I wanted to tell Dimitri how I felt. I really wanted to. And I wanted him to tell me he felt the same but I knew he didn’t. It didn’t seem like he wanted to invest himself into a serious relationship at all. Especially because of the way he flirted with all those girls. And the way he came and kissed my neck and then proceeded to tell me I looked beautiful which he’s probably said to many girls before.
I sighed, the thought hurting me. It really, really hurt. I wanted to tell him how I felt, so I could prevent a horrible unfixable heartbreak. I knew I was already in very deep. What I felt for him was a billion times stronger than my feelings for Kenneth had ever been. And if my breakup with Kenneth hurt that much, then I didn’t want to imagine how much it would hurt to know Dimitri didn’t feel the same. But I knew if I delayed this any further, it would be so much harder for me to get over.
I talked this over with Pam and she agreed that I should tell him how I felt. She suggested I do it after breakfast and I agreed.
Soon enough it was breakfast and I was literally shaking with nervousness. In literally, less than an hour I’ll be telling him how I feel.
“Relax, it’ll be fine.” Pam said with a reassuring smile. I nervously smiled back at her before taking my usual seat at the dining table, the one beside Dimitri. He soon came into the room with a happy smile on his face. I had to look away as his smile was so adorable.
“Good morning Izzie.” He spoke in a low, husky voice causing me to shiver. His voice was so hot.
“Good morning, Dimitri.” I whispered so quietly, I doubt he heard me at all.
Breakfast was soon served but I kept thinking about how I was going to tell him, that I didn’t bother eating much at all.
“Hey, are you okay? You barely touched your food?” Dimitri asked, turning to look at me with concern clearly displayed in his eyes. I didn’t say anything as I stared down at my spoon. I felt so scared.
Suddenly, I felt his finger slide under my chin and move my face up so that I was looking up at him. “Isabella, is everything okay?” He asked, staring directly into my eyes causing me to look away immediately.
“I’m fine.” I replied looking to the side, avoiding his gaze.
“Look at me Isabella.” He demanded, causing me to slowly look up and meet his intense gaze. “Tell me what’s wrong.” He said, but I wouldn’t say anything. What was there to say? “We’re going to talk after breakfast.” He said sternly, letting go of my chin. I nodded my head, staring down at my barely eaten food.
Breakfast was soon over and I felt horribly nervous now. My hands were clammy, my whole body was shaking and my heartbeat was skyrocketing. “It’ll go fine.” Pam whispered to me before leaving with the rest of the girls. Dimitri and I were sitting alone now and it was very quiet between us.
“Let’s go up to my office. We’ll get some privacy there so then you can tell me what’s wrong.” He said getting up off his chair. I got up as well and followed him upstairs. The whole time going up I was having doubts on telling him. I suddenly had a horrible feeling about this. But I wasn’t sure if that was just me trying to come up with excuses so I wouldn’t have to tell him. I decided it was and that everything was going to go fine.
We soon reached his office. He unlocked the door and walked in, holding the door open for me. Once I was through, he closed the door and locked it behind him. He then proceeded towards his seat and sat down. He then looked up at me, smiling softly before patting a chair he pulled up beside him. “I’m fine here.” I said, not wanting to move from my spot by the door and get closer to him.
“No you’re not, now come here.” He said patting the chair again. I shook my head, causing him to sigh. He got up and started walking towards me, causing my heart rate to increase even more. “Isabella, tell me what’s wrong.” He spoke in a low voice, standing so close to me that I was actually starting to feel dizzy.
“There’s nothing wrong, Dimitri.” I finally found my voice. “I just... There was um... I um need to tell you something.” I was cringing in the inside. I had no idea how I was going to tell him.
“Go ahead.” Dimitri spoke, watching me even more intently than before. He was still standing really close and I was having trouble controlling my breathing and heartbeat.
I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know how to. And I felt so scared. I didn’t want him to reject me. It would completely tear me apart. But it was better to be heartbroken now, than later on.
“I... I um... Dimitri I j-just...” I stopped and took a deep breath, trying my best to calm my nerves before continuing. “Dimitri, I-I’m in love with you.”
Complete silence ensued. Complete and absolute silence. I was holding my breath, my eyes closed, waiting for his response but he wouldn’t say anything. I was internally panicking now, really regretting telling him. He obviously didn’t feel the same. Why did I even think there could have been a possibility he liked me too? Why?
I snuck a glance up at him to find him staring down at the ground with an unreadable expression on his face. He suddenly looked up at me, causing me to look away. “Isabella,” He started quietly, causing me to hold onto that little bit of hope that he felt the same. But it was entirely broken by his next words. “I’m sorry but... I don’t feel the same. I’m really sorry.”
