"Melissa!" I hear my father's voice from the other side of the door.
I groan and look at the clock, wow! It's 6:30 am I must of lost track of time with all this thinking, but I still have 30 minutes before I actually have to get up. I take my time getting up from my little inflatable mattress, the closer we're getting to 8 am the more nervous and annoyed I'm getting, to change my mind I decide to disinflate my inflatable mattress and put it in my one box of things I'm bringing with me at my grandmother's, I didn't have much I had my my clothes, 1 photo album of when I was in foster care, my journal, and lets not forget my
inflatable mattress. I don't like change and today was a whole new beginning for me, I don't know what to expect, I'm certainly not getting my hopes up but any upgrade from this I'm sure I'll be fine.
"Melissa!" He says while banging on my door like a maniac.
"IM UP" I yell.
The loud noise of his fist meeting the wall startled me and I knew that was his way to tell me to shut up and not yell at him the way I did. He's already mad! Doesn't take him much to get mad when he doesn't have any drugs in his system. In one way I'm kind of glad my mother died because now I get a second chance out of this life with them, I get to see what's outside these walls and what I've been missing, it might sound cruel but I'm not mad or sad that my mother died, she suffered enough for too long, by first battling her demons with drugs and alcohol and then cancer, my father was no help during those time he was abusive and while she was battling her cancer he was feeding her drugs instead of helping her get clean, anyways I'm glad she's not suffering anymore but mostly because she's not around anymore, I have one less to deal with.
I spent the last few years anticipating this. I spent so much time thinking about how my life was going to change the second my mother passed away, was it going to be better, was I going to get along with my brother and grand-mother, was my father going to be his same old self or was he really going to change like he always said he was. Now that the time has come I am more than nervous, I am scared I won't like my new beginning. I wasn't like most teenagers I have no friends, I don't want any because I don't want to have to explain how my parents are, I don't want anyone to step inside my home to see the nightmare I'm living in. I never went to a friends house, birthday party, to the movies, etc… I just didn't have the opportunity, maybe that's going to change, maybe I'm going to have a really good start and I'm going to be able to live a teenager life instead of being the parent to my parents. I hate my mother and father so much for not giving me a childhood like most of the kids had, I use to see the other kids playing outside and I use to ask myself why I couldn't do the same and cried days and nights but as I grew up I learned how to numb the pain and jealousy.
The morning that my grand-mother called my father to tell him that my mother has passed in her sleep at the hospital I felt this weird feeling inside of me, I remember as if it was yesterday, it was a tight feeling in my stomach with this kind of overwhelming headache, I felt like I was going to pass out but I took a deep breath and numbed the feeling and it was like nothing happened, I became a pro at numbing my feelings over the years. My father looked at me with a face full of worry but when he saw I wasn't effected by the news his face changed and became confused, he just left it at that and went to the bathroom to do what he does best, inject his veins with heroine. I remember at my mothers funeral, her best friend started screaming at me and lunged at me because when they were putting my mother's casket in the ground I was talking with my father, instead of crying. A lot of times I iust wondered how it felt to snort cocaine or inject my veins with heroine, I wondered why did they love it so much, it was right in front of me my whole life but something, I don't know what it is exactly but that thing always stops me but this time around I didn't let it stop me. As my father closed the bathroom door I walked to the kitchen table where my fathers little grey baggie was with cocaine inside, I opened the baggie put the powder on the table, created a small line on the table with a business card just like my mother and father would, took the little blue straw put it to my nose and snorted the white line, it kinda burned, made my nose hurt. I remember I instantly didn't like the high but loved it at the same time, it made me feel weird and not like myself, it felt like I was escaping my body, my mind, at this very moment I asked myself "why?", "why did I give in to the urge?", "why did I do that?", "why do my parents love this so much?", "why did my parents always chose this feeling over loving me?", but most importantly "why would I do this again?". I didn't understand I became really confused as why did I want more when I hated the feeling. I was frustrated, I took the baggie threw it in the garbage and just wiped the rest of the cocaine off the table with the back of my hand.
I have mixed feelings about going to live with my grand-mother but I know it's for the best, I'm not getting my hopes up for an amazing new start but I know it's going to be better then this life. It's 100 percent going to be a weird change living with my brother and grand-mother that I barely know with my father, it could be amazing or could be a disaster. One or the other.
The moment I open the bedroom door I hear two voices coming from the kitchen, one was my father's voice and the other voice I don't recognize. I was trying to listen to what they were saying but I can't make out what they're saying because they're whispering, I decide to step in the kitchen as I walk in they stop completely talking and they're both looking at me, my father and my grand-mother. She automatically starts crying and comes my way to hug me. I didn't even hug her back I honestly feel uncomfortable, like how sad is it that I don't even know
my own grand-mother voice, and how sad is it that it took my mother's death for her to acknowledge me. I didn't like this moment, I just look at my father with these eyes that's asking him to get me out of this hug.
"Melissa, this is your grand-mother!, your mother's mother" he said. As she stepped away from the hug.
"You've grown up so much, you look so much like your mother but you are you fathers daughter" she says.
While holding my hands in front of her. I'm just standing here quite, I don't know what to say. A flow of anger and sadness rushed threw me, Im so angry. I don't know this women and she is my grand-mother, not to make my father mad I smile and nod ignoring what Im feeling inside, I feel my cheeks getting hot and I know my face is turning red just by the way he's looking at me with his eyes wide open with fury. As she let's go of my hands I step back, still with a smile on my face, by taking a step back I was avoiding any further touchy interaction with her. As her and my father continues to talk about what's going in the car and what's being left behind in the apartment, I was just wondering to myself since when do these two get along, every time they have spoken on the phone in the past it was constant yelling. I never knew that it was possible for these two to have a civilized conversation. My father ends the conversation by going to pick up the stuff that we're taking with us and goes to put it in the truck of my grand-mother's car, leaving me alone with her.
"How are you feeling these days Melissa? How are you handling all of this?" She asked. Handling all of this! Is she serious?, obviously she has no clue what I went threw these last 13 years for her to even ask that, if she knew what I really went through she would know that this is a piece of cake, but I decided to not even go there with her.
"Good, I guess" I said while looking at the wall.
"Ohh darling, you don't have to pretend your okay with me!" She says with a saddened tone.
"I'm not pretending" I respond with a bit of an aggressive and annoyed tone.
"Alright darling, did you get to say goodbye to your friends?" She asked.
"No, I don't have any friends" I answered.
"You must have some friends, it's impossible that you don't even have one friend" she said with confusion.
"Why would I lie about having no friends?, that's one of the stupidest things to lie about!" I answered with a much higher tone then I expected. She just looked at me with this shocked face.
"All done" my father says after finishing, saving me from this odd and annoying conversation That I don't want to have with her.
I focus my attention on my father as he asked me if I was ready to leave, I nodded and made my way out the front door. As I go outside and walk to the packed car I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, I want it to go away it feels as if my stomach has turned upside down. I open the door of the car and take a seat, next to me there's a couple of garbage bags that didn't fit inside the truck. I'm thinking to myself of how annoyed I am I have to be in a car for 2 hours with this women and this man, I just wish I could forget and be in my own world, exactly like how I felt when I did that line of coke. I shake my head, trying to get that thought of my head. It worked. As we drive, it hits me hard that for real I’m starting a new start to my life, and, unexpectedly, this question is dominating my thoughts which is: Will I be able to be a normal teenager? Be able to love? Be able to trust?