As Tania got in my car, she looked over, smiling, sliding into the passenger seat. “So, have ya thought any more about my idea? I mean, I hate to sound like I’m rushin’ ya, but if ya wanna do this, we have to plan it out now.”
From the first day that I started picking her up for work since she didn’t have her own car, there was always one rule; no talking until Roses was over.
I shushed her. “Hang on. It’s startin’.”
“Roses are red. Violets are blue. When Kane calls your man, he’d better choose you.”
“So, I got this email from,” the delicious voice of Kane said over the radio. “I hope I’m pronouncing this right. Chandice?”
“Shandice. Like the sound of S and H together; Shandice,” the woman said.
“Shandice. Okay. Welcome to the show.”
“Welcome!” Sarah sounded.
“Welcome Shhhhandice,” Sammy joined in.
The show reminded me of the original American Idol and they all played their part. Kane was Randy Jackson; the voice of reason. Sarah was more like Paula Abdul. She was the one to give you hope when it was so lost, it was buried six feet under. Sammy was the favored because he was most like Simon Cowell. He just didn’t care. The only thing missing was Ryan Seacrest, but his show started after Sarah’s solo hour.
“Now that the welcoming committee has officially greeted you.” Kane chuckled. “So, in your email, you stated that Trevor doesn’t want to have sex with the lights on anymore and you think that’s why he’s cheating?” He asked, sounding confused.
“Well, maybe you gained a few pounds and now he doesn’t want to see all that–” Sammy started.
“Sammy!” Sarah interrupted. “God, Sammy! That’s Sammy at hot ninety-nine five dot com for all those emails.”
“What? I’m just throwing out possible reasons. You can’t tell me no one else is thinking the same thing!”
“Is that the case, Shandice?” Kane asked, in a more playful tone. “Not that we think that, just trying to think of all the angles here.”
Shandice had an attitude. “No. In fact, I’ve lost a few pounds, but that’s not why. I think he’s cheating on me with this fat bitch at work! He’s been spending a lot of time with her, and she makes up two of me!”
“Oh. Well then maybe you’re just too skinny,” Sammy added. “No one wants to feel a bunch of bones while they–”
“Stop that!” Kane told him, interrupting before he could finish.
“What? Just saying, more cushion for the pushing is all.”
I laughed. “I love this radio station. Take away my coffee, but don’t ya dare take away my Kane show.”
Tania looked over at me, curiously. “That sounds kinda stalker-ish.”
“It is not!”
“I’m sure Mrs. Kane wouldn’t think so either. So, about my idea?”
“It’s not just Kane but all of ’em!” I shushed her again, turning up the volume. “Wait. I wanna hear what happens.”
I drove like a mad woman trying to get us to work on time. Because of our early morning conversation on the phone, I was running a bit later than usual.
“Okay, well we’re going to call him and see who he gives the roses to. Now Shandice, it’s always a good idea if you don’t say a word until he tells us who and why. Okay?” Kane advised.
“Okay,” Shandice agreed.
“I think it’s because you lost weight,” Sammy told her.
“You’re horrible,” Sarah argued.
“I’m only saying–”
“Shh, we’re calling him now,” Kane told them as the phone rang.
It took three rings before the guy answered.
“Hello?” The gruff male voice said.
“I’m calling for… Trevor.”
“This is Trevor.”
“Trevor? Hi, I’m calling from…” the sound of a beeping noise covered up the name of the fictitious company, “…and your number has been randomly selected to receive a dozen freeeee roses.”
“Naw man. I know a scam when I hear one. I give you my name and number and then somehow you talk me outta my credit card info for shipping or something like that.”
“No. I promise you I will take absolutely no credit card information or last names. It’s totally free as a promotion in hopes that when you need roses next time or a nice bouquet of flowers, you’ll use our services. Are you interested or have someone you’re romantically involved with? Someone you might want to give these roses to? Like I said, they’re more of a romantic type of bouquet, so you shouldn’t send them to your mother or a family member.”
“Um. Uh.” Trevor paused. “Weeell, there is someone I’d like to send them to.”
“Wonderful! Okay. I just need her first name and then tell me what you want the card to read.”
“Can I have a… special card sent?”
“Yes. We believe in leaving a piece of you with the card. It makes it more special.”
It sounded as if Trevor sucked air through his teeth. “I’d like it to say…” he paused for a few seconds. “Elaine, you make my heart swell, and you make me hornier than hell. Girl, let’s ride this wave together, and sail off in the moonlight forever.”
“Okay, sail off in the moonlight,” Kane repeated, sounding as if he was jotting it down. “Ooh, a poet there! I got it. Is this a special lady in your life?”
“Have you ever been with a woman, looked her in the eyes and just knew that she was the one?”
Kane chuckled. “Yes, and now she’s my wife.”
“Well, that’s how I feel about Elaine. We hit it off and the sex is great! It’s never been this good with anyone. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be so bold. When will she get the flowers?”
Shandice broke into the conversation. “What about Shandice?”
I laughed, shaking my head. “Daaaaamn. She waited a lot longer than I would’ve.”
“I know, right?” Tania agreed.
“Who?” Trevor asked, confused.
Sarah laughed. “Dude, don’t you know the sound of your own wife? Some guys just don’t know when they’ve been busted.”
Trevor sounded as if he was getting annoyed. “What? Who is this?”
“It’s your wife,” Shandice said, angrily. “I knew there was something going on, you,” beep, “–ing ass!” Beep. “How could you do this?”
“What? Oh, hey, baby! Where did you come from? What do you mean? I didn’t do,” beep. “You know what this is? I’ll bet this is Rayvon trying to play a joke on you.” He laughed, nervously. “Cut it out, guys. This,” beep, “ain’t funny no more.”
Sammy laughed. “Oh wow, dude, and I thought I was bad.”
“Bad isn’t the word for it,” Sarah agreed.
Shandice was going off at this point with more beeps than words. “Oh, you stupid,” beep–beep.
Kane interrupted. “Trevor, this is Kane, and I’m here with Sarah and Sammy, and you’re live with The Kane Show on Hot 995 radio show this morning.”
Sammy chuckled. “Duuuuude, you’re so busted. Looks like she just lost a whole lot of douche bag weight!”
“What? What’s the matter, honey muffin? I didn’t do anything,” Trevor explained.
“You didn’t just say you wanted to get with Elaine. And who the” beep “is Elaine? That the bitch you been,” beep “–ing at work?” Shandice demanded. “Sending some other bitch flowers as opposed to your wife who took care of your” beep “–ing ass!”
“Honey, I never said that! I never sent anyone flowers! These fools are just trying to start some” beep. “I don’t know any Elaine.”
“I can play it back for you if you like,” Kane told him. “This is a recorded conversation that can be submitted in any court as grounds for a divorce.”
“What? This” beep “can’t be legal to–”
I turned the radio down as it was suddenly just a string of beeps. “Oh, Trevor is so busted! I’ll bet Shandice lights his ass on fire when he gets home. That is… if he has a home to go back to. What a dumbass!”
Tania laughed. “I know, riiight? Some men just don’t learn. Then again, I never understood why people cheat. If you’re not happy then get out of the marriage.”
I thought maybe now Tania realized how foolish her plan really was.
She sighed, turning to look out the window. It was just a few minutes later that she turned to look at me again. “So, have ya thought any more about it?”
…or maybe not.