“Yeah, an’ I still think it’s a stupid idea.”
“I can’t believe ya don’t know why.” I shook my head. I wanted her to stop talking about it. I knew it was wrong. There were so many levels of how wrong it was, but the more she talked about it, the more it didn’t sound wrong. “Okay, what if I did this an’ Mike put that shit on the radio? What if he called The Kane Show an’ put me on a segment of Roses?”
She scoffed. “You’d send ’em to your husband for one thing.”
“Well, what if Sarah called from the STD clinic an’ said someone came in with my name? There would only be two men that I slept with, which is one man too many! That would go over really well an’ on the radio to boot!”
“Mike would never embarrass himself in front of his board of directors. He’d never stoop to that level.”
“Ya mean the level of dirt ya want me to stoop down in front of?”
“It’s not the same.”
“The dirt’s the same no matter whether it’s Mike standin’ in front of it or me layin’ in it!”
She shook her head. “Not in this case.”
I wished I could see it her way. She made it all sound so easy, so cut and dry with little mess involved. Proof she never thought of the big picture and only lived for the day.
“Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, I agreed to this plan of yours. We go an’ find the spittin’ image of Mike walkin’ around. After a week, I get pregnant. First off, as long as I didn’t fall for this man or vice-versa, what if his family has health issues? How many other ways can I explain how dangerous this crazy, deranged plan of yours is?”
She shrugged, taking a drag off her cigarette. Cracking the window, she flicked out the ashes. “Okay, so you’ve thought of the bad that could come outta this. Now flip the tables an’ think about the good.”
I stared at her. How the hell could she counter what I just told her? There was no way of knowing about someone’s health without asking. That would go over well on the first date.
How about them diseases out there. Ya got any in your family history?
However, desperation was listening hard.
“What if ya find a guy who’s absolutely perfect in every way? Ya have the baby you’ve always dreamed about with no problems whatsoever. Ya get your perfectly, healthy baby. Then no one but us is the wiser of what happened an’ ya got the baby of your dreams.”
Desperation turned this moment into a disaster with crazy thoughts and idiotic planning. I actually started to believe at this point that maybe, just maybe, I could do this. I didn’t say anything for a few minutes as I drove. I just saw a wrapped bundle of blue and pink. It was the thought of me having my very own baby.
Don’t get me wrong, I still had all my other issues with this crazy idea of hers. Even though it was psychotic to me, I was working through that craziness. Was a baby so important to me that I might be willing to pawn another man’s child off as my husband’s? I wasn’t so sure I could do that. It was just wrong; legally, morally, and spiritually, but I thought about it.
“Let’s just say I’ve decided to think about it. This isn’t somethin’ that should be done without thinkin’ an’ plannin’. After all, what happens if Mike decides he wants to go with us? That could happen ya know.”
“Ya talk him out of it. Tell him it’ll just be us two. Think about it. It could be just you an’ me on the beaches of wherever we decide to go. We’d have good lookin’ babes in their bikini briefs swoonin’ around us.” Smiling, she flipped her hair back. “It would be so much fun, but not if he’s there. He would definitely be a buzz kill for the whole trip. There’s no way you’re gonna get pregnant if he’s with us.”
“I dunno. Maybe if he an’ I got away from work an’ all the stress, it might be all we need.”
“Ya think location’s the only thing stoppin’ ya from gettin’ pregnant?”
“It’s not gonna matter where the hell he fucks you. You’re not gonna get pregnant from him.”
“What makes ya so sure?”
“You’ve been tryin’ for ten damn years.”
I nodded. She was right about that, but I still wasn’t ready to cheat on my husband. “Yeah, but not on the beach–”
“True, ya haven’t been to the beach.”
“See, maybe it is a matter of location.”
“Let’s discuss a few of the things you have already tried.”
I groaned. I really didn’t want her to go through the whole list. It would just make her plan sound better! “Let’s not.”
“Ya stood on your head for hours until ya almost passed out from the blood rushin’ to your head. Ya stopped takin’ your birth control pills three months before tellin’ him about it; havin’ lots of unprotected sex. Ya scheduled your sex when you were in ovulation. You’ve given yourself a bladder infection by not peein’ after sex. You’ve put him on a strict sexual schedule an’ tried so many things it’s not funny, an’ still you’re not pregnant.”
