I woke up in a familiar room. A familiar bed. A familiar house. But the one thing that made it home was gone. Gone forever all because of me. I should have saved him. I should have fought for him to stay. I should have dropped him off at Tino’s and then picked him up once we were done. I should have done so many things but none of it mattered.
My baby brother was gone.
I rolled over in my bed and found it empty. I had come up the stairs like a zombie after I had gotten back from the hospital. Nothing came into the shell that had become my body. Nothing stuck or stayed. Nothing mattered. Gio had followed me and when I got to my door, he touched my shoulder and I yanked away from him.
“Leave me alone, Gio. I need space from your bullshit right now,” I hissed with such hate in my voice he winced. I slammed the door in his face and went to the bathroom and got in the shower fully clothed. I turned skin boiling water on and sat there trying to feel something.
Now that I looked at the empty spot however, I craved for his slightly smaller body to be against mine. I craved to touch him and hold him. I craved that kiss we never shared. I craved him but I couldn’t go to him. He would only make the pain worst.
I sat up in bed and put my face in my hands. Tommy wouldn’t want me to be like this, but isn’t that such a fuckin cliché? The person that can no longer tell you anything presumably wants you to be happy without them. What-the mother fucking-ever.
I got out of the bed and slowly opened my door. I walked down the hall to the door with a ‘Beware of Zombies’ sign on the door and slowly pried it open. My heart sped up as I took my fist step over the threshold.
His clothes were fucking everywhere. On the floor, on the bed, on the chairs, on the damn ceiling fan. He was such a slob it was funny. I kicked a cup out of my way and made my path toward his bed by kicking random crap away from my feet. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were actually zombies in here.
I sat down on his water bed and laughed at the memory of when he first got it. He jumped on it with his brown curls bouncing up and down as his body made fluid motions. He had the biggest smile on his face as he moaned in pleasure. That beautiful smile was like a hundred bucks. No it was fucking priceless.
That smile I could never see again.
“Tommy,” I whispered as tears formed. “Baby brother, I let you down. All you said to me was that you trusted me and you knew I would protect you and now you’re gone. You’re gone forever.” I laid down on the squishy bed and imagined what he felt like when he laid here every night.
Did he dream of the life or did he dream of having another? Did he dream about running away to join the circus or did he dream of becoming a doctor? Did he pray every night like I once had or did he sit there staring at the ceiling waiting for the answers to come to him?
What was my baby brother really like on the inside?
It was too late to ever find out.
I jerked up and a lamp that had been placed beside his bed smashed on the floor making a vision of a bullet flying past my head come into my mind. I jumped off of the bed and covered my ears as the assault happened all over again.
“Tommy! Tommy!” I screamed so loud but the bullets shattering the earth around me were just too loud for him to hear me. I wish he could just hear me. Why can’t he hear me!?
I grabbed the shelf next to his bed and threw it across the room. The crack in the plaster made the bullets louder and I just wanted it to stop. I grabbed everything in my premises and threw it as far as I could I grabbed the gun under his pillow and shot the water bed over and over until the water came out just like Tommy’s blood had. I shot the T.V. next because in it I saw the monster I was becoming.
“Vin?” Gio’s voice made me jump and point the gun at him as I shook. I couldn’t stay still. I couldn’t think. The bullets were so loud. Why are they so loud?
“Why are they so loud, Gio!?” I screamed. He looked scared but still took a step toward me. I held the gun back up but he didn’t stop coming closer. “They’re so fucking loud!”
That was the only sound I could hear.
I felt Gio’s hand touch my bicep and I flinched away. He caused this! He caused it all! If he never came here, the boys and I would have never been forced to go through with that. We would have had more time. I would have Tommy.
“It’s all your fault!” I hissed and pointed the gun right at his heart. He froze finally and gave me a pleading look.
“Vin, you know that’s not true,” he reasoned. “I didn’t shoot him and neither did-“
“Shut up! You did it! You did it! You had to come here and mess everything up. Mess with my school, my family, my boys, and my heart! You mess up everything you touch! You messed me up! You killed Tommy!” Tears filled his eyes but he turned so I wouldn’t see.
“I didn’t want to come here, Vincent. I didn’t want to take your school. I didn’t want Tommy to die. I didn’t want to mess with your boys. I didn’t want your fucking heart! I didn’t want any of it!” he screamed. “I didn’t want any of you or your touches or your bites or your smiles or your winks or your smirks! I didn’t want anything from you! I never did but I couldn’t help it! I couldn’t help that every time I looked at you my heart sped up. I couldn’t help that when you brushed against me I wanted to grab your face and kiss you. I couldn’t help the way I felt when you protected me from my pops.” He was crying so hard by now. “And I can’t help that I am so, unexplainably, uncontainably, madly in love with you.”
