They were only fantasies to me and I could not understand how it’s was even possible. For all my life I had always been a loner and I planned to remain the same even as my friends begun experiencing their first crush and even some had started dating. At ten my mom thought me to be too young and I was still not sold on the idea that I needed a woman to make me feel complete.
Maybe my biology recognized early enough what I was but I was late in the realization or maybe my mind was skirting on the issue to avoid even hinting what was coming because it was not ever going to be easy to be me.
Yes, I was ten years old when this debate was going on in my mind but it was not because I was analyzing my life but it was because of him. He was simply beautiful. Tall for a twelve-year-old with a killer body that seemed to be developing towards being a swimmer and damn did it make my heart beat louder. He had big blue eyes, long hair that coiled at his shoulders and he was one of those people who didn’t know they were making everyone stare at them but that was not what was drawing me to him, he was calling to me the minute our eyes met.
I was standing outside the school gate with my mother who was talking to one of her friends while he was across the road waiting for his mother to pick him up when I felt something calling me in a name not necessarily mine but yet built inside my core. It was something that knew me deeper than even I had tried to know myself and when I turned, I met his eyes wide with shock. He knew what he had done and he was shocked it had actually worked.
Without thought without hesitation I walked towards him ignoring the screams of parents who were shouting at me to get off the road before I caused an accident. I had only one mission, to get to him and hold him. His soul was crying out for me. In the background I knew how much I was hurting my mother by scaring her and how much trouble I was going to be but nothing else seemed to matter except the boy across the road who I knew was mine in heart body and soul.
I finally got to stand in front of him and my heart broke seeing all the turmoil, the pain and the sadness in his eyes. I just reached over his collar and pulled his head down to my chest where I could feel the silent tears soak into my T-shirt. We must have shocked each of our parents because by the time I came to, my mother was standing beside a car with another lady and they were just starring at us and most especially at me. I pulled the boy’s shoulder off me such that his face was exactly opposite mine and he didn’t seem to be embarrassed. I couldn’t figure out what was going on but I just needed to know him and everything about him before he had met me.
“Hi, I am Reese Carl” I introduced myself to him and offered my hand.
He straightened and the looked at the offered hand them turned to look at the woman with my mother before he burst into fresh tears and ran off to the car where he hastily shut himself in the back seat. I could see him curled. I turned to my mother and the woman then shrugged.
What else could I do? I didn’t even understand exactly what had happened to me or the boy. I turned and begun my journey home without a word and let my mother follow me. I could feel her staring at me but I didn’t dare turn lest she’d remember the road crossing fiasco and get mad at me. At some point in our silent journey, I tried to hasten my steps but her stare still followed me.
I was so preoccupied with wondering what she was going to do to me and to what degree she was mad that I walked past the gate for about ten meters before unrealized I was no longer hearing her steps. I turned and she wasn’t there so I took stock of my surrounding and realized my faux pas.
I walked slowly with my head down back to the gate, into the compound and into the house where she was seated facing the door as I entered.
“I am sorry.” I apologized before her tirade begun.
Several minutes passed and I was still standing there, she hadn’t said a word, I raised my head to see what was wrong.
“Wh...…. What just happened with that boy? What was that?” Mom asked.
I could see she was more confused than angry. Which had me confused as well since I did what came natural to me. I had no explanation for my actions even though it was out of the ordinary for me.
“I don’t know...…” I said rubbing my toes in the carpet.
How do you tell your mother that you feel like you could touch the skies if only you get a chance to be near another boy? My parents were not homophobic, of course this was just speculative since I had never had them say anything for or against them. It however did not mean that I was sure that I could just out rightly tell them that I think I had found my soul mate.
So, I went with the better alternative I could come up with in a spar before my mother decided I needed another long session with a therapist. You see, my mother was a stay-at-home mom who prided herself in knowing what was best for me in everything. There was no privacy with her when it came to me or my father who was a much-respected engineer and the breadwinner. We wanted for nothing would be an understatement. My father was loaded and everybody in the community knew. Left home alone with nothing to do my mother had a lot of free time and since I was her job. She liked to monitor everything in my life and when she didn’t understand something, her solution was always to book an appointment for me with a child psychiatrist. This would lead to me being pulled out of school for a time period that she deemed enough for my ‘cure’.
Since she was the major donor for the school, they always catered to her every whim. My going to school basically was my own effort because it meant I needed to read ahead of every teacher in my grade because of her unpredictable behaviour. For all her eccentricities, my mother was also the only other person in the world who could get me to string a full sentence without much energy and she knew me. It was easier getting along with her than imagining myself making friends with anybody.
I loved my mother and I would not change her for anything in the world. It did not mean I wanted her knowing every nook and canny of the way my brain worked because then I would no longer be me. She would take over, a concept I didn’t even want to imagine would ever be a possibility.
“I think he could be a friend...… “I said
“Really, wow...… Wonderful, just wonderful. His name is Tyler Robert’s, his family is new and the moved next door. His mother was a nurse. his father won the lottery or something like that and then did some good investments. Now they were looking to settle here, this is their second home. They used to live up north in the city in an apartment...….” Yeah, my Mother went on and on.
She had been working with the latest therapist to get me to have a connection with another being and though I knew I was playing at her weakness, at that time it served me because I got to know the name of these strange boy. My Mother was like all stay at home mothers I knew.
She’d gossip her way to death without even realizing and even if she did, she would congratulate herself for imparting the other party with knowledge about whatever she would have been talking about. The number of times I had heard her contradict her stories was countless but who was I to deny her the joy of what was her life?
I ran upstairs to my room and left her talking.
I appreciate you taking your time to read through. The journey has just begun and I hop you will enjoy the ride