A few weeks later...
“Mike. Mike, get up. I think it’s time.” Pain hit my stomach so hard I thought someone had stabbed me. I punched him in his back. I felt a warm gush between my legs. Quickly, I grabbed the covers, checking to make sure I wasn’t bleeding. I didn’t see anything red. It was time! “I think my water just broke.”
Me punching, pushing, and yelling at him didn’t wake him. As soon as my water broke and his backside was wet, he jumped out of bed. “What? Huh?” He sat up, looking down. “Did you piss the bed?” He grabbed a towel, laying it down on his side. “Ugh. Honey, why would you piss the bed? Did you have a bad dream?”
I growled at him. I never wanted to hit him more than I did right then and there. I put my hand on my stomach, breathing deeply as another contraction hit me. Groaning, I struggled in the bed, clutching my stomach. “It’s my water. It broke. I think it’s time. The baby is comin’.” I pushed off the bed, growling again. “It’s time.”
“Sleep in your clothes, they said. It will save time, they said.” He ripped off his clothing and quickly put on dry ones.
“I’m so happy you’re amused,” I growled again, standing, and walking to the dresser. I had to get dressed. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Maybe Corey was an alien and this kid knew of a new exit path. It sure felt like it.
“I’m not amused it’s just…” He shook his head. “It’s not important. Let’s go meet our son, shall we?”
“Take my stuff to the car. I’m gonna get dressed.”
“Okay, but I think we’ll take your car since you’re… leaking,” he said, grabbing my bags and racing downstairs.
“Yes, because God forbid we get water on your seats,” I growled, yelling down at him as I tried to get dressed. The pain was so intense; it was all I could do to get my robe on.
I slowly made my way down the stairs. It took a few minutes as I had to stop every few steps to hold on and breathe. I didn’t sit down because if I did, I’d never get back up again. It hurt so bad, I thought for sure my insides were going to spill out if I didn’t hold onto the bottom of my stomach.
I got to the door, watching my car racing down the driveway like a bat out of hell. Arching a brow, I merely leaned in the doorway and waited. I knew it wouldn’t take him long to realize that he forgot me. He wasn’t going to get far without me unless he had a magic act he didn’t tell me about. “Five… four… three…”
I miscalculated. It was then I saw the brake lights come on and the car skidded to a stop. The backup lights appeared and the car backed all the way to where I stood. Jumping out of the car, he raced over to me.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Ya left me here. What were ya gonna do when ya got to the hospital?”
“I didn’t leave you. I was making sure the car could go top speeds.” He took my arm, helping me to the passenger side. “We’re good. The car is primed.”
“Uh-huh, car primed. I don’t believe you, but I’m happy ya realized I wasn’t in the car before ya got too far away.”
“Yes, dear.” He buckled me in, closed the door, and then raced back around to the driver’s side. He hopped in, putting the car in gear, and raced back down the driveway.
Driving through the neighborhood was like driving through an obstacle course. One woman had just crossed the road to get to her mailbox when suddenly, we were bearing down on her. Why she was checking her mail so late was beyond me. She threw envelopes in the air and dove for the grassy knoll. As we drove by, I looked to make sure she was okay, watching her shaking her fist at us.
I screamed, grabbing my stomach with one hand and with the other I grabbed the door handle. “Are ya tryin’ to scare the kid outta me?”
He cringed. “She came out of nowhere!”
“No, it was you, Speed Racer, who came outta nowhere. Ya don’t have to drive so fast! The doctor said it could be many hours of labor.” I grabbed my stomach as that knife twisted again. I breathed in and out quickly, trying to focus on something… anything to take my mind off the pain. “Fuck it, run everyone over, just drive! Is it me or are they comin’ faster?”
“That’s why I’m speeding. Your contractions are like two minutes apart and sixty seconds long. The longer and closer together they get, the closer you are to delivery.”
“Well, listen to you, Mr. Professor on the topic. Okay, push everyone off the road then. This kid is gettin’ impatient.”
“I did one better and he should be here any minute.”
A police car got behind us with lights flashing and the siren blasting. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Ya planned to get pulled over? Oh, that’s gonna slow things down.”
The police car went around us. The officer waved, speeding up, and then got in front of us. “Nope, I called Frank to come give us an escort.”
“Yeah, he’s a buddy of mine at the Country Club. We played golf the other day. I told him I might need an escort to the hospital soon. He volunteered.”
“Well tell him to hurry. God, why does it hurt so much?”
“Well, from what I read the baby is–”
“It was a rhetorical question!” I yelled. I had already grown tired of his Google ass. The more pain I felt, the angrier I got, and the more annoyed he made me. No one likes a know-it-all, especially when in pain.
