Number Unknown

„Why the hell am I sleeping in the bathtub?!”

I take a quick look around but I can’t make anything out in this dark. As I try to get up, a headache hits me like a train coming out of the fog. I stumble up and turn the lights on. Oh, the lights! Too bright. Whoa, there’s a bra on the floor, it’s too big to belong to Carla (my colleague, well, I mean my boss, umm..., I’ll get to that later). Wait, why is there a bra on the floor anyway? Oh, this headache! I must find a painkiller, I can’t think straight.

I find my way to my room through the bottles on the floor. It’s quite bright outside, I must’ve overslept. Way to go, Ethan, you did it again! It must have been the party last night, I should’ve stopped drinking when things got blurry. Funny thing, I don’t remember drinking that much. Or anything else for that matter. Great, found some Advil. Let me sleep it off and I’ll figure it out later.

A while later… or several whiles? Who knows...

Oh, still bright. At least the headache is almost gone. Oh shit, it’s 4 pm, how long did I sleep? Carla must think I’m a… wait, where’s Carla?

I get up and look around the apartment. It’s got 5 bedrooms, a large kitchen, living room and amenities. It’s one of those apart-hotels our company books for employees when we have to travel. We’re spending 3 weeks here in Brighton doing a review of our local office’s procedures, workflows, and... oh, who cares, boring work crap. Long story short, I’m stuck here for 2 more weeks with my boss. Yeah, Carla.

This apartment is a mess! A herd of horny moose must have passed through and pooped empty beer bottles everywhere. Did we bring anyone over? We must have, there’s no way Carla and I drank that much. Plus she’s into wine, not beer, she’s the posh, classy type. We went out for a pub crawl last evening with some exceedingly friendly neighbours we met this week. It seems it turned out well, ’cause I don’t remember most of it. I really really really hope I didn’t do anything stupid in front of my boss. Anyway, where is she? Her room’s messed up too, but empty. Let’s try one of the other rooms...

There she is! It seems she had a glass or two herself, still sound asleep. She seems to be lying flat on her face, diagonally across the bed, but it’s a bit too dark in here to tell for sure. Let me open the curtains a bit...

Woah, she’s a bit underdressed! She’s always wearing office clothes, even in more casual contexts. She dresses like a headmistress with 12 cats, even around the apartment. Now look at her go! Tight top, I’m pretty sure there’s no bra under there, skirt pulled up, I can even see her black thong and bare butt. Funny thing, I don’t remember her wearing these the night before, she had some sort of two-piece office suit.

...I stare at her naked bum for a while without even realising it. I mean, I always kinda had a crush on her, but we’re both married, children, late thirties, family obligations, the whole shebang, you know, no thought ever crossed my mind. I never realized how hot she is.

Should I cover her? If she catches me doing that she’ll probably fire me. No, she’ll kill me with a boring moralistic speech and then fire me. So maybe I should play it safe, leave her like that and sneak out of the room? Hmmm…

Oh, what the hell am I doing staring at her booty like that? Get a grip! Let’s just pretend I’m overthinking it and that’s not a boner I’m getting right now.

I cover her up, slooooowly, hoping not to wake her up. I leave her be and go look for clues as to what happened last night.

Judging by the chaos left behind, I’d say we had too many drinks and probably crashed back here after that Friday night pub crawl. And, by the looks of it, we either brought home the Scottish rugby team or our over-excited neighbours. They are a merry bunch, the party-goer type. I think there are 5 or 6 of them sharing one apartment. I count Joel, a braided black dude that kept faking a Jamaican accent, Jadek and Jocek (or it may be Lolek and Bolek, I don’t really remember their names), I think they’re Polish or Slovak or something. Then Erika and Lienna or Ljana, also foreign exchange students from somewhere in Northern Europe. I don’t know if that’s all of them. I’m guessing the bra in the bathroom belongs to one of the girls. There’s nothing else they forgot except for some …uuuugh! used condoms in the living room. That’s a lot of condoms. And really? The living? They couldn’t find a more secluded room in this whole place?

I find another piece of underwear hanging from a cabinet door while rummaging through the apartment. Red, classy, seems to be about Carla’s size, probably hers, better not touch them and risk a sexual harassment suit. And lots of sea salt from that German pub we went to. Why did they steal it? We have plenty of salt here. Weird Northerners. Oh, my phone is buzzing, I’ve got a new message! It’s Joel:

--- “Yo bruh, wazaaaaap!!“.

Oh my. This guy got so drunk he woke up in the ’80s.

--- “I’m good bro. Whatever happened last night?“, I reply.

--- “Was aaaaawesooome! Yo, that chick of yours rocks bruh! She has a nasty mouth on her!”

--- “Carla?!?! Are you sure? What do you mean?”

--- “Yeah, man. Haven’t heard anyone speaking so X-rated since the 2 Live Crew bruh :D. We should do this again!”

Whaaaaat? Carla talking dirty? Impossible. She is like an overpolished combination of a nun and a diplomat. She hates profane language. She said as much. Twice! Even though no one actually asked her.

And who the hell are the 2 Live Crew? Let’s Google it. …. Oh, oh, I see. That’s who they are. Blimey, now I’m pissed I don’t remember a bloody thing. This party must have been epic!

Oh, there’s a message from last night from my good friend “Number Unknown”. Let’s see…

--- “Where are you? Come eat some pussy in the kitchen. And bring the zee! Now!”

...

Oh. My. God. I really hope we did some crazy voodoo magic shit and they got drunk and tried to catch a cat and eat it or something. Let’s see, are there any more messages?

Aaaaand there’s a pussy pic attached! Oh, wow! What went down last night? And what the hell is the “zee”? I really hope I didn’t go full stupid, the gonna-get-my-ass-fired kinda stupid. Nice red-haired bush though…