“When you realize that you have the power to will into existence the life you want, you’ll see the universe yield upon your command.”
In the span of 10 months I dated over 40 different women. Basically four dates a month, one per week on average. As I went on these dates I had an objective. I wanted to allow myself the opportunity to observe how these social engagements really worked. What separated a great date from a poor date? What did women respond to best? What are the ingredients to successfully meeting and dating women? I felt like a social hacker trying to debunk some incredible mystery.
When I saw the show The Bachelor I asked, why not me? Why can’t I have women line up for me, what am I missing? Granted I didn’t have the money, the looks, or the show to assist with the process. It was clear to me that having those vast options was a significantly better approach to dating; the bachelor is playing offense and not defense. He is totally relaxed and it is the women who must win him over.
The question I asked at that point was how can I get women to line up for me? Is it possible for an average guy like me to have that sense of control when dating, like the bachelor?
One day it hit me like a bat over the head. When I looked at my sales career I noticed a pattern. My sales output was directly affected by the systems I had input. I had something powerful in my sales systems and that power was called leverage. That’s what this book is about, the specific systems I created and translated from my success in sales to love that allowed me to date over 40 women in 10 months and the frameworks you need to promote your success. Like in marketing they say “absorb what is working, don’t reinvent the wheel.”
You see, all the information I was seeking was very vague and general. Nothing stood out to me with real tangible substance that I could implement practically. When I see coaches teaching this stuff it’s always generalized to meet a mass audience, and the message is always vague statements like “just be yourself and remain optimistic” or “go up to her and be a jerk.” You know, the watered-down sentiments we’ve all heard. I knew there was something more powerful underneath the surface. It just required the right miner to dig it up.
I not only consumed information from a theoretical standpoint, I implemented everything and made the necessary adjustments to maximize my success. It was by no means perfect—I had my theories and strategies challenged over and over again. I had to break it down and rebuild more times than I care to admit.
But I never stopped experimenting and growing. Things will always look worse right before your transition into greatness.
Let me ask you, would you rather learn combat from the gladiator in the arena, or from the theoretical practice coach? If you’re like me, you’d rather learn from the gladiator. I learned so many things that are not even mentioned in dating blogs, psychology studies or PUA methods. For example, how to isolate yourself online in order to dramatically increase your success with women. These are things that can only be learned through the experience of being in the arena.
Although my “unfair advantage” was my sales method of approach and I had also read just about every piece of social literature on interpersonal relationship-building that I could get my hands on. I’ve also had the incredible pleasure to have interviewed sociology and psychology professors, some of whom have been featured on USA Today. Most recently, Dr. Palmer from the University of California State provided me with her extensive field research on modern flirting and the new platform of love. I never had an intention to manipulate any woman or trick them into doing things. I just became more aware of myself and my environment, and concentrated incredible attention to the smallest of details which directly contributed to my success with women.
When I started this dating journey, I knew about appetite. We all have one. The problem with appetite is it can be mistaken for lust. As Dr. Larry Young and Brian Alexander discuss in their book The Chemistry Between Us, “our appetites are often in conflict with thousands of years of laws and rules, moral teachings, manners, and self-imposed restrictions—all designed to curb passions.” Don’t let self-inflicting rules stop you from being happy. Go after what you want with intense passion and don’t apologize for it.
INFORMATION IS USELESS WITHOUT A PLAN OF ACTION
I realized I had to have a plan of action because when I chose to wing it like I used to I was getting the same results. I wasn’t finding the quality women I wanted; I seemed to only be moving in circles. I wanted to find out what women wanted by figuring out what they didn’t want. Basically I started with a NOT to-do list. When you realize there is no written law to attracting women then you have no boundaries. The theory of inversion applies like so: Don’t ask what women want. Instead figure out what they don’t want.
What don’t women want?
They don’t want sloth in a man.
They don’t want un-ambitious.
They don’t want un-relatable.
