One thing the doctors never tell you, is the more money you have, the faster they see you. When they found out it was me, they scheduled me right away.
Money talks… it’s true.
I made sure everything was taken care of and headed out to my appointment. On the drive, I sounded like a crazy person, arguing with myself over it. I tried convincing myself that it was food poisoning, but I was anxious to find out if I was pregnant.
“Hey there Elyse, how are you doing?” The receptionist knew me there. She was a little old lady that looked like she was someone’s grandmother.
Signing in, I smiled at her. “I’m doin’ good, but I really have to pee. Do ya need me to pee in a cup? I can go ahead an’ get that outta the way right now.”
“Normally, we ask for morning specimen, but let’s check on the safe side.” She turned around, opening one of the drawers, rifling her hand around it for a few minutes. “Oh, bully. Someone forgot to stock the cups. I’ll be just a moment.”
“Okay that’s fine, but hurry or you’re gonna have to sop it up off the floor.”
She laughed. “I’m hurrying, dear.”
I found it interesting how everyone laughed at my discomfort. I tried not to pee all over myself. I had my legs crossed and I was holding my breath. When she returned with a cup, I grabbed it, looking down the hall. “Which bathroom do I use?”
“Well… there are directions for you. We need a clean catch. That means, we need you to pee a little in the toilet. Then the rest of it goes in the cup. You need to make sure it’s to the line, at least. Otherwise it will be no good to me.”
“Okay… which bathroom?”
“You can use the one down the hall on the right.”
I ran down the hall. I passed an elderly woman headed to the bathroom. Closing the door, I barely made it to the toilet. I filled that cup! When I finished, I capped the cup, washed my hands, and then exited. The elderly woman that I practically barreled down, glared at me as she leaned against the wall.
I smiled an apology. Handing the cup to the receptionist, I followed her to a room in the back. Taking a seat, I waited. That wasn’t going to work because I was way too nervous to sit, so I paced back and forth. I heard the doctor going in and out of the other rooms and groaned. Finally, I sat in the chair, picking up one of the parenting magazines.
Flipping through the pages, I finally found one that looked interesting. It was called Horror Stories in the Birthing Room. I don’t suggest mothers-to-be read this. It was horrible! Just as I was nearing the climax of the story, the doctor chose to come in the room. As much as I wanted to finish this article, I really wanted to know what was going on more, do I put the magazine down.
Dr. Lerner was my general practitioner for years. He was tall, thin, and lanky with a beard. He had the bluest eyes and was a very nice man. “Hello Elyse, how are you doing?”
“Other than this stomach thin’ I got goin’ on… I have to pee more an’ this mornin’, I puked my guts up. I can’t keep anythin’ down, can’t drink water or eat any food, but it doesn’t matter. I still pee like I drank a gallon of tea.”
“That usually happens when the rabbit dies, congratulations!”
What does that mean? I know, right? I had the same look on my face.
Arching a brow, I looked at him, tilting my head to the side like a puppy being given a new command. “The rabbit died? Was it a pet of yours? I’m so sorry!” Then something he said dawned on me. “Wait! Why are ya congratulatin’ me? I didn’t kill it! I wouldn’t think you’d celebrate unless of course you’re gonna eat it. I know people claim it taste like chicken, but I’ll just have the chicken, if that’s the case.”
He laughed, shaking his head. “It means you’re pregnant!”
I stared at him in shock. Could it be true?
“Are ya sure?”
“I’m pretty sure.”
“I’m… gonna have… a baby?”
“That’s what it means.”
“…a real life human baby with ten fingers an’ toes?” I was in a state of mixed emotions. There was a little confusion, happiness, shock, and excitement.
“Usually that’s how they come out.” He laughed before writing out a prescription. “I’m giving you prenatal vitamins. I want you to come see me in three months. After that, you’ll see me once a month, and then when you get closer, every week.
It took a little bit for the shock to wear off. I just stared at him as if he were the Oz, granting me my wish. When it did, you couldn’t keep the smile off my face. I had to be dreaming! I couldn’t believe I was pregnant. “Okay.”
“I need you to sign a contract, but with as much insurance as you have, that won’t be a problem. If you have any troubles, or any pains, or if anything out of the ordinary happens, do not hesitate to call me.”
There were tears streaming down my cheeks at this point. The shock was totally gone. I finally believed him and didn’t think this was some dirty, rotten, practical joke everyone was playing on me! Happiness filled my heart and I thanked God, over and over.
It was as if I was floating on a cloud, or higher than a kite. “I’m gonna have a baby.”
