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Live Without Me

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Felix Tattersall, a young man who found love years after his transition from a woman to a man, confessed after years of friendship and only having his heart, broken in the end. Graham Angelo, his best friend was astounded when Felix, his loyal friend confessed his feelings to him on a snowy midnight had yet to understand where Felix's feelings came from and was left standing under the moonlight processing all of this only to wake up next to a whimpering baby boy in a room he was all too familiar with. Cover by: the_nerd.artist

Romance / Thriller
Vanessa Nicole
5.0 1 review
Age Rating:

Chapter 1

Switching off the engine of his car, he looked out at the park blanket in snow. It had been snowing for the past three days now but luckily, at this hour, the snowfall was light and danced with the wind. Rubbing his hands together, he shrugged on his black coat and climbed out of the car.

Locking the car, he turned on his heels and stalked towards the staircase a few feet from him, “Fuck it’s cold!” He cursed under his breath. Buttoning up his coat, he shoved his hands in his pocket and looked ahead of him.

Stopping at the top of the staircase, he looked down. Ahead of him, he saw someone standing in the middle of the park not too far from a fountain looking up at the moon. A smile tugged at his lips and he made his way down the steps.

The man waiting for him did not know that he had arrived yet and was taken by surprise when he was embraced from behind. At first, his heart beat fast as many bad scenarios emerged in his thoughts but the moment a familiar scent and chuckle was smelled and heard, he sighed relieved and sank into the embrace.

The man holding him could feel that his body was cold, not to mention that he was just wearing a suit and no coat. Letting go of him, he turned the shorter man to face him and asked with a frown on his face, “Do you have a death wish?”

The shorter man chuckled, shaking his head he answered, “No, I just needed to clear my head.” The taller man was not convinced, opening his coat he pulled the shorter man in for a hug and closed his coat around them. Luckily for him, the shorter man was shorter by a head and slim enough for the coat to close around them.

The shorter man couldn’t help but smile. Taking a deep breath in, he shuddered, he loved the taller man’s musk smell and he couldn’t get enough of it. “What am I going to do if you freeze to death?” The taller man asked with a groan as he placed his head on the shorter man’s head and hugged him tightly.

The shorter man’s smile faded as he whispered, “You’ll live on Graham.” The taller man grumbled but didn’t answer back, after a moment of silence, Graham asked, “So what made you think of calling me up an hour before a new day? Are you that eager to celebrate your birthday Felix?”

Felix chuckled, pulling away, he looked at Graham sadly. They were standing under the moonlight and he could barely make out his face. Looking down at his feet Felix asked him, “Have you ever wondered what the inside of my mouth tastes like?”

Graham raised a surprised brow, “No, why?” He asked back. Felix’s heart dropped to the pits of his stomach. A tear dripped out of his left eye, sniffling he wiped the tear away with his thumb. Bitting on the inside of his cheek, he clutched his hands at his side, looking up at Graham who was frowning he asked, “Why haven’t you?”

Graham’s frown deepened, why was he asking him such a crazy question? Looking at Felix’s face that he could barely make out he answered simply, “I’m not interested in making out with men.”

“Oh…” Was all Felix could utter. He squeezed his eyes shut taking slow breaths in. He shook his head slightly trying to convince himself not to cry but it didn’t work. Hiding his sob with a chuckle, he turned around and walked to a nearby bench.

Leaning down over it, he picked up his coat and shrugged it on and fastened it, he then pulled on gloves and a scarf to shade him from the cold. He heard Graham approach him from the side and stiffened.

Graham couldn’t understand what Felix was trying to say, “Hey Felix,” he called concerned. He touched Felix’s shoulder but his hand were shrugged off. Standing there with his hand in mid-air, he was stunned, he was never treated like this by this guy, what did he do to him that made him behave this way?

A cold wind blew by Graham’s face as Felix uttered, “I love you Graham.” Felix’s back was facing him but he could see his head lean in a bow and his shoulders shake, “I love you,” Felix whispered.

Graham blinked once, blinked twice and it finally registered as Felix’s words, ‘Have you ever wondered what the inside of my mouth tastes like?’ Suddenly made sense.

“Felix, why? How can you say you love me?” Graham asked. Felix chuckled, turning around, he looked at Graham who stared back at him in horror. It wasn’t that he was afraid but that it was his first time seeing his best friend cry.

