The Female

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Chapter 29 - Decisions


I roll over and stare at Gray as he sleeps, intrigued by the tiny freckles that line his cheeks and the stubble growing along his chin. I don’t know why, but I was always under the impression that the other breeds were perfect, their skin flawless and free of any markings.

Gray pretty much fits that bill, only occasionally marred by a scar or spot. They make him feel more attainable, though, and I leisurely slide my eyes to the hole in his ear where he once wore an earring. It’s hard to imagine him with one in, and I make a mental note to see if I can find any jewelry in his room that I can make him put on and show me.

My bottom lip trembles as I continue to look him over, my feelings getting the best of me as I remember how it felt to watch him with that other woman.

It’s clear that he’s been genuine in his attempts to earn my forgiveness, apologizing for it what feels like thousands of times and refusing to leave me alone for even a minute. I have to admit that I appreciate the closeness, my jealousy urging me to keep him in my sights so he can’t meander off to wherever he goes to during the day.

I know it’s not healthy, and Gray’s been more than happy to quietly murmur that reminder to me when I get too clingy, but, still, he hardly seems upset by it.

Reaching forward, I trace my finger down the bridge of his nose before leaning in and kissing his cheek. His skin is a bit cold underneath my touch, making me worry about his current state of hunger. I know he was pretty full after feeding on both Alex and me the other day, but that was almost a week ago now.

He hasn’t asked or even mentioned touching me since the incident, but I can tell he’s starting to feel the effects. My lips purse as I debate offering for him to touch me, but my anger prevents me from doing so.

I gulp as his arm snakes up the blankets and he lightly grabs my wrist, his fingers curling around the bone before moving my hand to his lips so he can press a gentle kiss to it.

“Do you want to talk about last night?” He whispers.

I shake my head, not even wanting to think about it. Embarrassment still filters through me at the way I punched his shoulder until he woke up, my voice loud and shrill as I screamed at him for entering my dreams without permission.

He was so calm and patient as he explained that he wasn’t anywhere near my dreams, and reassured me through my tears that he wouldn’t do that without my permission. I crumpled into his arms in shame as I realized that it was my own twisted, sick mind that conjured up those intimate images of him and Alex.

“No,” I state firmly.

Gray sighs, his eyes blinking open as he props himself up on his elbow and leans over me.

“You know that there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to us, right? It’s okay to fantasize about what happened last week.” He quietly shares.

My face reddens and my eyes fill with tears at his reassurance. He’s being so kind to me, but I’m still so mad and it’s confusing. I want things to go back to the way they used to be. I wish that the party never happened so I could continue pretending that I’m Gray’s only female and that Alex still hated me.

Gray runs a soothing hand down my face before tucking my hair behind my ear. I lean into his hold, comforted.

“It’s not okay.” I eventually admit. “We raped him.”

I’ve been avoiding talking about what happened between us and Alex, but the guilt is eating away at me. He didn’t want us to touch him, and even went as far as to hit Gray the first couple of times he tried. Just because he gave into it at the end doesn’t mean it’s okay, and I feel nothing less than complete shame over the part I played in it.

Gray visibly hesitates as he watches me come apart, his mouth opening and closing as he finds the right thing to say to me.

“Charlie,” He eventually starts, his voice hard. “We did not rape him. Alex is a strong Demon. If he didn’t want what was happening, he could have either fought us all off or shifted away. This isn’t the first time that we’ve attempted to calm Alex’s Wrath using my lust, and I can assure you from experience that he has no issues disappearing if he gets bored with our antics.”

Gray continues to console me with soft whispers as I sob into his chest, unsure what to believe. I know they all have the ability to shift and that Alex could have easily gotten himself out of that situation if he wanted, but a part of me is still guilty.

He’s still at the pits and, from what I can tell, has no obligations that’ll bring him back soon. I won’t be able to get past this until I apologize and hear the truth from his mouth.

Alex may not like me, and I may be scared shitless of him, but if we’re going to live together then one of us needs to make an effort to be cordial. I thought it would be him given the fact that he’s older than dirt, but leave it up to the twenty-five year-old female to be the bigger person.

“Are you hungry? I hear the Shadows downstairs setting out the food.” Gray whispers, stroking my cheek.

I tend not to be a big breakfast person, but after seeing Gray scarf down copious amounts of food the past few days, I know that he’s asking more for himself.

