It was an endless headache that didn’t go away. A part of me was wishing I could just run away from all of it, but the one thing that would be driving my legs to run that bit faster was my mum.
She continued to knock on my door. Remind me again why I was adult still living here?
“Mum I told you I am fine!” I yelled opening the door. “Would you please just leave me alone!”
Was it too much to ask for some peace!
“You saw two men get killed in front of you Scarlett. I will not be leaving you by yourself. I know you don’t cope with death well.” She crossed her arms.
“I watched two men who were going to kill me get killed.” I corrected her. “Now would just leave me alone. I have to get ready for my statement.”
It was a lie I was planning on seeking out of here as soon as she was out of sight.
“Well the detectives will be here this afternoon.” She frowned. “Are you sure I can’t help you with anything Scarlett?”
“The best thing you can do right now mum, is to give me space.”
She nodded her head, and with a look of disappointment in her eyes she walked away. Before I had the chance to close the door, Hayden decided it was a perfect moment to walk out of our guest bedroom.
Why couldn’t he just hurry up and find an apartment already! I didn’t know many girls that had their ex boyfriend living in their parents’ house. One of the down sides to dating a man that worked with your dad.
“Scarlett.” He smirked, his eyes dancing with amusement. “I heard you killed someone.”
“Yeah and you should get out of my sight before I decide to kill you too.” I stepped back into my room, giving him the finger and closed my door. Cheating bastard could he just move out already.
Groaning I threw myself back on the bed. Why did shit always have to happen to me! I reached for the paper once more, reading the article again. It highlighted the Pharmacy Break In, resulting in three deaths.
The stranger that had saved my life was Nathanial Chambers. His face covered the front page. It was a quick shot of him walking out of the police station, on bail. He was being charged for manslaughter.
It was my entire fault and the guilt I felt could not be explained. I suppose a part of me wanted to know why he did it. Why he killed them. But I knew deep down why he did it, it was for me. When that man hissed that threat at me, he had meant it. He would have tracked me down, he would have killed me.
There was another knock at my door and this time, I wasn’t in the mood to fake nice.
“WHAT THE HELL IS IT NOW!” I roared, getting off the bed and walked to the door, with more attitude than a serial killer. I forced it open, ready to give the person standing on the other side, a spray of my anger.
Then for the first time my eyes laid on Nathanial Chambers face in the daylight hours.
“Scarlett.” Nathanial Chambers was standing there, in my house at my door. My face was painted with shock and embarrassment.
“Nathanial.” I stuttered his name out. I gripped the door, it now taking most of my weight. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see if you were alright.” His voice was cool, collected. “Can I come in?”
“Who let you in?” I asked, stunned. Was it Hayden? Mum?
“A lady named Janet.” He frowned.
Our house keeper.
“Um sure come in.” I stepped back, letting him in to my room. “What are you um doing here again?” My mind had gone blank. I could barely remember my own name, let alone recall his last sentence.
“I wanted to see how you were going.” He shoved his hands in his pocket.
I had looked at his picture in the paper for so long now, that it felt like I knew every detail of his face but yet it was nothing compared to real life. He was a flawless, defined man. His face could cause hearts to melt, but it was his eyes that stole my breath.
In the mid of the attack at the pharmacy I hadn’t even taken notice of his physically appearance but now it was the only thing I could take in.
“Right um I’m doing fine.” I wrapped my arms around myself. “It’s me who should be asking you that question.” I closed my eyes, feeling the guilt creep through my body. “I’m so sorry Nathanial, for all of this.”
“Call me Nate.” He smiled briefly. “It wasn’t your fault, I shouldn’t have taken the shot.” He frowned briefly “But we both know if I didn’t you wouldn’t be here right now.”
“You think they would have tracked me down?” I asked with whirling emotions in my stomach.
“I heard it in his voice, he wasn’t going to give up.” Nate took a step closer to me. “My lawyer told me I wasn’t allowed to see you.”
“My lawyer told me the same.” I smiled, something we have in common apart from this huge mess. “I wish I could fix this. It’s not fair on you.”
“It’s not your fault, I should have known better. I’m trained it’s my profession I knew when I killed them what I was getting into.” He looked at me calmly. “But how are you coping?”
He was a complete stranger but I felt closer to him than I did to my own family. Why did I have to be so screwed up?
“It’s your profession?” I looked at him confused. “What killing people?”
“I’m part of a task force that tackles difficult situations. I’m a hitter.” He sat down on the edge of my bed sighing. “Though those men were the first ones I’ve ever taken out without orders.”