He smiled. “I know you are! You have to eat three meals a day and two snacks at least. If that’s not possible, nibble about eight times a day.”
“I haven’t been able to eat anythin’. I take a sip of water an’ throw it back up again. Is that normal? Does that mean there’s somethin’ wrong with the baby?”
“It’s normal. You’re experiencing morning sickness, which happens in the first trimester. It should pass, but until it does, eat things that are light on your stomach. If you feel yourself getting hungry, then eat. Don’t worry about weight gain. I’ll let you know if you’re gaining too much. When women are pregnant, they crave odd things, so be warned if you do, and don’t eat things such as laundry detergent and dirt.”
“Ew, some women crave that?”
“Yes, and many other non-edible things.”
“Were they pregnant with aliens?”
He laughed. “No. Some women just have strange cravings.” He took out a little circular thingy. “Now, from when you said your last menstrual was…” He turned the little circles. “Your baby should be born, give or take a few days or weeks, March 17, 2011.”
I laughed. “Wow, you can tell that?”
“Yes, and by this, I can see you’re about… fourteen weeks pregnant, right now.” He reached into his drawer, pulling out a pamphlet. “You’re in your second trimester. Your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck on his or her thumb.”
“It’s about the size of a lemon, measuring out about three and a half inches. You should be getting back your energy. Your breasts will feel less tender. Your morning sickness started late, so hopefully, you won’t experience much of that.”
“The size of a lemon? Aw, that’s so cute!”
“Lie back and let’s see how you’re progressing.” I laid back on the mat and he poked around on my belly. “Oh, I see a little bit of a baby bump.”
“Is that what that is? I just thought I was puttin’ on weight.”
“Nope, that’s your baby.” Taking off his plastic gloves, he helped me sit back up again. “That’s it. I want to see you back here in three months.”
Sitting up, I pulled my shirt down, wiping my eyes. Taking the prescription in my hand, I hugged him. I was so happy. I was pregnant. “Thank you, Dr. Lerner. Thank you so much! Thanks again! Have a great weekend!”
At the front desk, I was given many of the things that new mothers apparently get. I got my plus sign showing I was pregnant. Then I got a pamphlet for everything under the sun that involved pregnancy. Who knew there was so much involved with creating life? They even gave me coupons for diapers and formula. I was given some literature, so I could see how the baby was growing each week and what to expect. They really wanted me to know what was happening with my body.
“The doctor wants to see you again in three months. Do you want to go ahead and schedule that appointment now?”
I couldn’t stop smiling. My dreams had finally come true. I was gonna be a mommy!
“Okay. I have a few things I need you to sign.” She rifled through the mounds of papers and produced what looked like a small book. “Look through these. The big X is where you sign and the little x is where you initial. Remember, big X your signature, little x your initials.”
I took the manuscript of papers and the pen and smiled. “Thank you.”
Once all the legal stuff was taken care of, I was able to get out of there. I knew I should tell Mike, but there was one person I had to call first. After all, this was her idea, and she was the reason I was pregnant.
“Aivedal Rock Quarry, this is Tania. How may I assist you?”
“Girl, your crazy, wonderful plan worked!” I screamed into the phone excited. “I’m pregnant!”
Tania screamed with me and then shushed. “Oh shit, forgot I was at work.” She laughed. “So, what happened?”
“Well, first I had to piss so bad, I thought they were gonna have to get the sample from my legs as it dribbled down.”
“Ewwww, that’s a little too much info.”
“Oh, that’s bad.”
“Oh, then while I was waitin’, I read this article called Horror stories in the birthin’ room.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I did. I’d advice first time mothers not to read that, but I did anyway. I read how one woman was havin’ natural childbirth an’ planned on gettin’ her tubes tied after, so they told her to get an epidural. It took seven tries to put the needle in her back an’ they told how long that sucker was.”
“Wow, I hope not all mothers go through that.”
“I know, right? Then the doctor came in an’ told me the rabbit died, though I didn’t understand why he was congratulatin’ me… I didn’t kill the damn thing. Then he told me I’m pregnant!”
She giggled. “Oh honey, I’m so happy for you! I’m happy for me too. I’m gonna be an aunt!”
“Yes, you are an’ I owe it all to you.”
“Well, not all… Oh, stop. You’d do the same thing for me an’ ya know it, but if I don’t get back to work, they’re gonna fire me. I’ll call ya later.”
“Okay, love you Tee-Tee.”
“You haven’t called me that in years. I love you too, Lyse.”