“You eat more when you’re hungry.” I note.

Gray laughs, looking at me like I’ve grown three heads.

“Yeah, that’s kind of how appetites work.”

I snort and shove at his chest before rolling out of his bed. He practically begged me not to make him sleep on his own after our big fight, his desperation loud and poorly hidden.

I have no intentions to force him to share information that he doesn’t want to give voluntarily, but I assume it has something to do with the female Alex killed at the party. Knowing how their relationship ended, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she would sneak away at night to seek out the other Incubi in his den.

When Gray told me about him and Shay, I demanded that he tell me if there are any other females that I need to be made aware of. He wasn’t happy by my question, begrudgingly informing me that there are not many Demon women he hasn’t fed on at some point, before growing even quieter and telling me that the only other woman he’s had a noteworthy relationship with his lifetime was Nicollette.

He briefly mentioned that she’s the woman he once tried to claim as his, but his stiff lip and tense posture told me that he didn’t want to speak anymore on the subject. I’m sure it wasn’t easy watching Alex rip out her heart, but do appreciate that he told me.

I also don’t love that he’s slept with practically every Demon woman I’ll ever meet, but am trying my best not to be judgemental. Besides the fact that he literally needs it to survive, the customs in this realm are different from my own.

“I mean when you’re hungry-hungry.” I clarify, slyly pointing to his hardened length.

Gray frowns, his lips turning down as he drops his head and looks at it. I try not to appear too shocked as he curls his fingers around the base and squeezes. He does this every morning, pawing at his own dick like a horny, temperamental young boy before remembering that it’s not normal for me and dropping it like it’s on fire.

It makes me wonder what his life used to be like before I arrived, and if he would openly touch himself whenever the mood struck him. Probably.

“Yeah, it’s a side effect. Don’t worry about it, though. I’m fine.” He lies, dropping his cock before bending down and sliding on a pair of underwear.

I frown, wanting to push the subject.

“How long can you go without feeding?” I probe.

Gray shrugs, his eyes narrowing as he snaps the elastic band around his waist and heads towards his closet in search of some clothing.

“I told you I’m fine.” He repeats, a bit snippy in his words.



I huff, stomping into his closet and inserting myself between him and the rack of trousers he’s looking at. He frowns, his eyes softening as he takes in my angry reaction. Running his hand through his hair, he lets out a shaky breath and lowers his face into my neck.

He has to bend his knees quite a bit to reach, so I push up on my tippy toes to help.

“I can go about a week before getting hungry and irritable. After two or three, I’ll grow desperate and won’t be able to stop myself from, at a minimum, sneaking into your dreams.” He admits softly. “But please don’t be scared of me. I swear if I get too hungry I’ll go to a whorehouse.”

My heart thumps in anger as I rip myself out of his arms. He still intends to feed off others? I take a step back into his clothing rack, my arms moving instinctively to cover my chest.

Gray’s quick to backtrack as he realizes his mistake, his hands grabbing at my cheeks and forcing me to look up at him.

“It’s not like that, Charlie. I’m trying to be compassionate here. This isn’t me being an asshole and feeding because I want to. I need to do it to survive.” He argues.

I push his hand away. “If you get so hungry, why wouldn’t you just feed off of me?”

Gray screeches, the noise high pitched and full of frustration.

“If I’m to that point of hunger, it’s safe to assume it’s because you aren’t letting me feed off of you.” He explains, his voice deepening as he bends his knees and levels his face with mine.

“I’m more than happy with the idea of you being my only source, but if that’s something you want then you need to learn to disconnect our romantic relationship from intimacy. Imagine if I got angry and starved you in punishment. Made you go days without any food. That would be cruel, wouldn’t it?” Gray whispers, his thumbs softly stroking my cheeks. “That’s what you’re doing to me by demanding that you be the only person I feed on but also holding out when you’re unhappy with me.”

My lip trembles, and my eyebrows furrow together as he explains this. It makes complete sense, and the realization of what I’m doing to him fills me with grief.

“I want you to feed off of me when you’re hungry.” I eagerly inform him.

Gray smiles, but it’s soft and sad.

“Why don’t you think some more about it and come back later with a decision. If this is truly what you want, then I need you to understand I’ll be in your dreams even when you don’t expect it. I don’t want to be woken up in the middle of the night being attacked because I fed. I’ll stick to the limits you set and won’t push them, but I’m not going to ask permission every time I want to eat for the rest of our lives.” He states, his eyes boring into my own as he tries to make me understand the gravity of the situation.