“So you are a trained what assassin?” I froze realizing how damn lucky I was that he had walked into the pharmacy that night. Any other person wouldn’t have known what to do, but he did, because he was trained to know how to act in those situations. “Oh god.” I moaned, placing my head in my hands.
“Not only am I responsible for ruining your life but now I’m responsible for ruining all the lives you can’t save!”
“Here I was thinking you were having a bad reaction to finding out about my day job.” He chuckled lightly, which made me pull my head from my hands.
“You do realize how wrong this is, don’t you?”
“What that I saved a girl?” He shrugged his shoulders.
“And you’re going to go to prison for it.” I pointed out. The police were waiting on my statement and once I gave it I will be confirming their claims. Nate had pulled that trigger the second time with the intention to kill. He hadn’t pulled it in defense.
“You know for a good looking girl you worry too much.”
“For a smart man you don’t worry enough.” I crossed my arms. “I’m glad you came to see me.”
“It saves me trying to track you down.” I shrugged my shoulders, and went to sit beside him. “I wanted to say thank you and sorry at the same time.”
“You’re welcome and don’t worry about it.” He smiled at me. His smile could knock the air from any woman’s lungs. “You’re coping better than I thought you would be. I was expecting you to be a mess.”
No Nathanial, I am just no one will ever see it. I suppose this wasn’t my first time on the roller-coaster called guilt.
“I’m ok. I just wish I didn’t have to put you in prison.”
“You really need to stop beating yourself up. There isn’t anything you can do.” He looked aimless around my room. “I was surprised to find you still lived at home.” He smirked slightly. “You don’t look like the type of girl to still be with her parents.”
“I just haven’t moved out yet.” There wasn’t a reason to it. I just hadn’t made that step. I knew I should make it, but my parents liked me here. Though I knew deep down it was Chelsea that kept me here.
Mum and dad would have had her at home for another few years. In some weak attempt to make up for what I did, I stayed for her. Giving mum and dad some more time with their only living daughter.
“So you are giving your statement today then?” He asked not sounding to interest but just trying to remake some conversation.
I pulled myself from my thoughts. “Yep this afternoon. I don’t want to.”
“But you have.” He reminded me and got up to his feet. “Just tell them the truth Scarlett. You have nothing to worry about.”
Nothing to worry about? I scoffed at that remark.
“It was lovely to meet you, this time without blood everywhere and dead bodies.” He smiled putting a hand in my direction.
I took it, standing to my feet and shaking it lightly. “It was nice to meet you too. I’m sorry about this Nate. You don’t deserve to suffer for saving my life.” You should have let them take it. It wasn’t worth all this trouble.
“Don’t give it a second thought. This isn’t your problem which is why I came here to tell you. I pulled that trigger knowingly Scarlett. So don’t beat yourself up too much.”
Not knowing what to say. I just nodded my head. What do you say back to that?
“I’ll um show you out.” I pulled my door open and he followed me down the stairs. Every step I took, I tried to come up with something to say to him. But I had nothing and when we reached the front door I couldn’t help but feel sad about that.
“So I’ll see you in court.” He smiled bitterly.
Again no words formed and I just nodded my head like a useless mute.
“Good bye Scarlett.” He smiled and stepped out.
“Bye Nate.” I mumbled to his back.
If I could do something to stop this I would. I knew my life wasn’t worth saving. He didn’t know that. He was going to prison for saving a useless life. I should be the one suffering. He should be the one living free.
With a determined mind I stormed up the stairs. I would find a way out of this mess. I would do anything to stop that handsome good hearted man going to prison. I would not let my poisonous life, kill another soul.
It’s glorifying watching your own blood run, down your leg. For those split moments you think you got it out, the self-hate, the guilt, the worthlessness. While the fresh wounds stings and your nerves pulse with pain- everything is perfect.
Because in that moment you are, well in your head anyway- perfect. Nothing is wrong. The self-hate is gone, the worthless isn’t knocking on your heart and the guilt which craves your nightmares and coats your throat with acid isn’t there.
Like I said it’s glorifying because in those moments you feel fine and contended. But the blood soon dries and the wound slowly heals- eventually turning into another hideous scar which you later will loath. Which will later cause you to hate yourself that little bit more, that then stirs the pot of worthlessness and then finally builds on top of the guilt. Then the cycle starts again, only this time you cut a bit deeper.
Every day I woke up I fought a war with myself. Continually fighting with myself not to take the razor to my leg. Not to turn my car sharply into oncoming traffic. Not to give into my inner darkness; which provokes me with negative thoughts all day.
