Date: 07/07/2008 10:02:17
I loved the film. It reminded me of us. Two nerds deeply in love with each other, very sweet. I would have enjoyed it more had you kept your maulers off. I thought you were different. I thought you were interested in more than just sex. I’m not a circus act. I spent more time being annoyed about your roaming hands than I did enjoying the film. You spoiled the whole experience, so thanks. Look Jon, I realise I talked about having a little fun with you at the cinema but when I got there I just wasn’t in the mood. You must have noticed I was tired or do I have to spell such simple things out all the time? And why didn’t you put two and two together? You’re a scientist. Surely you must have worked out that if I wasn’t in the mood for frolicking about in the cinema I’d be more exhausted and less interested in having sex by the time I got home. It’s logical. But you ignored what I wanted, what I needed and pestered me with your FUCKINGWANDERINGHANDS all evening. By the time I eventually reached the front door of my lovely flat all I wanted was to be left alone. And what a relief it was when you agreed, after much persuasion, to sleep on the sofa. I don’t know why you kicked up so much fuss. I asked politely and I went out of my way to find a clean sheet, a cover for the spare duvet and I donated one of my lovely duck–feather pillows so you’d be comfortable. Lots of my friends have slept on my sofa and not one of them has dared complain. I understand you’re busy in the lab at the moment with stupidly long stints of surgery and need rest, but honestly the sofa was where you belonged last night. I felt positively harassed with all you’re pestering and I knew if I allowed you share my bed you’d continue in the same vein and nag me for sex until I caved. I couldn’t let that happen last night. I needed my rest. I needed a clear head for making the one of the biggest decisions of my life. Today is the first time I’ll try on my engagement and wedding rings, after all. I’m certain you wouldn’t have wanted my decision making ability to be impaired by a poor night’s sleep especially since it’s your money I’ll be spending. Today is a very big day. I’m so very excited about trying on THE RING. It’s prettier and more expensive looking than the one of my dreams. My Grand Mama would be so envious if she was alive today. I’m a very lucky girl to have such a generous man in her life. From:
Date: 07/07/2008 10:12:10
Subject: RE: Mauler! The film was terrific – quirky, heart-warming. Harassed? Pestered? Strong words to describe reaching for your hand. I fear the leap you’ve made between holding hands and having sex is considerably greater than that made by Neil Armstrong for mankind when he put his left foot on the moon. My turn for a PFFFF and GRRR! Your friends have been overly polite. The sofa is lumpy, the cushions have thinned and the wretched thing creaked very time I moved. The living room is noisy and the curtains are paper thin. In all I had a dreadful night’s sleep. I’ve been sluggish in the lab all day…Performing stereotaxic surgery can be taxing at the best of times. In the absence of sleep it’s very nearly impossible. I’ve had a PhD student do coffee runs for me all morning. I’m utterly wired now! I am at a loss to understand what runs through your mind sometimes. You seem delighted about the prospect of being married. Yet at the cinema you refused to hold my hand then later ostracised me to the living room for no apparent reason. On top of that the offer of sex was dangled, like a carrot, in front of me all day. Such contradictions make little sense. Tiredness doesn’t fully explain the vacillations. Perhaps the hospital games can. If so, I’ll overlook your apparent ambivalence, but I urge you to seek professional help. I predict our marriage will be one hell of scary ride, if not.
Date: 07/07/2008 11:02:11
Subject: RE: Mauler! For goodness sake! Do you ever give up? First you spoil my night out at the cinema by mauling me. Then you have the audacity to mention him on a day when he’s the last person I want to be thinking about. Now I’m trying not to think about him and we both know what happens when you try to stop thinking about something that you don’t want to think about, you think about it all the more. Brilliant – thanks a bunch – you’ve ruined my whole day! I made huge effort to clear my work to indulge your need to go engagement ring shopping but I can’t be arsed now. You probably can’t afford the one I really want anyhow so it will be an utter waste of MYVALUABLETIME. How clear do I have to be? I didn’t want ex with you yesterday because I was tired. Holding hands is a slippery slope. I knew you wanted to fuck me by the way you caressed the back of my hand and tried to work your fingers in between mine. Your moves were a precursor to a snog, to a grope of my lovely breasts, to cupping my pussy with your grubby hands. It’s a slippery slope, for sure. Oh, you think I’m going too far? Men are so predictable. They think with the teeny weeny brains dangling between their legs. When will you get it into your thick skull that flirting is fun and doesn’t always have to lead to sex? I asked you politely to sleep on the sofa because I was tired. That’s all. It had nothing to do with him. Had you been more respectful of my wishes earlier in the evening I might have allowed you to share my bed, so it’s your own fault you ended up on the sofa! LOSER! Go shopping on your own, waste your own time. See if I care!
Date: 07/07/2008 11:15:19
Subject: RE: Mauler! Whooaaa, slow down. How about we rewind, gain a little perspective? One poor night’s sleep is no great loss, providing it doesn’t happen too. I apologise for hitting a nerve, again. Having spent all my recent spare time trawling the internet and scouring local shops I can inform you with some certainty the engagement ring I found is a rarity. The jeweller agreed to hold it for a short time before displaying it again as his attention grabber in the window. I suggest we kiss and make up, forgive and forget. Otherwise we run the risk of losing THERING, the one that’s better than the one of your dreams. How about we meet in foyer at 1pm and stroll down to Inordinatelyexpesivejewelleryshop.co.uk together? The jeweller has champagne waiting for us.
Date: 07/07/2008 11:21:29
Subject: RE: Mauler!
Fine. You’re lucky I’ m so benevolent. The bubbly swung it. Don’t get carried away and believe for a moment I’ve forgiven your indecent and disrespectful behaviour towards me at the cinema because I haven’t. My skin is still crawling. I’m still unhappy with you and I don’t feel ready to be in your company yet so meet me at the jewellers. The less time I spend with you the better. I’ll be there at 1.30pm. Don’t be late, otherwise I’ll leave and you’ll have to suffer the embarrassment of viewing the ring on your own, without my delightful company!
And Jon, I won’t be able to hang about in the shop either. I’m terribly busy in the lab. My PhD students need a lot of supervision. Right now, shopping is not the best use of my time. 1.30pm, no later Got it? Good.
Date: 07/07/2008 11:39:23
Subject: RE: Mauler!
1.30 It is. I’m never late.