Chapter 1: truth in disguise
I contemplated pulling the strings of the tie around my neck in opposite directions until my face turned blue with suffocation just so i would not have to endure today.
“Don’t even think about it” said my brother on the other side of the room humor lacing his words. I watched him tuck his shirt into his tailored pants in the mirror, with familiarity as if this was something he did everyday.
“Think about what?” i asked as i attempted to tie the tie but to no avail, I guess it could sense the lack of effort on my part, I was holding on to the feeble hope that maybe if they saw that I was struggling with it they would deem me unworthy of attending the ceremony and let me sit this one out.
“You know what” he said as he took a sip of beer. I turned my whole body to look at him, his tie was perfect as usual, his church boy hair brushed to perfection, which was an accurate word to describe my brother, he had the perfect job, perfect life, perfect hair and a perfect wife to top it off, the exact opposite of me.
“it might not be as bad as you think it will be, and if it is then just go to a happy place in your head” he said with sympathy.
“that sounds a lot like advice on how to deal with assault” I said remembering a similar line in a shitty book I read a few years ago.
“I am still trying to figure out why we have to be here anyway when we are not even related to any of them” the words tasted sour in my mouth but there was no taking them back, not after they have been bouncing around in my head for a year.
My brothers eyes flashed, making me bow my head in shame. We have been through this conversation before and it never ended well for me. The silence that followed was painful, the breeze coming in from the small window stilled, giving us a brief reprieve from the suffocating fragrance wafting from the cheap hydrangeas that filled the already cramped space.
I braced myself for the punch I knew was coming before my brother made it out of his seat, already resigned to my fate but-
A head poked into the door before he could take the last step towards me, saving me from the already clenched fists and the violent look on his face
“hey! Its time, you know your mother will kill us if we are late” said the perfectly made up face of my sister in law, her voice making my brothers face transform into a puppy dog smile as he turned towards her. I mock gagged as I followed them out, a different kind of tension filling the room in their wake, Perfect.
I concentrated on the off white color of the walls, the dusty carpet and web lined ceiling of the hotel, hoping to distract myself from the task ahead but it all mocked me, she chose this over me. The evidence of her downgrade should have given me a savage satisfaction but it just highlighted my melancholy, proof that there was nothing I could have done to keep her. she really was looking for the opposite of me, and she found it. My mind is numb when we make it to the doors of the chapel, my feet moving sluggishly and out of instinct as I follow my brother, not paying attention to the décor, the blush pink carpet or the arc of different coloured roses on the alter or the man nervously pacing on it. No, I don’t notice that every relative of mine fills the bride side and only them or that the excited chatter halts when they spot me, making way for whispered conversations. I sit down on the sixth row down the isle and scoot to the left, as far away from the isle as I can, so that the arc is at my periphery and the only thing in my direct line of sight is the mosaic window depicting the mother Mary and Joseph. A fitting view.
i think Giveon is one of the best things that came out of 2020, I am totally crushing. and LIKE I WANT YOU my favorite song of his, the longing, the angst and the heartbreak he put into it is inspiring, so much so that i hope you enjoy this piece that came out of it. the next part is coming soon