Alice vs. Rachel
Chapter 37: Alice vs. Rachel
As a boy of only 20 (I guess I’m more man than boy, but I won’t worry about that now), I was very frustrated romantically, sexually, and with myself. I was frustrated romantically because I was unsure if falling in love with Alice Sterling had been a good idea especially since I barely knew her and still didn’t. But I was also frustrated romantically because I was certain I was receiving deep feelings for Rachel Arlington and I knew these feelings I needed to get rid of quickly because Rachel had pushed me away when it came to the prospect of dating. I was frustrated sexually because I had never fucked, made love, or had sex with Alice. All I had done was masturbate to her picture and that really wasn’t the same thing at all. I was frustrated sexually because I had time and time again pictured Rachel and I fucking. Yes, fucking. Not making love and not sex though technically both those terms are the same thing. Why only fucking? This is very strange to explain but it seemed with Rachel being such a good girl, she seemed to be such a bad girl underneath like she was hiding her true colours under her clothes. I obviously would not be able to prove this unless I could get her to remove her clothes, which I knew seemed like an impossible task. Have you ever thought of masks? We all wear one and some of us wear several. I’m sure Rachel at this time was a good girl in her heart, but I think she also secretly wanted to be spanked and fucked roughly just for fun. I read this quote on Tumblr that I think better reflects this:
I just wanna be cuddled and called princess but I also want to be spanked and fucked like a whore
Obviously I am not a princess and I’m definitely not a whore, but this statement is trying to showcase what women want and not what I want. And, honestly, the second part of this Tumblr line were the fantasies I was picturing with Rachel: hard, rough, fast: a fuck. And it was weird. I could picture fucking her against my desk in our classroom, against a wall, on a subway. The more fantasies I thought of made the scenes get weirder and weirder. And I was scared. What happened if I got on an erection? If I kept up these sexual fantasies, I would. And what about Alice? Would I just abandon all thoughts of her? Would I give up? I couldn’t give up because even if I did, I would be forced to continue. I just knew it. So I was in a real cornered wall: on one side was Rachel and on the other side was Alice. And because of Rachel not wanting me sexually and romantically, I had to focus on Alice even though I had never really had a true sexual fantasy with Alice. The only fantasy involving sex I could think of was the one when she was fucking Joe and that wasn’t me so it didn’t count.
And I felt I needed that, I needed that sexual fantasy of Alice for my love to be complete. And the fact that I already had it with Rachel already told my body whom I was really chasing now. And that also frightened me: the fact that my body knew the truth that I was trying to deny: I wanted and needed Rachel Arlington, not Alice Sterling. She was my best friend and that was already half-way in my point of view.
And the truth is that the body is more important than words. Your body is your true communication. You can know a lot about the movement of a body, you can even read yeses and nos from it. If a girl says, “yes” to you but her body says, “no” to you, you should not proceed despite the green signal. If a girl says, “no” to you, but her body says, yes to you, technically you should proceed because her body wants you. However, you need to focus on the red signal because you do not want to rape this girl, you do not want to sexually abuse her in any way. Consent is mandatory in a relationship and sometimes your eyes say it all, but if there’s ever a feeling of doubt you need to stop. So if she says, “no” to you and her body says, yes, you must ask her if she really wants you. And if she keeps saying, “no”, then you must back out even though both your hearts know the real truth. This is the hardest thing to do, because both of you want it though one of you can’t express it (maybe neither of you can) and maybe really you’re not ready. This was Rachel and my situation. The amount of time the two of us spent together, sparks were about to fly. Thoughts of us were bound to fly. But the real tragedy was two shy lovers who could not confess their true feelings for each other. I knew Rachel loved me and I knew she loved me more than a friend. I could tell in her eyes, because the eyes speak true truths. I could tell it with the way her body moved. All the hugs she gave me, all the worries she gave me, and the fact that she didn’t abandon me when I confessed that I liked her told me that Rachel wanted to keep me as a friend. And I knew seemed to me why: because maybe somewhere down the road we would date. Of course, I didn’t know this for sure unless I asked her and even if she said, “no” and her body said, yes, I could not proceed with this. In life you have to take grand risks or give up entirely. And my grand risk was telling Rachel I love her (not like) and then kiss her or telling her that I love her and then kiss her. But I knew I would do neither of these things because I was scared and frightened that I would lose my best friend forever. Because a risk like that could end in that result. And that result was not worth it.
And this is why I was so frustrated with myself: I knew the truth, but I couldn’t admit it to Rachel. Rachel was right: Alice was never there for me when she was but that was another reason that held my confession in my throat because if Alice found out about my true feelings for Rachel (maybe she knew and was just trying to blare so many signs in my face so I would forget all about Rachel), I was sure something terrible would happen to Rachel. And I knew that made Alice evil and I was really sure her or her goons would never hurt anyone, but I was really unsure if there really was no communication break-down between Alice and her minions. So another reason I couldn’t tell Rachel the truth was because I needed to protect her and that really scared me because I was unsure if I really could.