Chapter 1
I was not told how difficult being a freshman was. I'm a month into school and I'm barely surviving. My grades are thriving but it's all so stressful. My parents always pushed me to be the best, and my GPA shows it. I have over a 4.0 GPA and I'm top of my class.
I've always struggled with personal things, mainly my self-image. Back in middle school, I was labeled "probable school shooter" and everyone was terrified of me. I just wore dark clothing and didn't like talking to people. I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder when I was 6, which only gave me explanations for what was wrong with me. My family doesn't have a history of ASD so the fact I was diagnosed with it was sorta brushed under the rug. My extended family would've "prayed it away" had they known I had autism.
My parents, more or less, just ignored me until my grades went under a 90%. Of course, I had dinner with them, but they never spoke to me. Not that we ate in silence, but that they didn't want to talk to me. They spoke to each other and my younger sister, but I was never included in conversation. I think this is because I had gone nonverbal once in front of them, making them believe that I never wanted to speak to them again. In reality, I know 7 different languages. I can speak, they just never thought to interact with me.
Ever since I was a kid, I was a stain to the family. I was too masculine for a girl. I fell asleep in church. I liked heavier music. Everything about me pushed away my family. I was once on the phone with an international friend of mine, we were speaking Russian to each other and I was yelled at for being, and I quote, "An un-American commie bastard." They knew I could speak, they just ignored me. I go nonverbal at school almost all day, with the exception of my favorite class, science. Science has always been my spark, as the teacher says.
Today, something happened. I was sitting at my lunch table alone with my headphones on. A girl walked up to me.
"May I sit with you, Atticus?" She asks, pointing to the chair across from me.
I nod my head, to which she slides into the chair. I go back to my drawing in my lap when she starts talking again.
"How's your day so far?"
I look up to meet her eyes and shrug. Eye contact has never been easy for me, but she made it easy. Her eyes were a beautiful blue, as they had a soft look right at me.
"Do you not like talking?"
I shake my head with a disgusted face. I put my drawing on the table so my hands are free.
"Talking is hard for me" I sign in ASL.
"Do you want to continue talking to me? Or at least I talk to you?" She signs back.
"You know ASL?" I sign in reply, confused.
"3 years now."
"I don't mind communicating, I just don't like using my voice in school," I explain.
"That makes sense. You have not answered my question, How's your day?"
"Decent, nothing really has happened, what about your day?"
"Good, making new friends."
"Me?"
"Aren't we friends now?"
"Yea, that'd be nice."
I made a friend today. Her name is Eurydice. I think she approached me because of our names. We've both got quite odd names nowadays. She said her parents loved greek myths, and the story of Orpheus and Eurydice was their favorite. I chose Atticus when I was 12 and have stuck with it. I loved To Kill A Mockingbird. If I were to ever have kids, I'd want to be like Atticus. Mary never fit me.
After I started going by Atticus, one of the younger kids of one my parents' friends had buzzed my head in the basement. My parents were mortified when they saw it and forced me to wear a wig to church and family events. It was such a cheap wig that I think everyone knew it wasn't my real hair. I still keep my hair fairly short, on my dime though. Along with my gel. I pay for the majority of my stuff on my own.
