Sometimes pain is all I feel. Not the physical kind but the emotional kind. The heart wrenching, soul destroying kind.
Has your heart ever hurt so much that you thought it might actually explode?
It was like a void in your heart that can never be fixed. A hole that burns so deep that you don't think you could ever be okay again.
Happiness is nothing but a distant memory for me. Half my soul is missing and I will never be able to fill the empty space again.
It has been nine months since I watched as my beautiful mate was murdered right in front of me. There was nothing I could do to stop what they did to her but I still blame myself everyday.
All I remember was the screaming... the endless screaming. From her. From me.
I hate myself more everyday. Half my soul was gone, my mate was gone. The heartache was unbearable, it still is today. Being an Alpha doesn't make it better, it just makes things worse.
I know I've been hard on my pack since she passed away but what do they expect? My life and my future was gone and she was never coming back.
Nothing could make me feel okay again and I that was the only thing I was sure of.
"Alpha Jaxon," Kayden the Beta to my pack addresses me as he strolls into my office uninvited.
I scowl looking up at him through my dark hooded eyes. "What do you want?" I almost spit at him.
My attention is focused back to my desk, there was nothing I hated more than being bothered.
"I just wanted to know if you'd have dinner with us? It's been a long time sinc—" I cut him off before he has the time to finish his sentence.
My hands start to ball into fists on my desk as I squeeze the pen tightly between my fingers. "Kayden, would you just leave me alone? I have no intention of joining you for dinner. Not now, not ever."
Kayden's face turns to a sympathetic look. "I know you miss her Jaxon but we miss you too. I think you should start trying to have dinner with us. We want to be there for you and su—"
Holding my hand up to him as my eyes now burn with fury. "Don't finish that sentence."
"But Alph—" He starts again.
I almost let a growl leave my lips at his inability to listen to what I'm saying."You have no idea how I feel Kayden! You have no right to come into my office and tell me what I should be doing!" My voice booms around the room and Kayden flinches at my tone.
Raising to my feet in anger as I push the chair out from underneath of me, my chest was heaving.
"I didn't meant to upset you Jaxon," Kayden says as he quickly fumbles to open my door and abruptly exits.
I swing my fist into the lamp on my desk, letting it hit the wall with such force is shatters into pieces before me. A scream leaves my lips, letting all my emotions out. All the emotions that are crawling through my body like trapped poison constantly making me think like a psychopath.
The ones that paralyse me everyday.
Before I can even think about my actions I storm across my office and out the door. Flying down the stairs, not bothering to say anything to anyone.
"Jaxon!" I hear my sister, Lucy call out to me.
I have to ignore her because I wasn't going to lose my shit around her, around them. They've taken the hit far too many times and I hated myself for it but the pain in my chest just never goes away. This is the only way I know how to deal with it. Grieving is never easy, anyone who says it gets better is a liar.
Opening our glass front door and forcefully shut it behind me. The cool crisp air whips against the skin on my arms, not even bothering that I hadn't brought a jacket.
Once I reach my car I sit inside for a few seconds, my eyes gather tears but I don't let them fall. My hands reach up to secure them around the leather wheel and I tighten.
Biting down on my jaw as my vision turns blurry and my ears ring with distress. A scream erupts from my chest as I hit the wheel multiple times in anger. My knuckles begin to pulsate in pain as I aggressively punch the wheel over and over.
My fingers fumble with the keys and I race out of the drive as quickly as I can. I wish I could just run out into the woods and shift into my wolf and spend the evening with nature. But I couldn't.
When Julia died, my wolf did too.
He's still there, somewhere inside me. I just haven't seen him for nine months, I haven't felt him, his instincts, his feelings. He just completely died inside of me.
I know that he's weak and heartbroken, he doesn't want to be seen because he's trying to heal. I'm envious of him in that sense, I would do anything to just be alone without anyone bothering me.
What was the point in living without your mate? The only thing that could ever make you feel complete.
I wasn't sure where exactly I was driving to, my mind needed a distraction and a change of scenery. Turning left onto an empty road, the night was dark, the sky full of clouds and not a single star in sight.
The road started to become narrow and the trees getting taller around me. A hand rakes it's way through my hair as I try to think of anything but Julia.
Why was life never simple?
My nose begins to tingle as a soft scent swarms me, my senses become sensitive and my arms raise in goosebumps. Sitting up straight in my seat, I squint my eyes at the dimly lit road ahead of me.
The smell was faint but it was beautiful, a subtle scent of vanilla mixed with chestnut.
I kept questioning where it was coming from as the smell was becoming stronger by the second. Pins and needles start to develop in my hand and I take one hand off the steering wheel and stretch it quickly.
The shadows of the trees were reflecting down onto the ground, blowing in the wind softly. I slow down slightly because something didn't feel right.
My eyes snap to the side of the road as the bushes begin to rustle. The scent was even stronger now, I almost felt suffocated by it.
My foot slams on the breaks when a young girl emerges from the bushes, running across the road with a slight limp.
As she crosses the road my car almost hits her, I try my best do swerve but there was nowhere to go on this narrow road. Instead she slams her hands down on the hood of the car and looks through the windscreen in fear.
Her whole body was shaking, her tiny frame covered in cuts and bruises. The scent was so intense, my heart began to race rapidly inside my chest.
My eyes capture her dark brown willow eyes.
My wolf inside me speaks as my lips part briefly in complete and utter shock.