The sense of confidence I had earlier had completely faded without Brie here to boost it again, I guess if he was really only coming here because I looked so good then he’d shoot off again sharply when he sees what I look like now.
Grabbing a hoodie from the cupboard I throw it over my little vest top and shorts to cover the quivering in my body as I answer the door.
He hadn’t changed, in fact I didn’t hear a bike taking off so I guess he’s just been hanging around near by until it was time to come back. His eyes run over me, widening slightly as he floats over my body.
Oh fuck yeah, this was his hoodie. I’d had it for so long now, since our first date, I’d kind of embraced it as my own. “Don’t read too much into it Drew, it’s just comfortable.”
He nods, finally returning to look at my eyes. His don’t look much better than mine, I can see the redness that definitely wasn’t there earlier. I motion to the couch and he steps past me, taking a seat but still not saying a word.
I pull out one of the chairs from the little foldaway table and sit there on the other side of the room from him. He doesn’t say anything and neither do I, we just sit there in silence as I let my eyes wonder around every piece of mismatched furniture we have in this place rather than focus on him.
Finally after what feels like an eternity, he talks. “Is Jake asleep?”
I nod but don’t look at him. “Your five minutes are nearly up Drew. Just say what you need to then you can just go.” My voice is sharp, I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to him like this. We were never one of those couples that really had fights, he’s too chilled. If we ever disagreed he’d just leave for five minutes and come back with chicken nuggets for me, then everything would be fine again. We never went to sleep angry.
“Kal, can you please look at me?”
I honestly can’t, even the smell of his aftershave is making me want to weep. I can’t look at him.
“Kallie. I need to know what happened. Brie said some stuff earlier and it’s got me all fucked up, she acted like I was the one to end this because of you or something.”
Is he kidding? Finally I let my eyes fall in his direction but try to focus on the water stain behind him on the wall instead of his eyes. “You were the one to end this Drew. You decided to stay on the other side of the country, you were the one to say you didn’t think this would work long distance... You were the one to stop looking at me after what I did.”
A small tear formed in my eye, I lowered my head to face my knees before he could see it fall. There was quiet again, then I heard the scraping of a chair as Drew pulled out another folding one and sat in front of me. “After what I did Kal, not you. I could see how much it killed you, I watched it eat you up and it finally fucking hit me that I made you do that. It wasn’t you I couldn’t look at Kal... it was the reflection of me in your eyes... I hate myself for making you do it.”
He thinks he made me? “Drew, you didn’t make me do anything. We talked about it and we agreed, I still do. Being back here now with Dad and Jake I definitely wouldn’t have coped. We made the right decision, I believe that. I know that makes you think I’m some kind of evil person but-”
His chair scrapes against the floor as he falls to his knees in front of me, I don’t know what’s happening until I hear him sobbing as his head falls into my lap.
Oh crap. What do I do? I haven’t felt his touch in so long, even in this state the electricity is pumping from the hands he has placed against my thighs. I should hate him, I know I should, but I can’t watch him like this and do nothing.
My hand soothes through his hair to the back of his neck, holding him and trying to bring comfort. Before I see it his hand reaches up to join it, holding my palm flat against his skin.
His head doesn’t move as he stutters through sobs straight into my lap. “K-Kal, I really fucked it... I-I know I did... I don’t think you’re a monster baby, I think I am.”
Why does he feel like that? Why didn’t he just talk to me instead of putting us both through this? I take my other hand and slide it under his chin, lifting his face to look at me. “Tell me what happened, tell me what happened from your side. Please.”
I can barely control myself, I’ve never seen him looking this vulnerable. My tears escape me as I stare into the eyes I spent so long falling asleep next too. He takes hold of my waist and pulls me straight down from the chair into his lap, laying my head on his shoulder. “Just let me hold you first, you may never give me the chance again after.”
The tears don’t stop, the feeling of being back in his arms is almost too much. He is my first love, my only love. There isn’t anything else I’ve experienced that compared to this feeling. “Fuck Kal, I’ve missed you so fucking much. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”
When I woke up this morning I hated him, I wanted nothing more than to see him suffer. Right now all I want is to go back to a year ago, when I was riding on the back of his bike as we whipped through the campus without a care in the world, the rest of the people around us a complete blur as we became so caught up in us. “Drew, please tell me.”