They don’t want someone who lacks a sense of humor.
They don’t want unflattering.
They don’t want easy.
They don’t want mediocre or boring.
They don’t want liars.
They don’t want needy.
They don’t want unhealthy.
They don’t want to feel insecure financially or emotionally.
They don’t want someone with a lack of style and hygiene.
You can add about 100 others to this list. Once you have this list you are able to say, “Okay which one of these do I need to work on?” Brutal honesty with yourself is going to make all the difference in your success.
One of my mentors told me once, “If you have a goal invert it. Instead of doing all the little milestones you have to do in order to achieve that goal, instead avoid doing the things that won’t get you there.” So how have I applied this concept to dating? Well, when I noticed that in order to get women you have to stand out but doing so in today’s dating world is quite a challenge. Most people think you have to be very witty with pick-up lines that will brainwash her to saying yes or manipulating touch to trigger some psychological weakness or that you have to be filthy rich in order to posses the power to buy whoever you want. That approach is not only ridiculous, but unrealistic. If that is what your perception is to get the woman of your dreams, odds are you are not going to find her. If you can’t open her eyes to you, she will never see you. Therefore you must open her eyes. Ponder those words carefully—that is where the power really lies. If you can grasp what that statement means, you’re halfway there.
What changed things for me is when I applied the principles I had learned in sales, social science and psychology, and most importantly when I knew who I was and when I had come to grips with emotional intelligence. My love life was like a business on autopilot. You see, dating is not as easy as it sounds. When you try and do something you’re not very good at without a solid understanding of how it’s conducted or without any guidance, how could you expect things to get better? Simply put, they won’t get better. We can only get better through knowledge, strategy, and action. Then with practice and repetition we get the results we want as long as we innovate along the way.
Maybe you wouldn’t want to date 40 women even if you had the time; you may be satisfied with only a few good quality women. Whatever your intentions are with my methods just be careful what you wish for. What you wish to receive is what you will get, so be clear with what you want out of this, whether it’s love or just sex. The reason you need complete clarity is because the law of attraction is powerful, probably the most powerful force in the universe. The law of attraction states, “Like attracts like, what you actively seek is actively seeking you, you just have to take action.”
PERSONAL STORY OF A GOOD FRIEND
I had coached one of my friends and had him implement my system and within his first month he started talking to five women. That’s a huge jump from zero women to five. He was actually uncomfortable because he didn’t know how to handle speaking with so many women at the same time. He preferred a smaller scale, which is totally fine! On his first date with one of these women I remember having to calm his nerves down, he was so excited and so nervous at the same time. He kept saying, “She is out of my league. I hope I don’t blow it.” He was reverting to the defensive mentality rather than offensive. So I gave him an exact plan to follow.
I told him, okay, look, at this time this will happen and at this time you will do this and so on. I gave him a play-by-play of the whole date. He called me afterwards a bit bewildered in tone. He had told me that the playbook I gave him worked to the T! I was so happy for him and a bit shocked that he literally followed the exact instructions I gave him and he got the exact outcome we had planned for. I expected him to improvise a little and wing it on some of things but he didn’t. That was powerful for me to hear. That’s when I knew I was on to something bigger for myself and for others. I was tired of the nice guys like my friend, time and time again finishing last or not finishing at all. I had to share my knowledge with people like him to benefit from. A mentor once told me, “You know, Sebastian, anytime you get into business you want that business to be a win-win NOT a win-lose. That is going to determine the amount of success you have in life—your ability to help others.”
I never in a million years thought I would write a book about dating. I know that is every author’s cliché but seriously, that thought growing up didn’t even have a registered spot in my brain. My approach was so unorthodox and unconventional, so extreme, yet it worked so well, I knew it had to be shared.
