I Wish I Loved you

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[Anastasia’s POV]

I was freaking out.

Well, inside.

Apparently, it’s bad juju to flip your wig while on a date with your husband.

I finally let Tyler take me out to dinner. We went out to a nice restaurant that forced me to dress up for the first time in, what felt like, ages. It was great, except for the fact that I was mostly focused on my baby anxiety. It’d been almost two weeks since our doctor’s appointment, but my mind still reeled with questions and ’what if’s.

By 9:30 he was already opening the door to the apartment - I wasn’t very fun company at the moment. I stepped through first, he came in behind me and closed the door as he asked, “Hey, what’s up?”

I turned to him, “Huh? Oh, nothing.”

He looked like he didn’t believe me, but grabbed my hand anyway, “Okay, good, let me walk you to your room then.”

“Ah, look at who’s still vying for that good night kiss.”

“What are you talking about? I am just doing what any gentleman would do; there’s no secret underlying scheme.”

“Uh huh, sure.”

He stayed true to his word and walked me all the way to the bedroom door. When we reached the door, he turned to fully face me.

“I had a great time,” I said to him, “did I tell you that?”

He shook his head, “No, but I’m glad you did.”

He kissed my cheek; it felt like he lingered there, making it last forever, but when he came up I felt like it had happened too fast.

I ignored my thoughts and reached for the bedroom doorknob. As I opened it I said, “Goodnight, Tyler.”

“Not just yet, beautiful,” he grabbed my hand just forcefully enough to whirl me around.

Within a second his lips were pressed to mine. I actually almost caved, starting to put a hand on his chest. Thankfully coming to my senses, I willed myself not to give in and gently pushed him away.

“No, Tyler, we can’t... maybe next time.”

“Anastasia,” he glanced to the ceiling for a second before looking back at me, “when might soon be? We’ve been on so many of these dates and yo- you say that every time.”

“I know, I just want to be one hundred percent sure that I feel something for you again before we do that.”

“So, what, now you’re saying that you don’t feel anything for me?”

I unexpectedly found myself feeling flustered and angry. I held my hands up to my face, “That is so not what I said!”

“Well, what are you saying?”

I groaned in anger as loud as I possibly could. I’m sure the neighbors heard me. “Oh, my gosh!”

“Wait...” he glanced around like he was unsure of our whereabouts, “how in the hell are you the one that’s mad right now?”

“Because, I’m pregnant and emotional, dumbass!”

“Yeah, whatever, you know you always use that.”

“Yeah, well...” I felt my anger diffusing by the second, “you’re just going to have to deal with it because it’s true.”

His eyes softened, but his face stayed hard and angry. In his voice, I could tell that he was calming down too, ” Your scapegoat makes fights real fair.”

“Listen -”

“Just do it,” he interrupted in a completely calm, yet slightly defeated, tone. “If we kiss and you don’t feel anything, I’ll forget about it... hell, we’ll divorce if that’s what you really want.”

“N- no, Tyler, that’s not what I want.”

“Well, I don’t want to cast my feelings aside because you feel like it’s too soon. It’s hard and I’m drowning because you just don’t understand how much I miss you. I miss talking like we used to, I miss touching you - just being around you even, I miss you.”

I sighed and just stared at him for a second, just taking all of that in. After a while I whispered, “I just don’t get you.”

“What are you -”

“Nothing ever turns you off! I’m the size of a cow, I have the worst most unreasonable mood swings, you hold my hair when I puke, I hit you and yell at you. You’re so sweet, and just don’t care; don’t get me wrong, it’s flattering, but what the hell is wrong with you?”

I saw a smile tug at the end of his lips, “...Your problem is that I’m too understanding?”

I shook my head, “No, my problem is that you love me in a way that’s too much for me to handle right now.”

Suddenly, he grabbed my waist and closed the space between us. My breath hitched in surprise as I looked up and noticed that our faces - our lips - were mere inches apart.

I felt his minty breath on my face (slightly wondering how he kept it as so after eating so much horrible smelling food) as he said, “Yeah, well... you’re just going to have to deal with it... because it’s true.”

I hastily grabbed a hold of the back of his neck and fulfilled a want I didn’t even know I harbored. Pulling his head down to my level in one swift motion, I crashed my lips to his. He wasted to time responding and deepened the kiss by pressing his body closer into mine.

The kiss held a passion and a raw hunger that only screamed one thing, ‘I want you.’

It was obvious that Tyler felt the same way by how he was feeling around for the knob of the bedroom door behind me. I noticed his struggle and opened it myself.

I started by taking his jacket off, “You know,” I moved on to his shirt, “I’m not really this kind of girl, I think giving it up on a date is trashy. I usually wait until they tell me they love me.”

Quickly, he said, “I love you. I really fucking do.”

I smiled against his lips before breaking away for a second to breathe and shimmy out of my dress that he’d taken the liberty of unzipping. “Okay... now you can get the goods.

He laughed and laid on the bed, “Top or bottom?”

“Oh, I don’t you can handle me being on top with all this baby weight.”

“Trust me, babe. Where there’s a will, there’s a way and there’s too much will for me not to find a way to be able to handle this. Up,” he ordered.

“Ooh, confidence. I like it.”

I woke up to loud knocking and an arm wrapped protectively around my midsection. As I woke up more, the knocking became louder and more clear.

