I wanted to pull out my hair. I was so embarrassed. What was I thinking? What the fuck was I thinking?! I couldn’t kiss Alice! I couldn’t even try! But when you have a craving sometimes your body just needs the release. But I had controlled myself. If I hadn’t drunk anything, last night wouldn’t have ended the way it did. But it did and I needed to stop focusing on the past. The past didn’t exist. It happened and now it was gone. All I could do was focus on the present and the future.
But what really worried me was Joe. What would Joe think if he found out I had kissed his girlfriend? Well, maybe I hadn’t really kissed her; just pecked her. She hadn’t even kissed me back, just slapped me. But I should have expected that.
It was the next morning and Joe’s bed sheets were crumpled but I knew he had left. The shower room door was open and his computer was not on the desk.
I didn’t really feel like getting up, but I had Psychology and knew I should go. I wasn’t doing well in that course. I was failing. My midterm had come back and I had received forty-nine percent. Literally, I was failing. Professor Joswell hadn’t even bumped my mark up to a fifty. In a way though, I didn’t deserve a fifty. My research essay was poor and even the little class tests we did at the beginning of class (for participation marks) weren’t even satisfactory. Luckily though, this was only a one-term course so I didn’t have to endure another term of this.
But it wasn’t good that I was failing and my parents would definitely not be impressed, especially since my mom was so adamant that I shouldn’t have left Toronto in the first place. But I was and I wanted to blame Alice, but the only person I could really blame was I. Yes, I had gotten too involved. Hell, I had masturbated to Dani Daniels because she looked like her. I could hear her voice, that small partially squeaky, partially bubbly voice that made you want to curl up with her like she was your favourite teddy bear.
I was messed up. No, fucked up. So fucked up in fact that I was craving another person’s girl. It wasn’t right. And it didn’t matter if I thought Joe was an asshole and that he treated Alice improperly. It was none of my fucking business! I’m sure plenty of guys bundled up their feelings deep inside themselves and never revealed them to the person they were attracted to because that person was taken. The thoughts, the dreams, the picturing didn’t matter. It would never happen. It just seemed like something I would have to live with and accept. I was a mess.
I looked at the digital clock on my night table: 9:00 A.M.
I really didn’t want to go to Psychology. We were nearing December exams and I knew today would just be another review day. It was November twenty-fourth and my exam was on the fifteenth of December. I knew I could just study the notes from my MacBook. I didn’t need new notes.
Joe walked in at four-thirty and didn’t seem surprised to see my body lying in bed. I had gone back to sleep, but awoke to the door being closed.
“Sorry, man, didn’t mean to wake you,” he said as he noticed my eyes open up.
“S’alright,” I croaked. I always sounded like this when I woke up.
Joe didn’t look as if he had any concern on his face. I guess Alice hadn’t told him. I guess for now the secret was still safe.
“What happened in Psych?” I asked sounding a bit more like myself.
I nodded as I removed the sheets off me. My dark blue pyjama bottoms almost matched the bedspread and my bare feet felt cold against the wooden floor below me. I grabbed some grey socks from my bottom nightstand drawer and pulled them on before standing up.
“Yeeeep,” I yawned.
“So how did last night go?”
God, last night. What went right? “It was fine.”
“So you’re still a virgin then.”
I felt as if I had publically announced this to the school. Maybe I had. I couldn’t remember all of last night. I just looked at Joe. Who doesn’t know? “What about you?” I asked, trying to change subjects.
“Studied,” he said. “That fucking Psych exam is coming up and I’m not prepared.”
I nodded. I had lost focus in that class. “But you’re doing well, right?”
“Shitty. Very shitty.”
“That sucks, man.”
I gave Joe another nod, but I had nothing else to say. Joe seemed relieved as he took off his backpack and remade his bed.
“I think I’ll shower,” I told him and quickly grabbed a shirt, yesterday’s pants, and headed for the shower room.
The hot water felt good on my naked skin and I was fine with the little redness when I stepped out. The mirror was again fogged and when I wiped away some of the mist, I still didn’t have enough prickly hairs to shave.
When I walked back into the main room, Joe was gone again. I dried my hair with my dark purple towel and got dressed.