THE BIGGER PICTURE
When you think of how complicated relationships are in this day and age with the divorce rate at an all-time high, you can’t help but confront the question, what’s going wrong for people? Why are couples having trouble staying together? We live in a time vastly different from the past 50 years, heck even the past 10 years things have changed at a remarkable speed. With social media pioneering the future of communication and social connection, we are connecting with more people almost instantaneously. You would think dating has gotten easier. Why do some people not find the right one and why do some look like a match made in heaven? What’s their secret? What is the secret to finding that special someone? How do some men get plenty of women and others remain a 40-year-old virgin? These were questions I was determined to find answers to.
I remember this one time I was talking to one of my buddies, and he was really stressed out over this girl he had just met. He told me, “You know, Sebastian, I just don’t get it. A woman makes you think she likes you and then from one day to the next can make you feel like a complete stranger.” I said, “Well, are you sure she even liked you to begin with?” He told me, “Well yeah, I met her online, we met for coffee and had interesting conversation, and we text all the time. But lately she’s been taking a while to text back and more recently when I ask her out she always makes an excuse to why she can’t.” I said, “That’s strange. Did you say something to offend her?” He said, “No man, I text her all the time and always try to make the conversations playful, and when she doesn’t text back I usually will message her again later just to see how her day went, just to let her know she’s been on my mind.”
My friend did nothing wrong, yet was beating himself up about it. I told him afterwards, “Worry about being the best version of yourself first. You can’t let anyone make you feel this way, as if you are not worth their time, you’ll never be happy that way. Talk to other women; keep your options open especially when you are first speaking with a woman. It’s one thing to be considerate of her but if she is not giving you that same respect, and communicating with her seems like an uphill battle, then by all means keep your options open.” We had some laughs after that and we talked more on the subject and that was that.
As I was driving home I was thinking my friend is such a genuine honest guy, one of the coolest people I know, any woman would be lucky to date this guy. When it came to my friend’s specific scenario I couldn’t help but think of the trend I was noticing in other men I knew, whether they were co-workers, family members, other friends, and even strangers I overheard at coffee shops speak on the topic of women. There were so many men like my friend, I realized when you are dating women and lack experience, you need a plan of action.
The conversation I had with my friend sparked something in me that felt as if the universe itself was pulling me to this idea that I would always joke about writing a book to be successful with women. I finally listened to my soul and here we are now.
What if I told you that you have the power to attract who you wanted, when you wanted, for however long you wanted? Not with some secret formula that was conjured up in a lab or with ancient mantras that give you some divine power. I’m not trying to get you to believe in some bogus cheat-sheet to getting women. Instead I am going to show you how I inverted my love life that is now paying me vast dividends.
Before you go and conquer your love life, it’s important that you are clear with what you want and how you are going to get there. It requires a plan of action. There is no way of knowing what that plan is until you conduct experiments. Before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he tried and failed 10,000 times. He didn’t see them as 10,000 failures, he saw them as 10,000 lessons he had to learn in order to produce the light bulb. You have to experiment in order to provide clarity on your desired outcome and the vision to get you there. Experimenting will provide you clarity by establishing what works for you and what doesn’t. There is no one-size-fits-all method to approaching and attracting women. You have to gauge your environmental strengths by testing what specific approach and environment works best for you. By experimenting, you are able to start with an objective in mind which then will lead to you executing a plan of action that will in theory get your outcome. The more you repeat this process, the faster you will reach that goal but you must hypothesize first. You can’t know what lies beyond the horizon, beforehand.
Ask yourself, do I want to date to find potential love or just to sleep around? How do I want to transcend my romantic life? Be clear with yourself when you ask these questions because you will get what you put in—this goes with anything in life. If your intentions are not clear then your results will also be just as confusing. If you’re looking for love but put up barriers that make it impossible for a woman to get through, she won’t. And you’ll be thinking, why isn’t she giving me emotional comfort? Well, because you are closing yourself off. Be open to love, and it will find you. If you just want to sleep around that’s fine too, just don’t get upset when you start to like one of the women and she doesn’t like you back. Your intentions are clearly to sleep around so love won’t find you and you’ll be stuck answering the same question, “Why doesn’t she like me back?” Well, because your intentions were clear about sex but unclear about love. Consider the accuracy of the law of intention, and be very clear with your intentions before you go out and meet women.
