Your whole world changes when you meet the person you believe you're going to spend the rest of your life with, then your whole world crumbles when they leave without uttering a word. Leaving you feeling like you've done something wrong or you're being punished for a reason that you're unaware of.
How can you try to understand the person you love leaving and never coming back?
Torture. Pure and utter torture.
The last year has been a struggle no matter how hard I try to cover up my emotions. Somedays I feel untouchable and refuse to let it bring me down, but other days I feel sick to my stomach with heartbreak that I can't get out of bed.
I tell myself daily that I hate him, I hate what he did to me, how he could just leave me with everything that we've ever been through. He made me feel special, he told me that I was the only one and yet he still left, dropped off every radar possible like he didn't exist.
My roommate Jamie suggested that maybe something had happened to him, I didn't want to accept that possibility but I wasn't sure what else it could be.
But surely something would have been brought to light if something happened to him, someone would have heard something surely. So I tried my hardest to push this idea to the back of my head.
But then he posted a picture of himself in Australia seven months after he left without an explanation.
I still remember how I felt when I saw it, my skin crawled with anxiety and tears never stopped falling from my eyes. Trying to understand why he would do this to me. But I decided to be strong and instead of trying to speak to him or demand that he explained why he left. I blocked him.
He didn't deserve my attention, he didn't even care about telling me that he moved to Australia or even having the balls to tell me that our relationship was over.
So quite frankly I do hate him. I despise him. I just wish I could remove all of his memories from my brain, so I could finally move on but it was proving difficult. He consumed so much of my mind that it drove me insane, I'd lay awake at night crying with frustration asking why I wasn't good enough.
I wanted answers but I also deserved better.
Why is it so confusing to love someone but hate them to the core?