It was true. I tried all that. I even made him stop a board meeting so we could get it on in his office. I was ovulating and wasn’t going to wait until he came home. I’m not sure who was more shocked; the board meeting at the intermission called or him when I showed up hot, horny, and ready for action.
“Well, the last time I went to the beach, there wasn’t anyone swoonin’ around me.”
Winking, she laughed. “True, but most guys don’t swoon around married women with their husbands’ present, especially someone like Mike. Not many men can compete with Prince Charming. However, if you’re not with Mike, they could be swoonin’ aaaall over you! Besides, I’ll be there, so they’ll definitely be around us.”
Did I mention her modesty?
Arching a brow, I glanced over at her. Was she looking to get a free vacation, get me pregnant, or was this some freaky fantasy of hers? That was somewhat creepy. “Shiiiiiiit. Ya make us sound like Cleopatra. Men surroundin’ us, fannin’ us while feedin’ us grapes.” She laughed, but I was serious. “That would mean that we have to put in for vacation time like right now.”
“That’s not an issue.” Reaching into the backseat, she grabbed my document carrier, taking out a piece of paper and a pen. I could tell she scribbled something on it before handing it to me.
I glared at her. Did she really expect me to try to read that while I was driving? That was the same as texting and driving, which was something I didn’t do. I knew others could do it, but I’d most likely run off the road. “What’s this?”
“Okay. You’re my boss. I’m givin’ ya my vacation notice for a month from now on Friday. That gives us almost ten days of paradise, which should be plenty of time to think about the plan. Now, you take care of it on your end.”
“You’re not gonna give up on this are ya?”
Laughing, I shook my head. “Put it in my bag. I’ll see what I can do. As long as it’s not inspection or inventory, we should be okay. I have to check the schedule first then put us on the calendar.”
She did as I instructed then sat back in her seat. “What are ya gonna tell Mike if he wants to go?”
I knew I was in trouble when I quickly came up with an answer. “I’ll just wait to tell him about it. Then when it’s too late for him to go, because he can’t take off work, I’ll lie.”
“What are ya gonna say?”
“I’ll tell him that I already told him about it… weeks ago. When he’s workin’ on shit, he never hears me. This will be my proof. Even though, you an’ I both know I didn’t say anything, he won’t realize that. He never hears me when he’s busy workin’.”
I didn’t say it wasn’t a lie, but I had a reason. He never listened to me when he worked on an account, even though he claimed he was. In reality, the truth bred that lie thus making it truth by association. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense to you. It was my way of working through this lie.
It was at that moment where I knew I gave her crazy idea serious thought. Desperation camped out in my head like a director giving me instructions. All I could see was a cute little baby of my very own.
She giggled, slapping the dash. “Hell yeah! Now, all we have to do is decide where we’re goin’.”
“I want it far away from Maryland. I don’t wanna run into this guy at the grocery store. That would be the definition of awkward! What about Ocean City?”
“That might be too close unless we went to New Jersey.”
I tried to remember where all the shark attacks happened. Call me a coward, but I knew I was going to get attacked. I know it’s weird, but it’s a phobia and how many of them actually make sense?
“Don’t they have a lot of sharks there?”
She looked around. “There’s Virginia Beach.”
In my opinion, all oceans have sharks. It didn’t matter where we went. The fact was, I wouldn’t get in the water, but Tania would live in it. “That might be a safe bet. It’s not too far, but not too close either.”
“Hmm, far away from Maryland.” She snapped her fingers, turning to look at me with wide eyes. For a second, I thought she suddenly remembered she won the lottery. “Oh! Why didn’t I think of this before? That’s easy enough. We’ll go to California.”
“California?!” I couldn’t hide the shock in the tone of my voice.
“Yep, it’s on the other side of the world an’ the beaches are excellent!”
“Holy shit! The other side of the world is exactly right! Why the hell would we go so far away?”
“Ya won’t run into the guy at the grocery store.”
Well, she had a point there.
“True.” I sighed. “I’m not sayin’ I’m ready for this plan of yours where ya turn me into Mrs. Whore for a week, but I’m up for the vacation.”
She laughed, giving me the A-Okay sign making a circle with her thumb and pointer finger. “Oh. Okay. Sure.”
“I can’t believe I let ya talk me into even thinkin’ about this crazy ass plan.” I pulled into the parking lot of our job. “Well, let’s go to work. We’ll talk about this later.”