I dropped the gun on the floor and closed my eyes. He doesn’t mean it. He just wants you to trust him so he can take more away from you. He doesn’t love you Vinnie. Whoever could? Your own pops hates you. What makes you think Gio is any different?
“You’re a liar,” I said and opened my eyes. He started at me with a face that was mixed with disbelief and anger. His fist clenched at his sides and then suddenly I was on the floor with his hand on my throat.
“You listen to me and you fucking listen good!” he yelled. “I am in love with you and no matter how hard you push me away, Vincent Alexandria Mussolini, I am never going to let you go. Ever. Now get that through your thick skull you worthless piece of shit!”
I grabbed at his hand but he just pressed in harder. Why is he doing this? Maybe he can take the pain away. Maybe he can finish me off and I can be with Tommy again.
“Kill me,” I whispered and closed my eyes, welcoming the death. Instead all I got was a slap across my face.
“Screw you, Vincent!” he screeched and then got off of me. He started to walk away but it made my heart hurt. I am like one big game of fucking tug-of-war. I want him- then I don’t. I hate him- and then I love him. I miss him- but I can’t stand the sight of him.
“Don’t go!” I shouted without thinking. “Please, don’t leave me.”
He turned around so fast I barely saw what he was doing before he grabbed the back of my neck and slammed my mouth down to his. His chest was pumping angrily against mine but that only made me want him more. I needed angry. I need this.
I pushed us back until his back hit the wall and then forced my tongue into his mouth. He moaned and dug his nails into the back of my neck. He tasted so much better than I could ever fucking hope. It was so masculine but somehow still delicious in every way.
Our tongues danced together like they had been together for years instead of mere moments. When he finally realized I wasn’t giving up on dominating the kiss, he stopped trying and instead sucked on my tongue while turning his head to just the right angle causing a groan to escape me.
“Your room,” he said and I nodded, picking him up and capturing his lips again as he wrapped his legs around me. I had to admit that he was not exactly light but still wasn’t overly heavy. As soon as we were in my room and the door was closed and locked, Gio dropped out of my arms and stared at me with shining eyes.
“What?” I whispered.
“We finally kissed without a disruption,” he said softly. I cupped his face and pecked his mouth because damn his lips were addicting. He moaned yet still pushed me away. “Do you really think it is my fault?”
I stilled at his words but still thought hard about my answer. Did I really think he was responsible? No…he had done nothing. His pops pushed him into my life and yet it still wasn’t his fault either. It was the people we busted. It was the people who had shot at us.
“No,” I finally whispered. “Nothing’s your fault.” I cupped his face and he bit his lip before looking directly at mine. I smirked against my best intentions to stay sad. He just had that kind of effect on me.
“Ya know,” I started. “If you wanna kiss me you can just do it, right?” He smiled and threw himself at me with his lips finding my own. I put my hands at the small of his back and then let them slide down to cup his sweet ass before starting to back us up. I pushed him down on the bed and he smiled as I came down on top of him.
“‘Don’t lose that sparkle in your eyes. It’s there when you are with him. Don’t let it go.’”
My brother’s words repeated in my head and I found myself almost in tears again as I looked down at the boy who gave me my sparkle back. He had given me what I had thought was lost for so long. What I believed died along with my childhood.
“I love you,” I said so suddenly he jumped. His eyes stayed wide as I leaned down and kissed the spot on his neck that always made him moan. “I love you so much.”
His hands finally caught up to his brain and he started to pull my shirt off. I sat up and let him discard mine and then his. I lifted his hips up off of the bed and yanked his pants down and he yelped and yanked them back up.
“No way bambino!” he yelled. I couldn’t help but snicker at his wide-eyed expression.
“What’s the matter, baby?” I asked with an innocent smile.
He scuffed. “You get my pants off and I know what happens next. I am not some stupid girl! You can calm the fuck down and let me-“ I shut him by grabbing his member and squeezing hard. He gasped and thrust forward while arching his back off the bed like acrobatic.
“Someone’s sensitive,” I said into his neck. He muttered a curse.
I felt bad deep within myself for laughing and joking around like this when my little brother was laying on a metal slab somewhere, waiting to be gutted and buried. I wanted to stop but the look in Gio’s eyes made me want to keep going. I was just a bucket of fucking paradoxes and oxymorons.
“Hey,” Gio whispered. “I was just kidding. I would love if you took my pants off.” I laughed sadly and held him against me not making a move toward his pants. I just wanted to feel him. To hold him. To make sure he was real.
