“God why does this keep happening to me?!” I laid there in the hospital bed bawling my eyes out because not only have I lost my second child but, I lost my third one as well, I was having twins and both were stillborn.
“Baby I am so sorry I know this is tough for you and honestly I do not have the right words to say to make you feel any better,” I turned on my side in this uncomfortable and hard hospital bed as my mom rubbed my back to try and calm me down, but it was not working.
“There is nothing to say mom Jason and I have been trying to have children for four years and all three of them were stillborn, am I being punished for something I did in the past like why is this happening?” I continued to weep for my babies that were supposed to be in this world but, they did not even take their first breath, “Can you just give me some alone time?” I could see in my mom’s face that she did not want to leave me in this cold hospital room by myself, the wrinkles that formed on her beautiful face meant that she was worried about me. I gave her a small smile the best way I knew how and told her I was going to be okay, “Alright sweetheart but, I will be out in the lobby with your father and sisters okay?”
“Thanks mom I love you,” she kissed my forehead and opened the brown heavy door and walked out. I turned on my back and looked at the ceiling wondering how my life got this way.
I was always a good person, who would never hurt a fly, my parents raised my sisters and I to be friendly, caring and lovable and we were just that. I was born in Atlanta, Georgia and was fortunate to have both of my parents in my life. My dad Jordan was an electrical engineer but retired five years ago and never looked back, my mom Hilary stayed at home. She worked as a waitress for years and when she met my dad, he told her she was going to have his kids, stay home and raise them, which is exactly what happened. I have three sisters Jenna, Harlie and Joselyn. We are all two years apart, I am the oldest at twenty-eight, Joselyn is twenty-six, Jenna is twenty-four and my baby sister Harlie is twenty-two. We are pretty close and were supposed to have our sister sleepover, but I went into labor. They are probably nagging my mother right now to come in here with me, but I am sure she is stopping them because I asked to be alone. The person I really wanted to be here was my husband but as always, he is nowhere to be found. I rolled my eyes and sighed just thinking about him and how this all started, we met in college he was a football player and I was just a nerd who took schooling seriously so I could accomplish my dreams which was to become an architect and that is what I am today, and for some odd reason Jason found me attractive, I gave him a hard time for months until eventually I said yes, we dated for a year before he popped the question and my parents thought it was too early but, I did not I was ready to be his wife and that is what I became. But lately he has been distant, and it started after we lost our first child, I know I am probably letting my insecurities get the best of me but, I cannot help but to think he is up to no good because he never answers my calls or is barely home, it is like we always miss each other when he is going to work or when I am going to work.
I picked up my phone and decided to call him again, it rung three times before he answered, “Hello?” I heard that deep voice that I have grown to love but learn to hate.
“Jason where have you been? Did you not receive any of my calls or texts?”
“Yes I did, I was about to call you and let you know I was on the way there, I got caught up at work are you okay?”
I just shook my head from side to side and closed my eyes tightly to stop the tears that were forming to fall down my butter pecan face, “No I am not okay Jason, I needed you here with me.”
“I know baby and I am sorry I will make it up to you alright just let me bring you home, when can you come home?”
“Tomorrow, they want to continue to monitor me to make sure I am okay then I can leave.”
“Okay, I will come get you in the morning instead of coming tonight because we also need to talk.”
I nodded like he could see me, “Yeah sure see you then.”
Right after I hung up the phone, I was able to form a little smile when all my sisters came rushing in, “Did you really think mom was going to hold us back from you that long Harp?” my sister Jenna asked.
“Like seriously, we were with you when this happened and we are staying here so we can take you back home,” Joselyn stated, right when I was about to respond we heard a loud wail and turned our heads to our baby sister Harlie.
“I cannot take this anymore, why does she get all of the good guys?”
I laughed and laid my head back on the pillow, “Who are you talking about?”
“The singer Tiana, now she is with my boo Cannon like you cannot be serious!”
Jenna scoffed, “You know this is the main reason why I told mama I did not want another sibling when I was able to talk because this is what we would have to deal with, are you really going to be that inconsiderate Harlie, we are here for Harper not Tiana or Cannon! You need to grow up!”
“Oh shut up Jenna you act like your that much older than me, I am very considerate of my sister and she does not want us to sit here and feel sorry for her so stop acting like a witch and worry about yourself,” I put my head in my hands because I knew this was about to get ugly when I saw my sister take her earrings off.
“I got your witch!”
“STOP IT you two! This is why I did not want yall in here, I want to rest and wait for my husband to come pick me up in the morning so we can go home and try again.”
All of my sisters got quiet until Joselyn spoke up, “I am sorry I will not be quiet any longer Harp I love you and I want what is best for you but, I think maybe you should slow down and heal your body and heal your mind this is taking a toll on everyone.”
I nodded my head and started to cry even more, “I know you guys, but I just want to have a child, I do not mean to worry you as well, but I have been married for two years now and I want more than that as in a family.”
“But we are also your family too Harp,” Jenna said while running her fingers through my curly hair.
“Yes, you are but, I want kids so they can see how crazy you all are,” I laughed.
“Sometimes I do not know how Jenna became a part of this family,” Harlie mumbled while filing her nails.
“Seriously Harlie, do you ever know how to shut up?” Jenna asked while sitting next to me.
“Yes, I do actually, long enough to kick your ass,” she smirked waiting for her to say something.
Jenna jumped off the bed, “You know what! Come on let’s take this outside because you stay running your mouth.”
“Ha! We don’t have to take it outside! Fight me here,” Harlie stated while putting her hands up and bouncing from one leg to the other.
I was crying and laughing at the same time because they both had their fists up, “You guys please not on hospital grounds.”
Joselyn was laughing, “Don’t worry about it they are going to change in 3..2..1.”
I heard the door open and saw mom and dad walking in, “Why do you both have to do this right now?”
Harlie put her fists down and made her cute puppy dog face she used every time for dad, “Dad you know Jen is always starting with me.”
“I don’t care! We are in a public area and here for your sister not to watch a Mike Tyson boxing match.”
“Mom you know that is true Jen would try to beat me up all the time and you had to break us up.”
My mom walked over and kissed my forehead, “I am not in it this time all of you are adults but the two of you still act like my bratty teenagers this time fight all you want just not in here.”
I wiped the rest of the tears off my face and cackled after I saw Jenna sit in the extra chair pouting, this is what I miss the happy environment I grew up in and this is what I wanted my children to experience, but I do agree with Joselyn I am going to focus on myself and my husband before we decide to try again, I just pray that he is willing to do the same.