B E L L A M Y
The following weeks were quiet, but I felt myself getting more tired every day.
Fear of my returning depression kept me in a terrible mood, and I snapped at almost everyone. Maybe it was a good idea to call my therapist, see if she had some tips for me.
I really wanted to stay off medication, so maybe if I got it treated early, I would be good.
I just had to fight through this day at work.
“What’s up with you?” Kelly asked, and I felt tears behind my eyes. Oh, god. Definitely time to call my therapist.
“I feel like shit.”
Her look softened, and after she handed the only customer in the shop their coffee, she walked up to me.
“Is everything ok with you and Noah?” she questioned, and it was the first time I saw this side of her. Instead of the uninterested, blunt girl, she sounded caring. Especially when she placed a hand on my back and rubbed little circles over my shirt.
“Yeah, really good actually.” I leaned forward on the counter, trying not to faint. “Maybe I did too much, too fast, you know?”
She nodded in understanding, shifting her gaze to the large windows. “This weather certainly doesn’t help.”
I managed to force out a chuckle, looking at the pouring rain.
Though it was definitely something to get depressed from, it was also calming. A lot of people stayed home or at work, deciding on some instant coffee instead of a fresh cup and returning soaking wet, so we didn’t get a lot of customers.
“Yeah, I—oh, for fucks sake!” Drops of blood splattered on the counter, and I quickly grabbed a napkin, holding it against my nose and preventing myself from making an even bigger mess.
“Whoa, what the fuck?” Kelly exclaimed, grabbing a washcloth to wipe the counter clean, before pulling me a chair.
I sunk into it, scrunching up my nose and occasionally checking if I was still bleeding. “God, this is the second time this week.”
Kelly narrowed her eyes at me, leaning against the counter behind her with her arms crossed. “When was the last time you had your period?”
She startled me with that question, especially since I didn’t think it was anything like that.
“Uhm.” I grabbed a fresh napkin and replaced the soaked one, frowning. “Actually, it’s been a while.”
“Any chance you could be pregnant?”
I choked on my saliva, not knowing if I wanted to burst out crying or laughing. “No, we used a condom every time. I mean...we didn’t once but that’s too soon. Right?”
“You know, my dad always told me that when my mother got pregnant with me, she had occasional nosebleeds.”
“Are you trying to scare me?” I asked jokingly, but Kelly didn’t move. She kept looking at me, her expression almost concerned.
“Oh my god.” It was safe to say my nose had stopped bleeding, and the leftover blood in my face drained out of it as I started to panic. “But I’m way too young to be a mother, and what if Noah leaves? And what would my parents think? Hell, I can’t even afford—”
“Bella,” Kelly interrupted me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Maybe take a test first, then you can panic.”
I lowered my blood-soaked napkin, staring at my hands.
“I don’t have a test,” I said softly, slowly looking up to Kelly.
She cocked her head to the side, looking around the shop. “I’ll get you one, if you think you’ll manage on your own?”
I could cry from relief, and nodded quickly. “Yes, thank you.”
Staring at the stick in the bathroom at work twenty minutes later, I nervously chewed on the inside of my cheek as I waited.
What would I do if it was positive? Was I too late for an abortion? Did I even want an abortion? And what would Noah say?
“Deep breaths, Bella,” Kelly yelled from the other side of the door, and I straightened up with a sigh.
The timer on my phone went off, and I grabbed the test, ready to turn it over and discover what direction my life would go in from now on.
This was it.
With one eye closed, I flipped the stick, gasping when I saw two lines.
Still keeping my eyes on the result—not quite believing it yet—I walked out of the bathroom, almost bumping into Kelly.
“And?” she asked eagerly, surprising me with the hopeful expression she was sporting.
“I’m...” I couldn’t quite get the words out, so I just showed her the stick.
She squealed, wrapping her arms around me, hugging me tightly. “I’m going to be an aunt!”
I couldn’t quite laugh about it yet, the knowledge that I had a tiny human growing inside me gave me mixed feelings. But what I feared most, was Noah’s reaction.
Would this be enough for him to leave? Or would he get mad?
“You’re not happy?” Kelly asked, holding me at arms-length.
“I...” I swallowed hard, my eyes getting watery. “I don’t...”
“Bella,” Kelly interrupted, looking over her shoulder to the entrance of the shop when the door opened. “I’ll manage, go home and just think about it for a second.”
I blinked away tears, brushing my hair out of my face. “But—”
“Just do it,” she pressed, and I slowly turned, untying my apron and grabbing my bag.
I used the walk home to overthink, almost every scenario of Noah finding out flashing through my head.
Oh, god. What would my mother say? And my dad? And Isaac had just found out about Noah and me—whatever the fuck we were.
I wasn’t married, I didn’t have my own home, and I wasn’t earning a stable income. Jesus, there wasn’t a worse time to get knocked up.
The thoughts still swirled in my head when I came home, and even when we sat down for dinner that night. My mind was constantly working, overthinking, and worrying, to a point where I was utterly exhausted.
“Are you ok, Bella?” Isaac asked as I stared at my soup, swirling my spoon around in my bowl. My appetite was gone, and this soup especially made me nearly throw up.
“Hmm?” My head shot up and I took a deep breath, avoiding Noah as he furrowed his brows at me.
“What’s wrong?” he questioned, placing his spoon down on the table.
I shot Noah a quick look but immediately looked away again, feeling like I was lying to everyone.
“I just don’t feel good,” I replied, deciding on telling half of the truth.
Isaac nodded, nudging his head in the direction of the stairs. “Why don’t you go and have a nice, warm shower? Get an early night?”
His caring tone almost made me cry, and I was truly grateful for having such an amazing brother. “If that’s ok.”
Noah didn’t say anything, and Isaac nodded. “Sure, Mom and Dad were supposed to come for dinner tomorrow but I could—”
“No, that’s alright.” I gave him a weak smile, rising from my seat and quickly turning to the stairs.
The warm shower did wonders for the nausea and lightheadedness, but once I laid in my soft, comfortable bed, I truly felt way better.
Maybe a good night’s sleep was all I needed.
But of course, I remained wide awake for several hours. I tossed and turned, listened to music, put on a pair of fuzzy socks to make sure I wasn’t getting cold, but it didn’t help.
I jumped when my door opened, and when I saw Noah sneak into my room, tears started to stream down my face.
God, I was such a pussy.
“Bellamy?” he whispered, closing my door behind him and tiptoeing to my bed.
He slid under the covers with me, and I snuggled up against his chest, letting the tears flow.
Was this the time to tell him?
I decided against it, closing my eyes and just enjoying his warmth as my eyes finally got heavy.
He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me even closer, and as he softly brushed his hand through my hair, I quickly fell into a deep sleep.