I was always taught to endure everything no matter how hard it can get but god I’ve already reached my limit. The little hope in me have finally crushed. Silly me thinking that there’s still hope when it’s obvious that there wasn’t such a thing. I can’t help but wonder how my younger self strongly used to hold on to the promises and so-called hope, it must be exasperating.
I remember myself saying “I’m fine” when everything was not. I could only laugh at my own clownery at the moment.
I could hear my nurse trying to catch up to me by annoyingly shouting my name. My ear stings as my calves and legs starts to burn while running hastily away from my nurse. I hated it here. Why can’t they just let me breathe for a while?
I wanted to jump and scream on top of my lungs that “fuck life” but I couldn’t. My chest is so heavy that the heaviness of what I feel right now is enough to suffocate me. I smiled bitterly knowing that all of my efforts of trying to be optimistic despite of my condition are futile. If I had known sooner, I would’ve let go of anything.
Everything is so painful that I staggered multiple times on the way before finally reaching rooftop. My reflexes automatically locked the door. I hate myself for being this weak and I also hate my parents for leaving me behind, only giving me sufferings.
It was never my choice to be like this but the fate did. I shivered when I felt the cold wind touched my skin, I rubbed my arms up and down to partially create a friction to warm myself. I’m self-aware that I am indeed stupid, who in the hell would go out in the cold weather without wearing any jacket, obviously me. After all, I just escaped from my nurse. More importantly, I am elated that she didn’t bothered going to me any further.
She probably had enough of me which everybody does; giving up on me too fast. Good thing is that I no longer care if someone would give up on me or even if someone “wouldn’t”—the possibility of that would be like any number multiplied by zero. None.
With a rapid move, I currently sat on the bench without caring if I’ll die because of the cold.
Freezing to death wouldn’t be so bad after all.
I looked down only to see some sprawled ice frosts beneath my feet. They’re so beautiful but so cold.
Closing my eyes, preventing the urge to cry, I only sighed heavily. I cannot think about it. Do not ever think about it, Gabriella.
Mixed feelings rose up on me as I thought of the faces that putted me here.
Disappointment, hatred, and anger.
My damned parents whom I thought could be here in my despair, just left me without saying anything after learning about my condition. They only advanced the payment for my medications and stay here in the hospital. They didn’t even give me any visit.
I wish they could explain why they’ve left me, bringing my sister along with them. Even so, explaining wouldn’t do anything anymore. They’ve already made up their mind. Talking to them were so useless now.
The only great thing it did to me is that I no longer have to be attached to them as I am passing away.
Saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do if you’re deeply attached.
And I am relieved that I am not attached to anyone nor everyone wants to be with a person who’s dying.
They’re the least person I considered having by my side now. I have no one but myself.
I wanted to rant to someone how I am used to be afraid of dying, how I wanted to end everything right now, how I hated everything, and how I let go of any expectations.
I loathe how my emotions and thoughts toyed and get the best out of me.
If my life is like the Sims; there wouldn’t be anymore problem, I could customize my appearance, have a lot of money, do whatever shit I want to do like burning a house or electrocuting someone, etc.
But fucking hell, this is reality. The reality I cannot escape unless I die. Death is the only option where I can escape everything.
Oscar Wilde said that the supreme object of life is to live which I can’t agree on because I’ll die anyway. That was my favorite quote that I cannot apply to my life that hurts me more.
My thoughts always dominate over the entirety of my being. And I hated it.
I spent my days on hospital wondering if I can spend my life living to the fullest like the other girls. The nurses weren’t my friends either, they don’t give a shit about me but I’m elated that even if they do have a grudge on me (Probably true based on the indifference they treat me) they still do their job. Obviously too scared to lose their job.
At some point I wanted to congratulate myself for holding on for so long. Well that’s the only good thing I can do, praising my stupid deeds. As always.
Another heavy sigh left my mouth again, hoping it would at least ease the wearisome feeling. A sudden and random thought come up to me making me immediately stand up. The railing.
It’s as if somehow I am possessed as my body moves as its own towards the railing. My feet were so damn cold but my mind was blank enough to care about it. Just as I was near the railing, I look down to see below. A combination of exhilaration and fear abruptly crept onto my skin.
I wonder if it’ll hurt when I fall.
I put my two hands onto the cold railing as I gazed below the 10ft hospital. The sight below was terrifyingly thrilling. I couldn’t stop imagining how I would look like in the pavement after falling. Pool of blood will scatter on my dead body while everyone screams in absolute fear, the normal reaction after seeing some grotesque. How amusing.
Then I’d imagine myself in the news with the picture of my dead body. It’s hilarious knowing that the chances of earning sympathy are 50/50. How funny that I thought of the chances of sympathy when I don’t even long for that.