Depression was my beast and she lived inside me never leaving me alone or giving me a moment’s peace.
I sat at the bottom of the shower, the water flowing down onto me. The blood slowly ran down my thigh, being washed away.
My mind was consumed with one thought and one thought only. I hated myself. I hated myself for giving into my inner darkness. But I truly hated myself for being so fucked up.
Chelsea my little sister took her life four years ago and seeing her hanging from her bedroom closet wasn’t what caused me to bath in this depression.
No the depression was born within me and it was my depression that had caused me to neglect my sister so. I didn’t see the signs.
I was so consumed with my own self pitty.
I was high on a cocktail of prescription drugs and alcohol in my room when I was meant to be watching her. She was fourteen I should have known better. I was eight teen, and self-destructive.
It took a year for the numbness to wear off. My parents didn’t blame me for her death. I knew then and I know now they just didn’t want to lose another daughter.
So they wouldn’t let themselves blame me.
I reached out of the shower having a drag on the marijuana cigarette. I blew it out of the shower. I rarely did drugs, well not the illegal kind. But I needed a calming. Not even cutting myself was calming me. I wondered briefly if running would help me.
It was Nathanial that was causing this. I felt unbelievable angry at myself for getting him involved and fucking up his life.
I had faked sick to get out of my statement. They didn’t take it too well but rescheduled for tomorrow.
I had read articles on the internet all day trying to come up with some solution. I gave up about an hour ago, after my inner darkness reminded me I was too dumb to come up with anything.
I was beginning to come to turns with it. I had fucked up his life and there was nothing I could do. I leant my head against the tiles.
My body was bathing in depression. My inner darkness was screaming negative thoughts at me. Provoking me with ideas of how I could just end it all. Right here right now.
He wouldn’t go to prison if I didn’t testify against him. I couldn’t testify if I wasn’t breathing. My inner beast loved this idea and I knew it was her giving it to me.
Reaching out of the shower I pulled my beer into the shower, taking a mouth full. I really need to pull myself together.
But why bother? None needed me thank fuck for that and I had nothing to get up to in the morning. So I didn’t bother. I just kept drinking the bad tasting beer, getting high and pushing the razor into my thigh.
There was nothing worse than the morning after. I slowly sipped on water walking into lounge room. I cringed, hearing noise. Hayden’s little sister Ebony was watching tv.
“Hi Ebony.” I sat on the couch next to her. It was Sunday and every Sunday she would turn up here, waiting for Hayden to finish work and take her to mums out of town.
She was watching Gossip Girl with wide eyes and a goofy smile. “Hi Scarlett, you look like hell.”
I was surprised she had even taken her eyes off the tv to look. I must have missed that. “Thanks.”
“Shush their getting married.” She slapped my knee and kept her eyes locked on the tv.
I dragged my eyes to the television, wondering why the hell it was it so bright in here and why was the television so loud. There was a stage that I was in love with gossip girl too, but I grew out of it.
“So Blair and Chuck are getting married are they?” I asked, drinking my water. “Didn’t see that happening.”
“Shut up Scarlett, you are ruining it.” She shot me an annoyed glance.
“Why are the police chasing them?”
“Why are the police taking Chuck? What is it a crime for him to be marrying her?” Though it should be in gossip girl world, that Blair could be a straight up bitch.
“No. It’s because Blair saw Chuck kill his father.”
“Now I’m even more confused.” I admitted, my head was starting to pound louder. Why did I drink and smoke so much last night. Oh that’s right, Nate.
“Because Chuck killed Bart and is being charged for his murder.”
“So Blair thought hell I’ll marry him before his locked up for a life sentence.” I scoffed, as if Blair would last without being tempted by another guy. She would end up having a fling with Dan or the handsome Nate. Though fictional Nate had nothing on Nate Chambers.
“No because Blair saw what happened between Chuck and Bart. She is the only witness and if she is married to Chuck she can’t testify against him, you know it’s that rule were you don’t have to testify against your partner.”
“Is that an actual law?” My mind ran with possible ideas.
“How the hell am I meant to know?” She threw her hands in the air. “Wait, where are you going? Aren’t you going to watch it till the end?”
I flew from the lounge waving over my shoulder. “Don’t tell anyone you have seen me today, ok?” I took the stairs two at a time. My head still pounded with rage.
I had to look further into this. I had to know if it was an actual law. If it was there could be a solution to mine and Nate’s problem. Let’s face it marriage would be better than prison, well I thought so.