I refuse to let the quiver shooting throughout my body show, I will not cry no matter how he’s looking at me. Fuck. I forgot what his eyes looked like, they’re so pure. My heart better get back from my stomach and find it’s way to my chest because I’d really like to feel it beating again.
“Kal, can I come in? I think we need to talk about some stuff.”
What could we possibly have to talk about? I don’t even want to look at him because I know any second his face is going to turn back to that one of hate that I’d grown used to seeing.
“No sorry, Jacobs here and we both know if he sees you it will upset him. He’s just got used to you not being around, I won’t mess with his routine again.” Drew leaving hurt Jacob almost as much as it hurt me, they’d developed a strong bond over the years and he struggled to understand why he wouldn’t be seeing him anymore. He kept asking me when I came home if he’d done something to hurt Drew, it killed me.
“Um okay, yeah I understand. I can come back later? Or meet you somewhere tomorrow?” Why was he so eager to see me all of a sudden? He could’ve contacted me at any point but now he’s home he suddenly has to see me?
“Drew we have nothing to talk about. I’m just waiting on a plumber so I’d appreciate if you could leave before he gets here.”
He looks over my shoulder into the kitchen. “Sink backed up again? I can see if that thing I did last time works again... if you want?”
He’s being sweet, too sweet. Maybe it was just him seeing all the guys from his new team eyeing me up as I walked through the gym today, maybe he’s jealous so he just came here to see if anything is happening. “No it’s fine, you’re not the only man who knows how to work my plumbing.”
Brie would be so fucking proud of me right now, I made a innuendo and now he’s getting all flustered. Not that I’ve actually let a man near me since him, but he doesn’t need to know that. I have to tell her later.
“Um, yeah, of course.... Just um... Fuck Kal could you please stop looking so beautiful right now, it’s making it hard to concentrate. Fuck, just let me look at the sink.”
He slides past me and straight into the little kitchen but I can’t move, did he seriously just call me beautiful? After everything he thinks he can just come here and call me beautiful! Hell fucking no!
Just as he’s about to go under the sink I pull him back by that stupidly hot leather jacket of his and he stumbles straight into the fridge. Thank god Jacob had his noise cancelling headphones on right now because this shit is about to get loud.
“I didn’t invite you in Drew! I didn’t ask you to come here and I didn’t ask you to call me beautiful! I’m not your fucking girlfriend anymore, you saw to that. Get the fuck out of my house!”
He looks shocked for a minute before pulling himself back together, standing tall and running his hands through his hair. “Technically it’s an apartment Kal.”
Is he trying to piss me off? Does he realise I’m next to the drawer full of kitchen knives? “Don’t try it Drew. I won’t fall for that ‘look at me I’m so cute’ shit you always did when we were together. You’re not welcome here.”
He drops the act and steps forward. “Five minutes Kal, please. Five minutes and I swear I’ll leave if you want me too. I just need to know what happened.”
What happened? He knows what happened. He destroyed me, that’s what happened.
“Not now. Jacob will need to go to bed soon... Just come back after nine, Dad’s on the night shift.” I can feel the tears that want to fall just from standing this close to him again, my heart hasn’t stopped pounding since I opened the door to see his face and all I can smell is the scent that has brought me so much comfort for the last four years. I need to get this out of my system before I talk to him.
“Okay. I’ll be back at nine.” He turns to leave, walking almost entirely to the door before pausing. I can see the hesitation, the way he is fighting with his own body to do something, or maybe not do something.
Finally he leaves and I crumble. I don’t know what I thought would happen when I saw him again, I’d imagined it would be years from now when I would’ve moved on from what happened between us. I didn’t think it would be now.
I cry sitting on the kitchen floor, I can’t even get up to make it to the bed in my room. It’s like he’s breaking my heart all over again, the pain he caused launching itself from its slumber straight back to the surface.
When I told the girls what happened between us they were so merciful, they treated me with nothing but love even though I didn’t feel I deserved it. Brie told me when she was getting me ready how she threatened the guy to stay away from me when she saw him, I wish I had her fire.
Maybe I should call her? She’d sit here with me and make sure he keeps his distance... but is that what I want? No matter how much I try to deny it, I still love him, do I really want her to kill him?
I lean my head against the fridge, using the cold metal as a way to calm the flames burning in my head. My breathing slows and I feel a hand start rubbing slowly against my back. Jacob’s eyes are still firmly glued to his tablet but he is giving me the only affection he knows how to give right now.
I’m proud of him for recognising I’m upset, he isn’t always great with things like that. An unfortunate by-product of his eclectic brain chemistry but I wouldn’t change a thing about him. He’s the kindest little brother, even when he can’t show it. The bruise on the side of his head is healing nicely, he had a meltdown earlier this week and left a dent in the bathroom wall when trying to calm all the static in his head. This new school has helped a lot but life isn’t always going to be easy for him, he’ll always need me.
‘Jake?’ I sign in front of his tab and draw his attention to me. “Let’s get you ready for bed is it?” He nods, giving me a gentle smile before I get him settled for the night.