UNFORGIVABLE

A burden. Lately I have gotten acquainted with that feeling when your mind keeps reminding you how you are. I wish I can escape this but it's difficult.

Frenzied dayspring, 15th May 2022. I stepped down from my bathroom barefooted in my towel. I had just finished bathing. I walked past the bathroom door feeling harsh hotness inside my feet, my feet was trembling as if freezing by ice. I felt my breath getting hot, and my tongue drying up.

I glanced at a glass of water standing on a table besides the window and I tried to walk towards it, I suddenly felt my bones cringing and as if dizziness has paralyzed me, I halted. My sight started getting blurry, almost all the objects I glanced at appeared triple. My knees shivered and I dropped to the ground as if pushed by a car. I threw my hands on the floor and my legs both curved. My eyes were completely closed.

Hours quickly passed by, I unhurriedly opened my eyes glancing up at the glossy ceiling of my bedroom. I noticed a shadow hanging at the window and I assumed it was my husband's, Jansen. I tossed to the edge of the bed staring at the window to clearly look at him and I started feeling a throbbing pain in my stomach, I moaned loudly and was holding my stomach.

I heard footsteps running to me and it paused besides me. A hand was patting me on my arm and I sensed that the touch is quite familiar. It was so gentle. No one has patted me that way before neither Jansen. I looked up, staring at the face of the person, her cheeks were chubby and her eyes quite curvy. It was her, I now realized. My sister, Juliet.

"Where's Jansen?" I muttered.

Before she could speak, I passed out.

******

The wind was screaming noisily as the rain was immensely pouring. The thunder was growling.

The room was quite spacious. It was a club. Many youths filled the room jumping high to the fast beats of a music the DJ was playing and screaming their lungs out as if yelling from a mountain top. Gleaming sequine disco bulbs poured colorful rays of glowing lights in the room. Skimpy dressed waitresses walked around carrying a tray with drinks.

Jansen sat at the corner of the room sipping a glass of red whiskey. He glanced at a few ladies in the room swirling their hips and he grinned from ear to ear, raised his glass cup high, "cheers hot ladies! Whooo!" He chuckled and swallowed another sip.

As he was bowing, he heard a voice, "if you are that impressed with them, then you must be more impressed with me." It was a feminine voice.

Jansen slowly lifts his head and he observed her voluptuous hips and he looked up at her. She was in a sinewed red short gown which disclosed her curvaceous waist. He glanced at her pair of lips, they were painted with crimson lipstick. Her eyes were huge as an owl's, her nose quite slim.

She advanced towards him and stretched her hand to him, "hi, I'm Juliet." She had a wide smile.

"Jansen."

She leaned towards him and touched his flat cheek, "so Jansen, permit me to spend the night with you?"

Jansen felt mesmerized staring into her eyes, they were incredibly gorgeous. He nodded, "yeah, let's spend one night."

She chuckled, held his hand and he sprang up to his feet. He walked behind her and they both approached one of the rooms at the upper floor.

Juliet gently pushed the door open and they walked in. The chandeliers dangling on the ceiling illuminated the room. Juliet switched off the chandeliers. She pushed Jansen to the bed and giggled noisily. Juliet climbed up the bed and sat on him and he sat up. She grabbed his shirt and was loosing off the buttons.

Jansen reached towards her bra, he unhurriedly opened it and flung it at the bed and he grabbed her in his arms.

I woke up. My room was murky and silent. I reached towards the lamp and switched it on. I glanced around the room and felt quite anxious Jansen was not in the room. I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, it was 9:45pm.

"Why isn't he home yet?" I muttered.

I sat up and leaned my back on a pile of pillows. I started to go down memory lane of two months ago, March 25th, 2022. It was a hot and radiant Thursday afternoon. I sat on the couch in the sitting room, my legs were stretched to the edge. My eyes looked sombre, my lips rough and dried. I looked at Jansen stepping to the room in an adorable blue suit, and he was wearing a pair of flashy black shoes. He had received an invitation from his Boss to attend a ball at a resort.

Jansen grabbed his car keys seated on the table and turned to me, "I gotta go hon." He approached me and pecked me on my forehead. I touched his arm, "I wanna....I wanna go with you. It's been quite a long time I came with you to an event."

I noticed his eye brows furrowing, "no need for you to come."

"But, why? Other husbands wife are going to be there."

"Emily it'd be better you stayed home and relax." He almost walked away.

"But I wanna come with you." I insisted. I really wanted to be besides him at the party. Thinking of the moments we danced, shared glasses of drinks and chatted at the numerous events we've gone to, I felt so elated and wanted to have such feeling again even if it was gonna just be for a few hours.

Jansen sighed, and was almost fuming, "no, you can't go. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, you look so pale and fragile. And, your cute dresses no longer fits you anymore. Other men's wives are gonna be looking exquisite, I don't want you embarrassing me looking like a maid. What if you get stressed and collapse?"

I felt almost choked with grief, I didn't expect he'd say such words to me. Jansen hardly hesitated to commend me for my beauty and he always took me out on dates even when he's occupied.

I tried to fight back the tears building in my eyes, "I am just ill I am not ugly." I fired back.

"Taking you with me to the ball's just gonna make you a burden to me. I can't keep an eye on you each minute."

"So you're embarrassed and ashamed of me?" I gulped down my tears.

Jansen advanced to me, he held my hand gently and kissed me on my right cheek, "I love you and our daughter." He kissed my hair and exited the room.

I broke out of my reverie. I didn't realize that I was crying until some tear drops fell on my chest. I tossed on the bed and cuddled the pillow softly, "where are you Jansen right now?" I felt quite perplexed. I missed Jansen holding me in his arms when we lie on the bed together. I missed the smell of his perfume and his warm soft touch.