pills in my hand I stared at them. Oh, god no. Psycho what are you doing? I knew Jeannie's doctor told her to take one of these daily.
I put one back and closed the lid. I walked out and thanked her. I stormed down the hallway and looked at Lisa.
"Have you seen Psycho?"
"Yes, he is in Gunners office."
"Come with me."
Lisa and I walked into the office and said, "Everyone out but Psycho and Gunner."
After they left I walked over to the table. I handed the pill to Lisa.
"What the hell is this? This is a birth control pill."
"Where did you get this from Sara?"
"I asked Jeannie for some Tylenol."
"These were in that bottle."
"Psycho why are you doing this to her? How long have you and the doc underhandedly been giving these to her?"
"She wants a child with the you. I just don't understand."
"I can't have a child. Don't you understand?"
"Psycho, you would never hurt your child. or any child."
"I don't know that."
"Well, we do."
They did not see me standing at the door. I wanted to talk to Gunner.
"I love Jeannie, and if I were ever to hurt our child not even meaning to she would hate me."
"You are not like your father Psycho. You would never hurt your child."
"How long have you been giving these to her?"
"for four years."
"Dammit Psycho, you are going to break her heart."
I was shocked that Psycho did not talk to me about this. I stood there with tears flowing down my face. They turned and looked at me.
"Psycho, you don't want to have a baby with me?"
"Jeannie, it is not that."
I turned and ran down the hallway past the members and down the hall to our bedroom. I slammed the door shut locked it including the three deadbolts. I pushed the dresser in front of the door.
And I slid to the floor crying harder. He doesn't want to have a baby. Why?, What did I do wrong? I know he loves me but not enough to have a child.
I stood up and walked into the bathroom. I emptied the bottle in the toilet and flushed it. I then walked over and looked out the window.
I heard yelling in the hallway. "Jeannie open this door."
I ignored Psycho. "Please, Jeannie. I'm sorry. You don't understand."
I walked over and to the radio and turned it on so loud it blocked out their yelling. Even the members could hear it in the bar.
What the hell is going on they wondered. Jeannie runs by them crying, Gunner, and Psycho are trying to get the bedroom door opened.
Jeannie is blaring them out. What did Psycho do to cause this. He loves her. We all know she has been depressed since Lisa got pregnant.
I heard them talking about Psycho giving Jeannie birth control pills for the past four years and she didn't know about it till now.
I backed into the bar shocked. I can't believe he would do that. "What the hell is going another whore asked."
I told her and she was just as shocked.
She said loud enough for the members to here. "You are lying."
"Psycho loved Jeannie, he would not do that to her."
"He would never sneak her birth control pills know how much she wants to be a mother."
"I am telling you that he is doing just that."
"Sara asked for Tylenol, when Jeannie handed her the bottle to take two she knew those pills were birth control pills."
"They confronted Psycho and Jeannie overheard them."
We all looked at each other in shock. Why would Psycho sneak her birth control pills. This makes no sense. In the bedroom I started going through things. I don't know why.
I tore the closet apart. I went threw his clothes hanging in the closet. I stood on a chair and looked on the shelves. I then pounded on the wall of the closet. Then the floor.
I put my hand on one of the boards and it moved. I sat back and removed the wood. Inside was a box. I lifted the box out and sat it on the bed.
I hung the clothes back up and then shut the door. I sat cross legged on the bed. I opened the box and saw pictures and letters inside.
I looked at the pictures. Then I got to one where Psycho was holding a woman in his arms. I turned it over. It said. "Me and Kelly, then a date."
"That date was 15 years ago."
Psycho looked so happy. I then sorted the letter in to years and date. I started reading them. Then I saw the notebook. I picked it up and read it.
I got to the last three years. They were about me. How much he loved me but was afraid to touch me. Afraid he would hurt me. How he never thought he would find someone to love him for him.
How he was scared I would end up leaving him. He talked about the monster inside of him how he was afraid to have a child with me. Afraid he would get mad and hurt it.
How he talked a doctor into giving him birth control pills to give me. Afraid of hurting me because he know how bad I wanted to be a mother.
How scared he was that I would find out and leave him. He talked about how much he loved me, how beautiful I was, and small next to him.
I put the book on top of everything and put it back in the floor. And put the board back. I walked over and lay on the bed. I refused to let this depression go on.
He doesn't want a child with me. Fine. Then we can't have sex anymore. I refuse to take those pills, and I will not have my husband use a rubber.
Psycho will not lose me by me leaving. But he will lose the lovemaking. The happiness we had. I can't trust him anymore. I can't trust that he really loves me.
If he really loved me he would never have done this to me. I fell asleep on the bed. I woke up about two hours later. I walked over and turned the radio off.
In the bar the members said, "Thank God. I don't know how much more of that music I could stand."
I walked back to the bed and lay down. I soon heard a knock on the door. "Jeannie, please open the door."
I did not answer Sara. Then Lisa said. "Jeannie it is just the two of us. Psycho is in the garage."
I walked over and shoved the dresser across the room. I unlocked the door and opened it. Sara was caring a tray. I watched as she walked over and sat it on the table.
"I'm sorry Jeannie."
"I wanted him to tell you his self."
"He does love you."
"I can't trust him Sara."
"He has been going behind my back giving me birth control pills."
"I can't even trust that he really loves me. Or that he has not cheated on me."
"I am scared."
"I love Psycho. But I am not sure about how I feel anymore."
"I can't be sure that another man is just going to hurt me."
"Well, he did. But not physically but mentally."
"I don't know anymore about our relationship."
"He can't really love me Lisa and do this to me."
"I feel like I am a whore for him."
"No, Jeannie. You are his wife."
"But still a whore. to him."
"A whore is not permitted to get pregnant."
"He took that chose from me. So now I just feel like his whore."