“How can I not love you? You’re perfect,” Felix said with a broken smile on his face.

“I’m perfect? Felix stop speaking nonsense, we’re both men,” Graham refused to believe him.

Felix looked at his friend with pure heartfelt, “I know you’re a man Gray. But must you call my confession nonsense? I’ve loved you for fourteen years, since the day we met!”

“You’ve been my friend for all these years with those intentions?” Graham asked with a steeled expression.

Felix stepped back frightened. He was never on the receiving end of this man’s fury but now, it seemed so, “Please don’t be angry at me, I’ve tried my best to keep my feelings in check for you but I just can’t anymore, I love you Graham, I really love you and I can’t keep pretending that I don’t anymore, it’s hard.” Felix’s eyes started watering and his nose stuffed up, looking into Graham’s eyes with the courage he mustered up, he said, “It hurts every time I see you in someone else’s arms.”

Wiping away his tears he cried into his palms, “I know I agreed to have threesomes with you and Tamlynn, but I could never go through with it for a reason. But I had to watch you hold her instead of me, you don’t love her but you treat her with care, do you know I hate her?” He asked looking up.

Graham stared down at Felix expressionless but inside his heart was pounding, “It may seem like nonsense to you but these are my honest feelings and I don’t want you to trample on them.”

Clenching his fists at his side he said with determination, “I have the right to love whoever I want and I chose you Graham. I love you so much that I willingly do illegal thing’s for you. I chose you over my family and I would choose you over them even if I could turn back time.”

Felix stepped closer to him and grabbed him by the lapels of his coat, looking into Graham’s eyes he said, “I will lay my life down for you, take your place if you have to go to prison. I will take as many knife wounds and bullet holes as you want me to but Gray… I can’t stay by your side anymore.”

Leaning his head against Graham’s chest he let go of the lapels of his coat, his hands slid down Graham’s chest as he whispered, “I want to kiss you every time I see you, I want to shower you with love, I want to spoil you rotten and I want to have a family with you but I can’t because I’m not a woman!”

His hands clenched into fists. Hitting Graham against the chest softly with his right hand he continued, “I think of you throughout the day. You’re the first one I think of when I wake up and you are the one that makes me smile just with the sound of your voice or by seeing your face.”

Choking back a sob, he raised his face to look up at Graham who was looking ahead of them. Felix’s voice trembled as it hit his ears, “I want to kiss you passionately as we do in my dreams. I want to be held by you as you hold me in my dreams. I don’t want to have wet dreams about you anymore and want you to have your way with me even if it’s rough - just the way you like it.”

A blush crept up his cheeks as he added softly, “I want to scream your name and let everyone know that it’s you disrupting their sleep. I don’t even care if you want to do it in public, I’ll happily let you because it’s you.”

Snaking his arms around Graham’s waist he said, “You sleep in my bed but don’t know that I fall asleep to your heartbeat. I trace your features with my fingertips and run my hand through your hair, it’s not me who protects you and makes you feel safe but the other way around, I lay beside you for your warmth. When you’re beside me I feel safe and when we’re together, you are the one protecting me.”

Stepping away from Graham, Felix wiped away his tears and smiled at the man he loved, “I don’t think I’ll ever get over you but I will never regret loving you. Gray, you will always have my heart but I can’t stay by your side anymore as your friend. I don’t expect you to accept my feelings but I just wanted you to know.”

Sucking in his dry lips that quivered with his confession, he forced a smile. Entangling his fingers together saying, “I hope you don’t hate me and for the last time, I’ll say it, I love you, Graham Angelo.”

Felix’s heart squeezed and his hand flew to his mouth to muffle the sound of his cry. Turning on his heels he ran off leaving his love behind him. He ran up the stairs Graham came down, running towards his car. Felix fumbled with his car keys trying to get them out of his pocket. The keys slipped out falling to the ground frustrating him as his sobs echoed around him in the dark of midnight.

Falling to his knees he held himself and leaned against his car as he cried. His heart was broken and the only one who could heal it, he left behind. After a while of crying, he finally calmed down and got into his car, starting the engine up he switched on the heater and drove off passing Graham’s car and not looking back, it was best this way.

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