“A question usually deserves an answer. I read everything I could find on childbirth and delivery so I’d be ready.”
“Good for you. Now, worry about drivin’ an’ not killin’ anyone.” The pain hit me so hard, I swore the baby was trying to eat his way out. “I’ve changed my mind! I don’t wanna go through this! I swear he’s just gonna rip my stomach open like that thing in Alien.”
“You didn’t think it was going to hurt?” He smiled, leaning over to pat my hand. “I think most women say that. However, it’s too late and it won’t be that bad. Just think… soon, we’ll be holding our son in our arms.”
“Ya know, it’s real damn easy for you to say it won’t be that bad. You’re not the one goin’ through this shit! Stop touchin’ me! You’re always fuckin’ touchin’ me.” He pulled his hand back and I snatched it back to my side, whimpering. “Don’t let go, please, make the pain stop.”
“I would if I could, honey. If I could have this baby, I would.”
I pushed his hand away, growling. “No, you wouldn’t because you’re selfish! It’s always about you. Everything’s always about whether or not you want something.”
He sighed. “Talk about bi-polar queen. There’s no winning with you right now.”
“Everythin’ doesn’t have to be about winnin’, ya know.” I groaned, grabbing his hand again. “I’m sorry. Ignore me. I’m in a lotta pain.”
“Okay. I’ll ignore you right now.”
Once more I pushed his hand away. “Right now? You always ignore me so why would now be any damn different?”
He was right. There was no winning with me, at least not for him. He put me in this pain. He did this to me. Not literally, figuratively speaking, but it was because of him. He pulled into the hospital and raced in through the Emergency section. I stayed in the car. I had opened the door and tried to get out when he returned with a wheelchair. He helped me out and I sat down.
He wheeled me inside, giving a wave to Frank. “My wife is having a baby!” He yelled to the whole Emergency room waiting area.
The waiting room was packed. There were people bleeding, there was a car accident, and there were a few kids coughing. They all looked real thrilled that someone was taking precedent over their current issues.
I hid my eyes with my hand, shaking my head. “Must you be so embarrassin’?”
The nurse rushed over, smiling. “Elyse, good to see you looking so fit. Dr. Lerner said for you to hold on. He should be in within the next few minutes or so. My name’s Becky. Let’s get you checked into your room.”
“Thank you.” I gripped Mike’s arm. “Did ya call Mom an’ Tania?”
He smiled. “Yes, Tania said she’ll be here as soon as she gets dressed. Your mom’s halfway here. Apparently when your water broke, she woke up your dad and they headed this way. I guess I better get the guest rooms ready.”
Once more the pain ripped through my stomach and lower back, and I groaned. I tried to break his hand. I wanted him to feel a little bit of the pain I was in. I clutched my stomach. “If Dr. Lerner doesn’t hurry, he’s gonna miss the main event.”
Becky smiled, wheeling me quickly to the elevators. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon enough. Who’s going in with you?”
“My husband an’ sister.”
Mike nodded. “If anyone needs to cut the cord, I would like that job.”
That alarmed me. “Isn’t there someone more qualified that can do that?”
Becky chuckled. “Sure, but we usually allow the daddy to cut the cord.”
Well that wasn’t going to happen in this case. He was too miles away to get there on time. “Oh sure, be the self-centered ass you always are. I knew somehow you’d turn this around for you.”
“Most pregnant women turn on their husbands. They feel they’re the ones who put them through this pain, so don’t take to heart anything she says.”
He nodded. “I had a feeling it was going to be rough when we were on the way here. Talk about a bi-polar moment.”
The doors opened and Becky wheeled me to a private room. “Here we are. This is designed for you and your baby to be in the same room. That way when he cries, you can tend to him, unless you’d rather the nurses do it.”
I shook my head. “Oh no, I wanna do it.”
“Are you going to be staying over as well?” Becky asked Mike.
“I would love to!” He smiled. “Am I allowed?”
“Yes. We feel this is the best bonding time for the parents and the baby. We’ll bring in a cot for you. Will you be breastfeeding?”
“I would, but my breasts didn’t get big enough from all the ice cream I ate,” he teased.
Becky laughed. “Oh, well I meant the mother.” She winked at him.
I couldn’t believe what was happening. They were flirting with each other right in front of me! Becky was this cute little blonde with the tight body and I knew Mike was hitting on her. It ripped right through me.
“Ya know if you two wanna take this flirtin’ session in another room, I can go on without ya… either of you.”
Mike leaned down, kissing my forehead. “Hush you.”