Ugh. Whoever you are, please go away. Ty’s the early bird, not me.

“Hey, Staci, I know you’re in there! Yo, Stace, wake up!”

Dammit, Mackenzie.

The ruckus only caused Tyler to groan and slightly tighten his grip around me before snoring again. I’ve never met such a deep sleeper... that I can remember, of course.

“Ty, Tyler, wake up!”

He jolted awake in surprise, “Whoa, what’s wrong?”

“Anastasia Sofia Scott-Meyers, I know where your spare key is!”

Oh great, Mac, yell that louder. I don’t think the enough people heard you.

I jumped out of bed and threw on some pajamas while tossing Tyler some too. “Mackenzie’s outside.”

“... And?”

“And we’re completely naked, and she knows where the spare key is.”

“What does it really matter? We’re married and have been for a long time.”

“I know, I know, but, don’t you want to take a - a second to be happy about this without commentary from everyone else in our lives? I say we keep it between us,” I quickly added, “just for a few days.”

He thought for a second, “Yeah, alright.”

With that, he picked up the clothes I’d thrown at him and walked to the bathroom. I trotted out of the room and went to open the door.

“What are doing here, Mackenzie Rebecca Lawson?” Yeah, had to get her back for using my full name.

“I just wanted to see you. Where’s Ty?”

“Showering,” I answered quickly, trying to stay on topic. “You just wanted to see me at go-the-hell-away o’clock in the morning?”

“Yeah, of course. I missed you, and you’ve been taking all these sick days from work because of the babies. Plus, you’re my best friend, had to make sure you didn’t get axe murdered; who’d buy me food then?”

“I don’t know, but as my best friend, you should know that I’m going to axe murder you for being at my house this early on a Saturday morning.”

She was right though, I hadn’t been too attentive when it came to my part at the studio. It was just that the pregnancy and my condition (Hyper - something or other... Gosh, I still couldn’t say that?) had left me too tired to get out of bed some days. I even had to take my maternity leave earlier than expected.

“Oh, you’ll forgive me once you see what I’ve got,” she sang the last word.

Just as I was about to reply, Tyler came out of the bathroom. He wore the clothes I’d thrown at him, letting them cling to his still slightly wet body - for dear life, might I add; he dried his dripping wet dark hair with a white towel as he came closer to us.

“Hey, Mackenzie,” he greeted her once he was next to me.

“Oh, you remember little ole me, your wife’s best and oldest friend? I’m sorry, I just thought you’d forgotten about the outside world by now, after being holed up in this apartment for so long.”

“I was holed up because my girl wanted to be holed up and I had to be there for her. I couldn’t leave her,” she rolled her eyes, causing him to laugh. Sarcastically, he added, “I’m sorry you thought I forgot about you, Mac, how could I possibly make it up to you?”

Her face lit up, “I’m so glad you asked.” She picked up an unmarked black shopping bag off the ground that I honestly hadn’t noticed and asked, “Help me put these up around the house?”

“... Yeah?” His reply sounded more like a question as he took the bag and walked towards the couch. Mackenzie picked up another bag sitting at her feet and came inside, closing the door behind her.

“Mickey,” I said as she walked to where Tyler was, “what’s all this?”

She looked up from... whatever she was doing. “Congrats, bestie, you’re getting a baby shower.”

“When, today?”

“Right now, actually. Well, more like,” she checked her watch, “... three hours.” She looked back at me, “Surprise!”

Alright, body, this is where the main character in the movie faints on the spot. Make that happen.

When I didn’t get my wished for, the next best thing was to escape. “I’ll be right back.”

I went into the master bedroom, after I was in there for a bit, I heard Tyler say, “Be right back, I gotta go pee.”

I assume she nodded because it was quiet until he walked in through the door that connected the bathroom to the bedroom. He found me pacing in front of the bed. I don’t know what it was, but something she said had made me so utterly, unexplainably nervous.

“Hey, babe, what’s wrong?” he asked quietly. I’m assuming so Mac thought that he was still in the bathroom.

“Nothing,” I said, quickly changing my answer, “something - I don’t know!”

I felt like I was going to cry. This had become pretty common. I’d get emotional for no reason, then I’d get emotional about the fact that I couldn’t figure out why I was emotional. Tyler, as always, knew what to do. He crossed the room, wrapping me up in tight hug that made me feel safe.

“You listen to me,” I felt his heart beating against mine as he spoke, “you’re going to be fine. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about, it’s just friends and family who love you. I’ll be here too never leaving your side and keeping you safe... from a respectable, not like we’re having sex, distance though.”

This made me laugh, “That’s because we’re not having sex, we did it one time.”

“Uh, my buns in your oven beg to differ. Besides, I sense that we’ll be doing that many more times.”

I chuckled this time, letting us fall silent for a second. God, I could stay like this forever. After what felt like ages of me just standing safely tucked into his arms, I felt his hand go under my chin, pushing it up so that our lips met.

This kiss had a different feel, no rushed sloppy feeling like two people just trying to get it on, but like two people kissing that genuinely cared about one another.

When we broke apart, I looked up into his eyes, “What was that for?”

“That was for me, for a few reasons. To make sure last night wasn’t a dream, to make up for lost time, because if I didn’t that’d be all I would think about today, and so that I didn’t do it in the middle of your baby shower. Does there really have a be a reason though?”

I bit my lip, “No. I guess not.”

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