Do Background Research
The background research is on yourself and personal experiences. What do you have to offer? What are you doing with your life; where are you headed? What are some of the things that have held you back from approaching women? How have you handled previous dates? Reflect on previous relationships. How would you behave in difficult times? When times were good, what made them good? What do you appreciate in them and what ultimately didn’t work out or couldn’t be resolved? You need these key components to properly set up your experiment.
Construct a Hypothesis
What do you expect the outcome of your experiment to be? When you are dating, how do you expect your experiment to work? Do you expect the perfect woman right away or are you willing to be patient? Are you willing to execute a plan of action?
Test Your Hypothesis
Put in the work. Apply the steps given and collect data for yourself. How are these encounters turning out; what variables need to be adjusted? There is no one-size-fits-all step-by-step process. You need to implicate the fundamentals and adapt them to tailor to your circumstances.
Analyze Your Data and Draw a Conclusion
Identify common denominators in your experiences. How did she respond to you? Was she open or closed off? What was the quality of the conversation, meaningful or dry small talk?
Communicate Your Results
This is where you’ve drawn your conclusions about what has worked and what hasn’t worked. When I was dating, I found from experience to keep the conversations light. I joked when I felt the energy getting too heavy or serious like a debate. I was serious when asking personal questions, like what are her most ambitious goals. I was sarcastic when she was analyzing me; women are always observing and constantly trying to figure you out. I found being unpredictable with my comments and questions had a great response with both verbal and nonverbal body language. I demonstrated spontaneity in dorky actions, positioning my body from relaxed and playful to the gentleman’s pose, which was a straightened back, crossed legs, and hand on my chin displaying sophistication and confidence.
Before you even consider meeting women
It’s important to have things going for you in a positive manner. If you are having financial problems or you are emotionally stressed, you’re not in a good place to meet women. Get your personal affairs cleaned up first. I was helping a close friend of mine who wanted to start meeting women because he was getting lonely. We talked for a bit and he told me he had a lot of stress lately and felt a woman could help take his mind off things. Well the problem with that is he is relying on a woman to be there for him and comfort him, which is the wrong mentality to have. Dating women is not the solution to your personal stress. In fact I told him not to date at all because he needed personal time to focus his energy on formulating a solution to his problems, not pass it to a woman to help him cope. I also noticed a lack of hygiene, which a woman will notice too. Like many men, my friend was in no position, mentally or emotionally, to start trying to meet women.
HAVE THESE IN ORDER BEFORE YOU MEET WOMEN
As soon as she sees you for the first time she is automatically going to evaluate you based on your appearance. She is going to look at height, smell, style, hair, and body posture.
If you are not too tall that’s perfectly fine, there are plenty of women shorter than you or about the same height as you. Be confident—these are the cards you were dealt, now make the most of them. I am about 5’8”, which is considered average height. Do I let that stop me from speaking to women the same height as me? Heck no, I own what I got! Don’t be discouraged to speak to women taller than you either; it will push you out of your comfort zone, and will help strengthen your communication skills.
How do you smell? Have you showered? Are you wearing deodorant? Do you have bad breath? Our sense of smell is one of our strongest forms of attraction that make it or break it with a successful encounter. I remember I took this woman out to a movie. She was absolutely beautiful and had an amazing body. When I leaned to hug her she said, “Hi, how are you?” and as soon as those words left her mouth I could smell her ferociously bad breath. The whole time we were watching the movie she would lean in to talk to me and I would cringe. Her breath was awful. It literally overshadowed her outer appearance. I no longer cared about how she looked or how awesome her personality was; the fact she had intensely bad breath was a deal-breaker for me. Keeping fresh breath is absolutely critical if you want to be successful with women. I recommend you carry mints or gum at all times.
