I stocked each of the guest rooms with all the necessary amenities: an alarm clock, TV, dresser, bed, blankets, curtains, and anything else to help guests feel at home. I used them, at times, when I needed an escape from my husband – such as that night.
The only sound coming from the room was the very loud TV, which I made sure was up all the way. Crawling into the closet, closing the door, I sat on the beanbag chair. It was my hiding place and I wanted it to be comfortable. Taking out my cell phone, I called the one person who would understand.
She answered after three rings. “What’s up?” I could tell she was chewing something. “Good Lord! Where are you? It sounds like you’re in a stadium or somethin’.”
Opening the door, I turned the volume down a bit before closing it again. “Are ya busy?” I tried to hide it, but it was obvious I was crying.
“What’s wrong? Did that asshole do somethin’ to you?”
“I tried to salvage what little marriage I have left anymore. I tried talkin’ to him about a baby.”
“Oh sweetie, what happened?”
“He told me to go an’ adopt one if I wanted it so bad. He even told me to go buy one! I didn’t think that was possible. He told me to get a fuckin’ puppy since I had so much time on my hands! Is it so bad to wanna have a baby?”
“No, honey. It’s not.”
“It’s been ten fuckin’ years! I think I’ve been plenty patient! He promised me a houseful of children. Now he gets pissed when I talk about havin’ one?”
“So, what do ya wanna do?”
“I want my child from my flesh an’ blood. I thought Mike wanted one too. I thought he was gonna be the other half of my child. I’m not expectin’ that anymore because it’s obviously not gonna happen.” There was a pause. I sniffed, cried, and Tania remained silent. After a few minutes, I wondered if she’d fallen asleep or choked on something. “Ya still there?”
“Soooo…” she paused for a breath. “Ya wanna find a donor then?”
I breathed in, holding it as if that would help. Thinking about it was one thing, but saying it made it so final… so definite. Opening the door, I snagged the Kleenexes off the top of the dresser, pulling them into my hiding place. Blowing my nose, I thought of nothing but her question.
Did I want to find a donor?
It was then that I realized that Mike sealed the deal and desperation was writing out the contract for my soul. I knew I was going to go through with this crazy plan of hers. I’d been pushed into a corner with no other option.
It still hurt! I loved my husband, but I really wanted a baby. I wanted him to be the father, but he’d already canceled that plan as well. The only way for me to get my own flesh and blood baby was to follow through with her crazy plan.
I nodded. It was set in stone. “Yes. I’ll see ya tomorrow. I love you.” I hung up the phone without another word and climbed out of the closet and into the bed. After setting the alarm, I cried for hours. I knew I wasn’t going to get much sleep.
Mike tried to get me to open the door a few times. Maybe he felt guilty about our argument, or maybe he didn’t want to sleep alone. I don’t know, but I wasn’t buying any of it. I was so angry with him that I didn’t trust myself to sleep in the same bed; he wouldn’t wake up in the morning.
He still pleaded. “Honey, open the door, please.”
All he heard was crying softly and me blowing my nose.
“Please come back to bed and be reasonable about this.”
I didn’t budge nor would I open the door. I ignored him.
“I love you.”
I gave him nothing but silence as a reply. He hurt me more than I cared to tell him. He didn’t deserve a response.