He can’t even look at me, without so much as throwing a glance my way he pulls Hope from my arms and barges past Meg with her into the house.
I just stand here frozen, what the hell am I supposed to do now?
Meg continues to smile at me, moving to the side and gesturing for me to walk through the door. Like fuck am I going in there. She’s really fucking happy with the pain she’s caused isn’t she? She has this look on her face like she’s just won a battle in a lifetime war or something.
I speak through gritted teeth as I try not to rip her head off. “Why the fuck did you do that?”
My words seem to have no affect on her as she glances down at her over-priced fake nails and shrugs her shoulders. “It was funny. He’s so fucking uptight about things, it’s good he’s with someone who is a bit more... free. Were you with him when you were with me?”
Is she fucking kidding? Funny? She’s probably crushed this entire thing for us and she did it because she thought it was funny?! I swear if I ever see this bitch walking down the street I’m gonna tear her tongue out of her fucking mouth.
I look straight over her shoulder into the house to see if I can see him but I have no idea where he is. Grabbing my phone I get ready to call Josh or Al to come get me the fuck away from here.
“Ignoring me beautiful?” I refuse to even acknowledge this waste of space’s presence right now. I turn to walk down the drive, there’s a coffee shop a block over from here I can wait in or the park opposite. I don’t think Connor will want me back in his car tonight.
Stepping down the concrete stairs I hear her voice again. I don’t remember it being this fucking annoying that night but I guess she wasn’t actually using her tongue to talk much. Fuck. How could I do this to him?
“Come on, tell me the truth. Who’s better, me or him?” This is just a fucking game to her isn’t it? She doesn’t give a shit about the pain she’s just caused him, or the fact she’s just ruined this for us at all. Did she know about me and him when she walked into that room? No, there’s no way.
Smirking at her, I step back up to the front door. “Oh it’s not even a competition hun, I only went back to one of you for more and it sure as fuck wasn’t you.”
She has this evil look right now, like one of those hyenas in the Lion King that you just loath on sight. It’s funny how getting to know someone can make all their external beauty completely disappear for you in an instant.
“Well I’m glad he’s finally making someone satisfied. Give it time, a girl like you isn’t supposed to be with a guy like him babe. Trust me. You could have anyone gorgeous, why would you want a guy who can’t give you any adventure? Always strapped down to some defective kid.”
My hand hits her face on fucking instinct. How dare she speak about Hope like that?! I smack the bitch so hard her head bounces off the front door next to her and a smirk makes it’s way to my face as I see the trickle of blood pour from her mouth.
I look behind the pathetic mess still clutching her cheek to see Connor, Bethany and Hope all looking at me with their jaws wide open. I don’t know how much they heard or what they saw but I don’t give a fuck. “I’m not sorry, she deserved it.”
Stepping back down the stairs I rush across the road and straight into the park, keeping moving until I’m deep into the wooded area, I’m out of anyone’s sight before finally letting everything that just happened hit me. My body collapses as I slide down the bark of a large oak tree and crash into the dirt below. The dirt is exactly where I belong.
There’s the sound of children playing off in the distance but I know I’m pretty shielded here as I let the emotions pull me into the darkest of places out of their view.
I’ve never been ashamed of who I am, I know I’m damaged and really fucked up but I’ve always thought I was a pretty good person overall. I love my family and I protect my friends, I’ve never hurt anyone that didn’t deserve it.
Today however, right now. I’ve never been more disgusted with myself.
I didn’t know who she was, I couldn’t have known but that doesn’t change what I did. Connor has been nothing but good to me and I’ve hurt him at every opportunity, this is the universe telling me that girls like me don’t deserve men like him.
He’s perfect for someone, I’m just not that girl. I was never that girl.
A single tear falls down my cheek as I let the pain I’ve caused smack me again. My phone is ringing but I don’t answer it, I can’t face everyone yet. I just sit here, the noises of the innocent childlike world around me a reminder of how far from innocent I am.
He always said I was this, that I’m dirty. He said no man would ever want a girl like me. That monster made sure of that... No Brie, don’t go there, thinking about that right now won’t help.
My phone rings again but I ignore it, letting my head fall back against the trunk of the tree whilst releasing a deep breath and trying to get my shit together. A drop of rain hits my shoulder and I just want it to pour, to let the water wash away the pain I’ve caused.
You know who would make this whole situation better? He’d laugh, he’d tell me I was a bad girl and smile but then he’d remind me I was human. Harley had this way of making even the most complicated parts of your life seem so simple. I wonder if him and Chad are sitting on a cloud right now watching me. Chad probably making some joke about how I was bound to find myself in this type of situation one day and Harley reminding him he was no angel either, as he slaps him upside the back of his head.