I am saying nonsense things.
I laughed for a short time before taking another deep breath. I know that my condition isn’t severe yet but I don’t want to reach at that point where agony takes over my body. I crave death but not pain alright.
I just wanted to end my life in a way that it would be tranquil. That would be impossible; in this dangerous world, pain is inevitably unavoidable.
My life was never been good so there’s nothing left for me to regret when my existence is already a regret.
I was about to climb when someone harshly grabbed my hospital gown making me startled and mercilessly throw me towards the bench. My head almost hit the bench but thank goodness I protected my head with my arms. I am already an idiot, what will happen if my little head hit the bench? I’ll become more idiotic than I was ever before.
“If you’re trying to die, do it later.” His voice was deep yet harsh. “Or at least have some respect because I do not want to witness someone’s death in my own eyes.”
I slowly stood up as I removed all the frosts from my hospital gown. I quite heard him muttering something but I didn’t pay any attention to that. I was annoyed, what a fucking jerk! He could’ve just pulled me instead of harshly throwing me! It’s as if I’m like a disposable trash!
“Are you perhaps trying to kill yourself because… “ he paused momentarily before continuing. “your life is fucked up, aren’t ya?”
What he said was true, undoubtedly a fact. I want to tell him that isn’t it obvious? I glared at him saying, “Mind your own fucking business, boy.”
“Whoa, whoa!” he said as he motioned his arms as if he’s surrendering. “Ya got no chill, ma’am!”
I gritted my teeth, “Who in the hell wouldn’t be so pissed after a stranger throw you harshly, enough for me to get bruised, huh?”
I frowned after realizing something, his tone was harsh a while ago but now… it’s like we’re close or something? Does this dude have some split personality? But he wasn’t wearing a hospital gown nor look like a patient to begin with. Is it because he was startled because of my vulgarity that made him change his harsh tone?
I scrutinized him from head-to-toe,
my eyes narrowed. His dark curly hair looks so smooth; it was the first thing I noticed from him aside from his cold demeanor.
His eyes were kind of swollen. Did he cry? Something’s probably pained him too that’s why he’s here in the rooftop.
Why didn’t I notice his presence beforehand?
“I panicked.” He said, scratching his head while looking away that stunned me. Huh? Panic?
My jaw dropped. I suddenly don’t know how to function. My soul finally left my body after hearing that reasoning.
“I don’t even know how to stop someone from committing suicide so I just did what I think it’s right.” He said.
“HUH?!” I said loudly in disbelief. How in the world it was right? Is this guy even using his damn brain?! “You think it was right?!”
He rolled his eyes, the audacity! “Well, don’t blame me because I just— “
Before I could hear him say anything, the door opened loudly cutting him off. My heart beat doubled when I stared at the nurse who’s panting heavily.
“Damn it..” I muttered under my breath.
I was wrong. I thought the nurse didn’t even tried trailing me. Thank you so much fate now I gotta take my medication anew.
The nurse was walking towards me despite breathing heavily. I wanted back off but my feet remained on its own place. God, please just this once let me escape from the burden that’s suffering me.
“You got to go back, Miss Gab.” Said the nurse after recovering herself. “Please take care of yourself. Do not further hurt yourself by doing this.”
My fist clenched. Are those words supposed to comfort me or what? “I’m going to die anyway so why not make it more faster?”
The nurse sighed as she tried to convince me to go back to my room, “You still have 35 months left, you know. You can still enjoy things, miss.”
Yes, 35 months. Fucking months.
It pierced my heart after remembering the time what’s left for me. Those words that I hated to hear.
I just got reminded that in that 35 months, I’ll die slowly in agony. And the concept of it makes myself suffocate.
Suddenly I felt warm. I looked on my shoulder to see the guy who throw me putting his leather jacket on me.
I am currently in the state of confusion.
The guy cut him off. “I’ll take her to her own room. So you can leave now.”
I flinched. What?
I gazed on my nurse one more time. She was hesitant and so I am.
The nurse scratched her head before leaving me alone with the guy that I don't even know!
She didn't even dared to ask me whether I know this guy or not.
Just as I was about to complain, he suddenly picked up me in a bridal style. My eyes widened as if it's about to pop out. My heart beat tripled. Fear succumbed me.
I was against this! What if he is a damn kidnapper?! Oh my god! I kept on hitting his chest.
"Can you stay still?" He said, annoyed. "I won't do anything to ya. It's not like yer my type anyway."
I made a face. Well, I didn't ask tho?
"Consider this as my apology for accidentally throwing you" he said making me roll my eyes.
That shocked me. W-O-W.
I guess he wasn't really a whole jerk I've made an impression. He's more like a thoughtful jerk after all.