Everything in me broke at his words. My heart felt like it had been stabbed numerous times and then stitched back again only to have it ripped again. This was horrible. I knew it would hurt, but I didn’t think it’d hurt this much. His words were slicing through every part of me and it hurt so bad. More than any physical pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
I immediately turned around towards the door and desperately tried opening it but it wouldn’t budge. I needed to get out of there. I couldn’t stand being near him any longer. “Isabella, I’m so sorry.” He said resting his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t touch me.” I exclaimed, pushing his hand off. I was sobbing now as I desperately tried opening the door. I knew it was locked and I knew it wouldn’t open unless Dimitri unlocked, but I still kept trying anyways.
Dimitri grabbed his key, reached around me and unlocked the door for me. As soon as it was unlocked I opened the door and rushed out. I wanted to get as far away as I could from him. As I was rushing out, I bumped into someone. I looked up to see it was Kenneth. He looked down at me with concern once he saw I was crying. “What happened Isabella? Are you okay?” He asked, causing me to shake my head in response.
He wrapped his arms around me in a hug and I let him. At this point I didn’t care about anything. I felt so heartbroken and I needed that hug. I felt him kiss the top of my head, but again, I didn’t care anymore.
Kenneth asked me what was wrong and I told him everything. I didn’t know why I did, but I needed to tell someone, even if it was Kenneth. Once I was done, Kenneth looked back at me in silence. He looked really hurt when I told him I was in love with Dimitri and I felt horrible telling him. Because I knew exactly how it felt knowing someone didn’t return your feelings.
“Now you know how I feel.” He said quietly causing me turn to him in slight anger.
“You were the one who ruined our relationship! You made me feel like I had to sleep with you to prove my feelings for you! And then on top of that you called me a whore!” I snapped at him, causing him to shake his head.
“No. It wasn’t me who ruined everything. You did! You were the one who went to sleep in Dimitri’s room, right beside him, while you were dating me. You didn’t even bother to stop to think how much that would have hurt me. You practically cheated on me and it hurt Isabella. It hurt so fucking much, you have no idea. You may not have actually done anything with him, but sharing a bed with someone is very intimate. Obviously I was going to get angry. You hurt me and you didn’t even care. I know what I did was wrong too though so I’m not saying that you were completely wrong and I right. I shouldn’t have made you feel like you had to have sex with me. But I was scared. I thought you were lying to me and that you did more than just sleep with Dimitri. So I wanted to see if you would sleep with me, your own boyfriend. And also, I wanted to show you that I was better than him at sex. I was hoping that you’d think I was so good, that you’d never want to go back to him for some. And you might think what I’m saying is complete bullshit, but it isn’t. I cared a lot about you and I still very much do, Isabella. I thought you cheated on me, which hurt me a lot. And that was the reason I did what I did. I mean, what would you do if you found me sleeping in some other girl’s bed? You’d be pissed and hurt right?” He asked.
I felt horrible. I did hurt Kenneth. I hurt him a lot. It was my fault that our whole relationship was ruined. I caused Kenneth a lot of pain, which is why I deserved feeling this pain. I deserved feeling heartbroken, because of how horrible I made him feel.
“I’m sorry.” I whimpered out, causing him to pull me towards him again.
“It’s okay Isabella. Whatever happened, happened. It can’t be changed. You love Dimitri now anyways. Not me. I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t hurt, because it really does. It hurts more than anything. But what hurts more is seeing you crying like this. Please stop crying, Isabella. I know you’re heartbroken, but Dimitri doesn’t deserve your love. He fucks with everyone’s feelings. He’s hurt many girls who’ve claimed they loved him before. He doesn’t give two shits about anyone but himself. Don’t bother wasting your time on him.” Kenneth said as he stroked my hair.
“Don’t fucking feed her lies!” I heard a low, angry voice speak up. It was Dimitri. “I’ve never had any girl admit she loves me before so stop fucking making up shit! All anyone’s ever wanted me is for my power and money. Never love. And I know Isabella doesn’t love me either! She just wants to use ‘love’ against me. I’m not fucking stupid!” He growled out in so much anger. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this angry before and I’ve seen him in anger many times before. “Do you really think you can use love as a way to hurt me? I know you’re going to use it so you and all the girls can go back home!”
“What the hell are you talking about Dimitri! Where did you get that idea?” I exclaimed in disbelief. “Why would I want to hurt you? Especially when I know the reason behind every thing you’ve ever done.” I cried out.
“Because you want to go home! And who knows, there could be some other reason that I don’t know about. There always is. No one ever actually loves me for me. It’s always other things. And even if you do actually love me, which we both know you don’t, I don’t feel the same.” He said bitterly, causing me to stare back at him in shock. Did he actually think I was faking my feelings for him? How stupid was he? How could he not see how much I cared about him?
But even if I did manage to convince him that I wasn’t lying, he still didn’t feel the same. This hurt so much. I buried my face into Kenneth’s chest, trying to stop myself from crying. I didn’t want to cry in front of Dimitri. I didn’t want to show him how much of an effect he was having on me.
Why’d I tell him how I felt? I ruined everything we had between us. We actually weren’t arguing as much as we used to and things were just good between us. But now I’ve ruined everything.