Josh. I need Josh. He’ll come to the beach with me, I need to talk to Harley.
Taking my phone out of my pocket I pull up his number but before I get a chance to call it starts ringing again, ‘Green eyes’ flashing on the screen.
He doesn’t deserve to be ignored, I’m the one that fucked up here. I deserve to face whatever crap he wants to throw at me. I click the green button, a cold gust of wind hitting my bare skin and carrying a splash of rain with it.
“Brie, where the fuck are you?”
Why does he sound so concerned? He should fucking hate me right now.
“I’m fine, I’m just... I’m so sorry Connor, I swear I didn’t know who she was. I would never have done that to you if I knew.”
There’s rustling behind me, I turn just in time to see his mop of blonde hair poking up through the treeline. I drop the phone back into my pocket as I stand, making sure to wipe away the tears from my cheeks before he sees me.
He still can’t look at me, his eyes on the floor as he makes his way closer. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know if there is anything that could explain to him how sorry I am.
He walks straight past me stands against the tree opposite, letting his head fall back and staring up into the sky. I let myself sink back to the floor, the ground is moist now but I don’t care. He comes down to face me and I can see how broken he is.
“Was it one time or did you guys like... date?”
Date that bitch? Absolutely fucking not. “It was one night... Connor, I don’t think you want to know the details of this. It won’t help, trust me.”
He rests his head in his hands. “Actually think it would, what I’ve got going around in my head right now is pretty fucking bad.”
Oh trust me, it won’t be as bad as the truth. I’m the one that fucked up here, if I have any hope of there being something between us I have to be honest. “Okay. Ask me anything, I’ll tell you but I can’t promise you’ll like it. I owe you that much though if it’s what you want.”
I try to look at him but it hurts to see him like this.
“Was it after me or before?”
“After the night in the park but before anything started happening between us like this, it was weeks ago.”
He shakes his head. “So when she was already with this guy then. Not that I’m surprised she’d do that, did you know she was with someone?”
Fuck. “Kind of. We weren’t exactly... we weren’t alone when we were together... I wasn’t with the guy she was with though, he just watched, but I was with a different guy that night too. The guy you saw the other day in the car outside school. Shit, too much information Brie.”
“Sounds like a busy night.” If he wasn’t so pissed right now I might actually laugh at that, I realise how awful this sounds. “Have you always known you like girls?”
I nod. “I’m not a big fan of labels, I just think if you’re attracted to someone then you’re attracted to them. I’m less bisexual and more... just sexual.” He takes a deep breath, letting all this information wash over him. “I’m so sorry. I can’t take I back, I swear if I could then I would but I can’t. I get this is over now but-”
“You want this to be over?” His head finally shoots up, his eyes meeting mine for the first time and breaking my heart all over again.
He doesn’t? “I mean, I just assumed... Don’t you want it to be?”
There’s a waver in his eyes, a tremble in his lip as he parts them to pull in another lung full of air. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just need some time to get my head around it first.”
The trees have been protecting us but I can feel now the light drizzle of rain is becoming heavier, soon it will be a downpour. What do I do now? I hate this, I hate I’ve caused him this much pain.
Standing up I step towards him, lowering myself to my knees as I sit in front of him. “You can take all the time you need. I fucked up Con, really fucked up and I’ll get it if you never want to see me again. Just, let me know when you know what you want to do. There’s no pressure here.”
His hand takes mine, gently trailing his own pads over my fingers. “If I can get my head around this then... I want us to be all in. This changes stuff Brie, I can’t be with you but not with you after this. Hope likes you too much for us to still be on the fence with stuff, it’s not fair.”
I know he’s right, Hope being involved was always going to make things more difficult. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t already feel attached to her. “That’s fair. I’m just... take your time, I’ll need it too.”
He nods, bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing the skin gently. I know I’m not ready to be with anyone right now but if I have any hope of being with this guy, it has to be on his terms now.
The lips remove themselves from my skin and I miss them already. “I’ll give you a lift home.”
I shake my head. “It’s okay, Steve lives not far from here and Josh moved in there today, he’ll come get me now. Just get yourself sorted, I’ll be fine.”
We both stand, his fingers still gently holding mine. Walking back down to the path it splits into a fork and we both know we need to go in opposite directions. My heart pumps slowly as his hand drops from mine, the hurt in his eyes still so prominent.
I want to kiss him goodbye, I want to tell him again how sorry I am and remind him how special he is but right now isn’t about me. It’s about what he needs, space.
He leans over, placing a gentle kiss on the top of my head before turning towards the right. I don’t even realise I haven’t moved until I can barely make out his form in the distance, disappearing through the gate.
Our relationship started like this, one damaged person running away and out of a park. I just never thought I’d be on this side of it.
See you later good boy... hopefully.