“Yeah when I said I would love you to, I actually meant I demand you to,” he said. “I am kinda getting turned on with you breathing on my nipple.” I looked over at the nipple I had been unintentional blowing air on and smirked.
“You want me to breathe on it?” I asked as my fingers danced across his abdomen up to his pectoral area. I pinched his nipple, making his back arch again. “Or do you want me to pinch it?” I let my tongue slide across it. “Or lick it?” I bit down on it and that had him writhing beneath me, begging me to stop but never stop. “I think you like biting.”
“Just kiss me,” he begged as he lifted my head up. I kissed his lips softly at first but he would have none of that. He yanked my hair making me gasp and then drove his tongue into my mouth. I groaned and felt my hips shift against his erection.
I managed to get away from his mouth and dipped my face down into his neck, biting and kissing all over the tender flesh until he was moaning uncontrollably. “I want you so bad, Giovanni,” I whispered into his ear before taking the lobe in between my teeth and then sucking on it sensually. “But you don’t want me-“
“Fuck. Me. Now.” Was all he said before I was pushed beneath him with my pants being pulled off along with my boxers. I watched as he tilted his head to the side while staring at my favorite part of me and became self-conscious so I covered it up with my hand.
“It’s not going to bite you,” I said awkwardly.
“I was trying to figure out how that is going to fit inside of me,” he answered with a blush creeping up his face. My dick jumped at his words. I used my feet to knock him over on top of me and then pushed him beneath me. I quickly got rid of his pants and then licked my lips out of a nervous habit.
“So what do we do?” he asked quietly.
“I uh- well- um- hmm,” I stuttered. I looked down at his hard cock and then leaned forward. I kneeled at the side of the bed and he leaned up so he could see what I was doing. I bit my lip before taking ahold of him.
“Fuck,” he cursed. “Toccami amante.” I smiled. Touch me lover. I could get used to him talking like that.
I looked at the swollen tip before outstretching my tongue and sliding it up his shaft. He hissed and I licked my lips, trying to find out if I liked the flavor. It was a weird taste but definitely not disgusting. I took the head into my mouth and then ripped it out when he tried to touch my brain by thrusting into my mouth.
“What the fuck!?” I said.
He blushed. “I got a little carried away.”
“A little! You tried to touch my brain!”
He snickered and blew a kiss at me. I scuffed and then took him back into my mouth, determined to make him feel pleasure a some sweet revenge. I slowly sucked up and down his pulsing cock, finding that the moans and the sighs of pleasure made me want to do more for him. I began to speed up and take him deeper although my throat begged me not to.
“Fuck! Cazzo, baby! God. Just like that,” he moaned as I took him deeper, using my tongue to circle around the pulsing tip before swallowing him again. “Vincent!” His grip on my hair became painful as my speed became relentless, but I loved it. The feel of his nails in my hair had me only sucking harder so he would do the same in return.
“Vincent! Baby! Oh fuck!” he screamed as his head lolled back and he took one hand off of my hair to grip the black sheets. I wanted to tell him to shut up before my parents heard him, but I remembered them talking about funeral plans last night and saying they wouldn’t be home.
“I’m gonna- oh fuck- V-V-Vincent!” he screamed my name so loud as he came, shooting his sweet release all the way to the back of my throat. I swallowed with much struggled but still managed to stick it out. When I pulled away, he was lying flat on his back with a wide-eyed expression.
“You- you have the mouth of a fucking God, Vin,” he said as I climbed on top of him. I felt my member drag across his stomach, leaving a wet path up his hard body.
I captured his mouth with mine and he moaned into the kiss. I felt his hands go straight down to my ass and he pulled me against him in a needy way that had my dick hardening to a painful length.
“You know how you could repay me?” I asked right next to his ear. He shivered and shook his head. “You could let me into that sweet body of yours and scream my name as you cum onto me.”
“Fuck, Vin!” he whimpered. “Are sure you weren’t gay before me? I swear to god you mouth has me ready to fuck it all over again.” I groaned at his words and shook my head. I am pretty sure I would have remembered fucking a guy before this.
“I want to be inside of you, Giovanni,” I mumbled. He kissed my lips and spread his legs open so I fell right against him. He sucked in a breath and I groaned when our erections touched. I began to rub myself against him and he put his hand up by his head and arched his back.
“God, when you arch your back,” I said through clenched teeth, “ It is the sexiest goddamn thing in the world.”
“Vin,” was the throaty answer I got. I smirked and bent down to kiss him when he turned his face to the side. “Vin, I need you.” I looked around the room and then gave him a confused look. He arched his back again when my rubbing became faster. “Vin! I need you!”