I gulp, nodding.

I can’t say I’m entirely comfortable with the thought of him entering my dreams whenever he wants, but I understand these needs are part of him. It’d be like him wanting to be with me but demanding that I don’t get a period. I don’t have control over that part of my body, and he doesn’t have control over his need for lust.

My mouth feels dry as Gray releases his hold on my cheeks and grabs my hands. He maintains eye contact as he brings them up to his mouth and presses a soft kiss to the back of them.

“Think about it.” He murmurs.

The air feels tense as I step out of the way and leave Gray alone. He doesn’t say anything as I walk out of his closet and hurry through the bathroom into my room. My mind continues to reel as I tear off my pajamas and slip on some athletic clothing. Gray’s taken it upon himself to buy me a handful of sets after seeing how much I love them, the action warming my heart.

My parents always complained about how expensive women’s clothing has gotten since it’s no longer made in bulk, and I don’t even want to think about how much Gray spent to purchase me the new sets.

I peek into Gray’s room once I’m finished, frowning as I realize he’s already left for breakfast. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that he’s wanting some space after our tense conversation.

I take a moment to ponder his proposition as I head downstairs to the library. I understand his side of the argument and that I can’t have all of him while keeping him from my body, but don’t know how to disconnect sex from our relationship.

I was raised to believe that the two go hand-in-hand, and worry that I won’t be able to separate them the way he needs me to. It feels like giving up a piece of myself.

Gray nods in my direction as I walk through the dining room, his plate piled high with food. My guilt returns as I realize just how much he’s served himself. He’s got to be so hungry.

“Stop.” He calls out as I reach the doorway.

I turn, my lips tugging upwards into a smile as I take in the sight of him holding a fork full of scrambled eggs in my direction. He’s made his dislike for my disinterest in eating breakfast quite known these past couple of days, and with a quiet laugh I hurry over to accept the food.

My teeth clank down against the fork as he shoves the entire thing in my mouth, his eyes narrowing as he makes sure I eat it all.

“Happy?” I question as he scoops up another forkful and shovels it into my mouth.

Unsurprisingly, the food is delicious, and I happily accept what he’s giving me. The Shadows are excellent cooks, and have even managed to excel at the Human foods Gray’s been asking them to make lately.

After one more bite, Gray nods and lets me leave, his mouth full as he greedily shovels in his own forkfuls.

With a mock bow, I turn and rush out of the room in search of Silas. He’s almost always in the library in the mornings and I need him to find me some books. I can already tell by how Alex and Gray have brushed off my questions that they have no interest in explaining the baffling number of Demon women at that party, and I want answers.

There were at least a hundred there, and judging by the way none of the men were fawning over them, I’m willing to bet that seeing so many women is not an uncommon occurrence.

They aren’t struggling with female births as much as they let on, and I want to know why.

Busting through the library doors, I turn to my left in search of Silas. He’s sitting in his reading chair, and looks up with a raised brow as I hurry over to him. Things are still a bit awkward after the situation between us in Alex’s room, but thankfully he isn’t making a big deal about it.

He’s as indifferent as ever.

“I need your help finding some books.” I state, rocking back slightly on my heels as he stands.

He looks down at me with slight surprise at my request, but recovers rather quickly and slips his mask of calmness back on.

“And what books would those be?” He questions.

“Whatever you have on Demon females.”

The sudden stiffening of Silas’s body and the flexing of his hands tells me I was correct in my assumption that there’s something they aren’t telling me. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be and why they wouldn’t want me to know, but hope I’ll find the answers I need in a book.

My ability to read the Demon language is still not great, but my tutor, Rock, gave me a tablet that helps translate things. I should be able to make do with that.

Silas moves around me and walks down the first aisle, his back stiff as he searches over the titles.

“What are you looking to find in there?” He probes, his voice deceptively calm as he reaches out and pulls a couple off the shelves. “They aren’t going to be very interesting.”

“I want to learn about the female births. There were a lot of women at the party.” I admit.

Silas pauses, hesitating, before laughing. I can’t tell if it’s genuine or not as he spins and holds out the books he took off the shelf. I stare him in the eye as I step forward and grab them, silently challenging him to tell me the truth.

He doesn’t, and with a sigh I turn and rush to my office.


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