How is your sense of style? Do you take pride in the clothes you wear or do you just throw on jeans, a tee, and baseball cap? I hope you’re not that guy, but if you are it’s important to know that a woman will be analyzing your sense of style and will draw conclusions on the type of lifestyle you have. The whole notion of being comfortable with your sense of style and wanting a woman to take you as is, well let’s face it odds are you haven’t had much luck if you don’t care about your outer appearance. That mentality is toxic, so I want you to be honest with yourself and look at your wardrobe—is there an upgrade that needs to take place? If you don’t have money for an upgrade you really have no business dating women to begin with. You need to be in a good place financially. Women have plenty of men to choose from so that guy who is better dressed than you will stand out , making it that much harder for you. If you don’t know where to shop or what men’s fashion is, look at GQ magazines, Google ‘latest men fashion’, search Pinterest, ask some buddies…do what you have to do to find the answers, but never say to yourself that this is too much work because the guy who is willing to take pride in his appearance deserves the girl way more than the guy who doesn’t. To get the girl you have to deserve the girl.
How does your hair look? Do you go for clean-shaven or a messy look? In my experience I have found that the cleaned-up, combed look builds better rapport with women, than the shaggy just-got-out-of-bed look. If you have long hair try to comb it to look neat. If you have short hair keep it looking fresh. Whatever your hair type is, keep it as neat as possible.
How is your body posture? Do you slouch when you sit or drag your feet when you walk? I hope not. Women look at posture as an indicator of confidence. When you walk, you should walk with your back straight and your shoulders rolled back a little. When you roll your shoulders back it should make your chest slightly more exposed. Walk as if you’re the most confident guy in the room. Don’t make weird exotic faces. I’ve seen guys walk with a stiff frame trying to portray confidence and do this eye-squint thing as they are walking—it actually looks hilarious. Don’t be that guy, please. Walk with a firm frame, relax your face, and have friendly eye contact. This will give you that natural confident look, not the trying-too-hard look. Women can tell the difference.
Intelligence is important because without it, how could you ever expect to attract a woman of true value? I look up to the billionaire Daniel Lubetzky, CEO of Kind health bars. In his book Do the Kind Thing he said something that changed my life forever: “What brought me success was my philosophy, instead of thinking in terms of OR I thought in terms of AND.” You see us humans beings believe in scarcity instead of abundance. The popular belief is that, if you meet a hot woman, she is going to be a bitch and she is not going to have a brain OR if you meet an ugly woman she will have a brain and will treat you with respect.
This is how a limited uneducated mind thinks. Don’t be part of this cynical delusional assumption, let the men that are miserable and unwilling to change their circumstances believe in this. The fact is you are going to attract the women you want. Period. If you’re just looking for some ass then odds are the universe is going to give you a woman that only wants the same from you as well, whether she is pretty or not, nature is neutral. If you want an educated woman who is also beautiful in all aspects of the word, then the women you attract are going to be all of those things you want.
The only catch to these types of women is that you have to be at the same level of the women you want.
Never settle for a mediocre mind. Life is too short not to indulge in all the knowledge that you possibly can. Challenge yourself to grow your vocabulary. I have this app on my phone and twice a day it sends me a complex word along with the definition and how to use it in a sentence. I make it a point to use those two words in a sentence. It grows your creativity so that you are able to articulate sentences with sophistication. The right type of woman will be magnetized to you because “like attracts like.” If she is intelligent, she will recognize intelligence in you as well.
According to psychologists, emotional intelligence is:
“the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”
So how aware are you of your emotions? You see, the man who is emotionally intelligent knows he must be proactive rather reactive to his emotions. Emotions cloud our overall judgment on matters. Reacting to situations closes off logical solutions and forces you to react without sense. Always be completely present when you are making decisions based on an emotional response.