He takes a deep breath, raising his own head but placing his hand to the back of my own to keep me against his shoulder as he talked. “When you said you were pregnant I freaked. We’d always said we didn’t want to do what our parents did, if we had kids it was going to be when we had everything to offer them. I didn’t even try to hide how I felt from you and when you said you felt the same way and wanted to go to the clinic I was so fucking relieved that I didn’t even question you on it.”
I know all this, I was there remember? “Then the day after we came home I woke up and heard you crying in the bathroom. For the first time in our relationship I didn’t know what to do, then it hit me that maybe it wasn’t what you wanted, that you did it for me. I know it was stupid and selfish, you really fucking needed me but I just couldn’t live with myself once the thought entered my head. I tried to make it go, I fucking tried too but whenever I saw you upset it hit me all over again.”
He sucks in a chest full of oxygen. I need to tell him again that it wasn’t that way, I never blamed him. “I went to see my Dad, worst fucking mistake. He told me that you’d never forgive me for it, that you’d stay with me out of guilt but you’d learn to hate me just like my mum hated him for making her have me. I didn’t want that life for you Kal, I watched their relationship destroy her until she was nothing. Coach said about me staying on for another year, that he was getting scouts out at the end of the season and he thought I’d be a late pick, it felt like a sign. I never wanted to hurt you baby, I swear I didn’t. If I’d known that’s what you thought was going on, I never would’ve let you leave. I thought getting you away from me would be saving you from the life of pain being with me would cause... having to look at me and relive what I put you through everyday. I thought you know why I stayed and that deep down you’d be relieved to be free of me.”
He’s been living with all this guilt, guilt he didn’t need to be living with. I push myself up to face him and place my hands in his cheeks. “I don’t blame you Drew, I don’t blame anyone. We made a choice and we made it together, it was the right one... I thought you hated me.”
Shaking his head he mirrors my placement by holding my head in his hands. “I could never fucking hate you Kal. I love you, I’ve always loved you. You’re the most important person in the world to me, I have spent every night without you tearing myself apart. I feel nothing else, since the day you left the world has been black for me. I’m stupid, so stupid for not talking to you but I knew if I did I’d never go through with it. I thought I was saving you from me, from you ending up like my mum.”
I don’t need him to save me from him, I need him to love me. He’s it for me, he’s all I’ve ever wanted. “Kal when Jayce spoke to us about coming here my heart started beating like crazy, I knew I shouldn’t come but there was a part of me that was so desperate to just breathe the same air as you, I couldn’t stop myself. Brie said what she said and I couldn’t cope with it... then I saw you and I thought my heart was going to give out. Even if you never forgive me, I knew I needed to come and explain what happened, I needed to get your side of it. You deserved to know the truth.”
I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding for so long, my body aching at its release. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry you went through this alone, I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could talk to me.”
He shakes his head as his hands drop from my face to my shoulders, holding onto my body like he doesn’t know when he’ll feel it again. “You don’t have anything to apologise for, I shouldn’t have been such a coward, I should’ve spoken to you about everything I was feeling. It shouldn’t have taken all this for me to come to you, it was all my fault. I love you Kal, I know you probably feel so far from that about me but before I leave I need you to know that. I fucking love you.”
I love him too. I never stopped. What we had was more special than anything else I’ve ever seen, we just both needed this to realise it. “I forgive you Drew, I don’t know what that’s worth to you but you should know that I do.”
He pulls my whole body in close to his. “It means everything to me... Kal I don’t know where we go from here... I know you’re world is different now, I don’t even know if you want me in it. I just... I don’t want to be without you in mine. I’ll give you whatever time you need, I’ll even just be your friend if that’s what you want now but please, please don’t make me walk out of here and never see you again. You’re in every future I see for myself, I don’t want one that doesn’t have at least a bit if your smiling face in it.”
I smile, he doesn’t even realise it does he? “I can’t imagine one without you either... but I don’t want to be your friend Drew. I want more than that.”
He pulls me back to face him. “We don’t have to rush into anything Kal, I know I have some serious fucking making up to do. I’m more sorry than you can ever know, I’ll never do anything like this again. I promise I will talk to you about everything, just like we always did. You have the control here, I know half the team asked Jayce for your number so I’m pretty sure you could replace me in a minute if you wanted to.”
I laugh. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
I can’t believe we did this to each other. I’m not remotely surprised that his Dad played his part in our downfall either but I can tell by the look in Drew’s eye that he means every word he’s saying, he loves me.
Smiling I run my hand across his cheek. “So... you said something about making it up to me?”
That little smile makes it’s way to his lips and I know for the first time in a long time, I’m actually going to wake up to those eyes again real soon.