“Are ya linin’ up your next wife?”
Yes, I was being ridiculous, but I was in pain and I hated him at that moment. I hated him for many reasons. I knew that he wasn’t the one who got me pregnant. However, it was because of him that I wasn’t with the father of my baby, and I hated him for that.
“You know you’re the only woman for me. We were just making a joke.”
Becky nodded. “It’s the pain she’s under. They snap about the littlest things.”
I was ready to kick Becky’s ass. “Don’t talk about me like I’m not sittin’ right the fuck here!”
She nodded, helping me in the bed. “Yes, you are. We couldn’t do this without you. Let’s get you strapped in.”
“Strapped in?” I looked around alarmed. Strapped in just sounded too dungeon-like for me. Why were they going to strap me to the bed? I had a million and one thoughts running through my head, none of them pretty.
She took out the heart monitor, turning it on, connecting it to my stomach. Moving it around, she stopped when the sound of Logan’s strong drumming filled the room. “Yes. We get you strapped in for the fetal monitor and the contraction monitor. It will help us make sure your baby isn’t under any stress during the contractions.” She looped it around my belly and under my back.
Dr. Lerner entered the room. “I knew you were going to be my trouble patient, calling me in the middle of the night.” He winked. “How are we doing?”
“We are very cranky,” Mike told him.
“No, he is bein’ a self-righteous asshole, flirtin’ with the nurse. I am in pain,” I corrected.
Dr. Lerner checked the paper from the contractions and the baby’s heartbeat. “Well, it seems things are progressing nicely. I’m going to go get ready. Dad, you need to get fitted for your surgical outfit.”
Tania rushed in. “I’m here!”
He smiled at her. “Aw, just in time to get fitted for the latest in hospital fashion.”
“Sometimes these things drag out. Other times, the baby is ready to meet his or her parents. Oh wait, I’m sorry, his parents.”
Tania and Mike were escorted out as I was prepped for childbirth. My feet were placed in the stirrups, and the bed lifted so I was in the sitting position. There was a mirror in front of my hoo-ha so I could witness the magic of birth. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see that. It was one thing to know why I was in pain. It was another to see it.
“Okay, we’re going to give you the epidural so you don’t feel so much pain.”
Another contraction hit me and I groaned. “Well, you’re a little late for that. Can’t ya just cut the baby out?”
He shook his head. “Not unless there are complications. The board frowns on unnecessarily cutting up people. They call us butchers when we do that. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” He motioned to the male nurse in the room. “Let’s get her started on an epidural right away.” He looked down at me. “You’re not the only one going into labor right now. I’ve got a very moody mother in the next room. I’ll be back as soon as you’re ready to go.”
Wait a minute! I wasn’t his only priority? What if we delivered at the same time? He was my doctor! I reached up, grabbing his arm. “Wait, you’re gonna deliver my baby, right?”
He looked down patting my arm. “…but of course.” He left the room, leaving me to my epidural procedure.
The nurse walked over, wheeling a cart with him. “Hey there, my name is Jason and I’m going to help get you out of all that pain.”
“Pain relief would be much appreciated,” I told him, trying to breathe slowly in and out, feeling a contraction.
“Okay, I need you to curl over to that side and show me your back.”
I did as he instructed, clutching my stomach.
“Okay, now, curl up in a ball and stay in that position. Don’t move a muscle because if you do and I hit the wrong place, you could be paralyzed.”
“Thanks for givin’ me that vote of confidence. Contraction… contraction…”
How do I explain the epidural? It’s supposed to be something that stops the pain. They curl you up in a ball, during one of your most painful contractions and then shove a huge needle in your back. The doctors claimed I wouldn’t feel it. I felt it.
“Ooh, daaaaamn that needle’s huge! Is that the same kind they use on horses?” Mike exclaimed as he returned just in time to watch the procedure. “That’s going in her back? Make sure you don’t hit the baby!”
“Shut up, Mike! I don’t need a blow by blow description! Don’t tell me how big anythin’ is, just stand over there an’ shut up!”
Becky patted his arm. “She doesn’t mean any of it.”
“Don’t lie to him. Only an idiot would tell his wife how big the fuckin’ needle is that’s goin’ in her back! Next time the doctor’s rootin’ around your ass, I’m gonna tell ya how big the camera is that he’s insertin’ to remove your head!”
He sighed. “She’s not like this at home. She’s usually a very nice woman.”
“Stop talkin’ about me like I’m not in the fuckin’ room!”
Jason patted my back. “You’re going to have to calm down for a few here, so I can help you stop being so cranky.”
I was ready to kill the entire lot of them.