The Buddha said, “Our thoughts have a process to them. There is always going to be a beginning middle and an end.” For example if you start to feel anger just know you are going to have to cut it out immediately otherwise that feeling is going to manifest itself. Like any emotion, it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. When you start to dwell in that aggressive thought, that emotion will grow stronger until eventually your judgment gets clouded and you no longer are able to act in an objective manner. Reacting in a negative manner is always counterproductive and energy-consuming. So when you start to feel a negative emotion then pivot to a positive state of mind. I always picture negative energy as chains that I am putting on myself. The freeman has a choice, let this affect me or let go of it and move on. The more you practice this discipline the better you will be, not only with women, but with your life as a whole.
Physical health is so important when it comes to confidence. If you take off your shirt and look and in the mirror, ask yourself do I look healthy? Be honest with yourself. The men who have the most confidence are the ones who answer this question with the most honesty. If you are a bit overweight, eat healthier, go to the gym and start exercising. According to recent study by Dr. Moradhvaj Singh on the effect of aerobic and anaerobic exercise on basal metabolic rates and five ways to increase testosterone by the Poliquan Group say exercise not only affects your physical appearance, it also alters your metabolic age and increases testosterone. Giving you more vitality and increasing your natural scent of attraction. When you increase your testosterone you also increase the pheromones you release to women through your saliva giving you that little extra something. Take care of your health so it can take care of you.
How do your finances look? I ask the question to provoke honesty. If the answer is not good, then you must get yourself to good. Whether that’s getting a better paying job, going back to school, or improving your trade skill to be in higher demand. Do what you must do to better your financial situation, because if you are struggling financially don’t expect a woman to pick up your tab. You need money to go on dates and if you want a future with a woman of value, then your financial situation must be corrected.
IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER, A WOMAN HAS SOMETHING TO WANT
If you have nothing to offer, why would a woman want you? I am going to sound a bit extreme but remember men can plant their seed anywhere but a woman only has one womb. Relatively speaking, they’re a lot more patient in the selection process. And if she is attractive, then she has more variety. So how would stand out from the pack?
By having resources in abundance and understanding persuasion (not manipulation), confidence in yourself, and having impeccable timing in your social interactions with women.
Most guys take a lottery approach to dating, thinking you get what you get or the right person will come to them at the right time in the supermarket and boom like magic it was meant to be. That sounds like a fairy tale to me. There’s an old saying that goes, “Knock on the door and it will be answered.” If you do not put yourself out there, no one is going to magically fall in your lap. Think of your love life as driving a car—you need to grab the steering wheel to get where you need to go, to guide you. If you take your hands off, you crash. I am not promising a secret formula to win over every girl you meet; that is not plausible and frankly you would be living in fairytale land instead of reality. What I am proposing is a method of approach forged from knowledge in sales, science, and love.
A mentor of mine once told me in order to succeed you must surround yourself with idiots. Sounds harsh but what he meant was you always wants to have an advantage—not take advantage, but have one in your love and business life. You want to have some sort of niche knowledge that will help you to stand out from the masses. Like a bright shining star undeniably noticeable in a sea of stars.
Ask yourself, does the average man really seek the science of why we are attracted to certain types of people, why some have success and some don’t? Of course not. The masses like to learn things the hard way through trial and error and unfortunately for them they waste a lot of time and are susceptible to emotional duress in the process. By having this book in your hands you have the advantage that my mentor was talking about. Through my experience as the gladiator in the arena, along with knowledge from the greatest minds in biological science, sales, and psychology have been condensed here for you to apply. It’s the secret shortcut to your dream girl.
I was once told that in order to find happiness you must seek it outwards instead of inwards. You must be aware of the powerful knowledge that is out there. In this book is a concise collaboration of all the key principles in the palm of your hand. Why learn how to date and attract the hard way? Why do anything the hard way? Cutting the learning curve is what this is intended for and when you apply the techniques like the law of intention states: “what you focus on expands.” Focus on becoming the best version of yourself financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally. The universe will yield to you.