“Baby, I’m right here,” I said.
He shook his head. “I need you, Vin.” I shook my head again when it finally clicked. He wanted me inside of him.
“Are you too shy to say it?” I asked with a laugh.
“Fuck you,” he said without looking at me.
“You’re kinda already doing that,” I countered. He turned a bright pink but did not answer. “I want you to say it.” I climbed off of him and reached into the drawer beside my bed and yanked out a bottle of lotion.
I’m a guy.
“I don’t wanna, baby,” he groaned. I had to admit him saying “baby” like that made me want to forget about it, but I held my ground. I needed to hear him say it because then it would become real. I needed this, right here and now, to be real.
I put some of the lotion of my fingers and then met his eyes. The green beauties were a storm of lust and love as he watched me. “Say it, Gio,” I begged in a whisper as I pushed a finger inside of his tight entrance.
He arched up again and shook his head. “Does it hurt?” I asked.
“Not as bad as being shot,” he said and I could hear the smirk. I pulled my finger out a bit and pushed it back in, making him arch again. “It feels better when you do that.” I smirked and started to thrust my finger inside of him slowly at first but when he begged me to go faster, I did.
It was kind of laugh worthy to watch him like this. He looked like he had no idea what to do with himself. He kept thrashing around, yanking at his hair, tugging on the blankets, and moaning so loud I swear China was gonna call any second now to tell us to shut the fuck up.
“More,” he moaned as sweat came down his forehead. I shoved another finger inside of him and he gasped and pushed down against me. “Fuck! I would have done this shit so long ago if I knew it felt like this.” I laughed and he flipped me off. I pushed in faster and he screamed my name before begging for another finger, which I gave him.
I thrusted my fingers inside of him over and over until at one point I hit something and he jolted off the bed like a person hit by lightning. “Cazzo, baby. Right there. Ahhh!” he screamed and thrusted down on my finger so fast it almost hurt.
“Fuck, Vincent! I need you inside of me baby. Cazzo! I need you now,” he screamed. And that, my friends, is what I have been waiting for. I jumped onto the bed like a horny dog and put myself between his legs before kissing his mouth with passion so hot I felt like I could burn a house down.
“Mmm,” he moaned as I settled my head against his tight hole.
“It’s gonna hurt,” I said and pecked his lips again.
“I know and I want it,” he said. He put his hands on my ass and pulled me against him, making the tip slowly enter him. He moaned loud and then dug his fingernails into me.
“Fuck you’re tight,” I moaned.
“Well I would hope so,” he said and I smiled, leaning down to capture his mouth. “You want it all at once or little by little?” I asked seriously.
“There is nothing little about that,” he commented. I laughed and he smirked. “Just go in for the kill, but-“ I slammed my hips into his before he could finish and he cried out while digging his nails into me and dragging them down. “not too hard,” he finished.
“I’m sorry,” I said through clenched teeth. Fuck he is tight. “Want me to pull out?”
He moved a little. “Not all the way,” he said finally. I did as he said and then pushed inside of him again. He moaned this time and I found it intoxicating. I dove my hips into his over and over again with slow, tender strokes.
“Harder,” he said sometime later and all restraints were broken. I pulled out of him, flipped him over, and thrusted inside of him hard. He gripped the sheets and screamed my name as I did it again and again.
“Fuck, Gio!” I groaned and went faster. He cried out beneath me when I hit that one spot and then started to push back against me. “I love you,” I said into his neck.
“I love-love you too! Harder, Vin. Fuck me!” he screamed. I got up on my elbows and started to slam my hips into him as hard and as fast as I could. I felt my balls grow tight as he screamed his “yes!” into the pillows.
I lifted his leg up so his knee was touching his side and got a better angle. He screamed when I hit that bundle of nerves and I grabbed onto his hair and moaned in return. I fucked him relentlessly until I could not hold it any longer.
“I-I’m fuck!” I seethed as I shot into his hot body. He moaned loud with my name falling off of his lips as he came all over my sheets. When I was too tired to hold myself up, I fell down on top of him and panted into his neck.
“Damn,” he said.
“Fucking right,” I answered.
He turned his face to the side and captured my mouth. “I love you,” he said against my mouth. “I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. I am so sorry for Tommy, baby but I don’t think he would want you trashing his room now that he is gone. He knows you as the strong Vinnie, not the one you are trying to become. Don’t become your pops, baby. Be you. For Tommy...for me.”
I hugged him against my chest and started to move my semi-erection inside of him again. “I love you so much,” I said.
He smiled, “The feeling is fucking mutual.”