***
Carina stared at strangers either; taking a morning walk or in a rush to the subway station.
She sat on a stool she had dragged beside the window, where the little space between the curtains revealed the seemingly busy and unconcerned world outside.
She pressed her upper and lower lips tightly against each other to suppress a bulging cough that irritated her throat. The light on the street was brighter than the one in her room. She wondered if the dog that stared straight at her from beside it's owner - who seemed more engaged on a call than in walking it - saw through her, only if it knew this was the day she was scheduled to die.
Her mind drifted to four weeks ago when she was at the Doctor’s Office.
“I have what... Doctor, what are you trying to say? Please just prescribe something for me to use. This cough is getting worse,” Carina said, restricting the urge to get up and meet the Doctor’s height. “Plus, I need to be at work in the next hour,” She added throwing a quick glance at her wristwatch.
The Doctor paced around his office as if he was too disturbed to seat. He came over to where Carina sat opposite his desk. “Ma'am, I’m sorry to tell you this; but your report shows your liver is greatly afflicted, the symptoms you complained about are just obvious indicators and uhm…” he sighed, “there’s nothing we can do at this stage.” He replied with concern written all over him.
“So you are telling me to go to another hospital? Or seek traditional help?” Carina laughed at her own joke, coughing, but the Doctor did not find it funny.
“Ma’am, you should have come for a check-up when the symptoms started, instead of self-prescribing drugs for yourself,” he said through gritted teeth, “you’ve damaged your organs by this ignorant act!”
“Uhm, I’m sorry?” Carina said, wondering how her ‘ignorant act’ has affected the Doctor in anyway.
“Self prescription is cheaper and it keeps me in control not at the mercy of said Professionals whose only accurate Profession is exploitation,” she began, “plus, people thrive doing it where I came from. So, just tell me what to do now! This… whatever it is, is about to claim my job. I can’t... Look! I landed a VACATION... an unpaid vacation! We both know what is next!" She replied emphatically.
Her eyes caught the frame on the Doctor’s desk. A picture of his wife, daughter, and himself grinning.
Family.
The Doctor traced her gaze and heaved a sigh.
“Miss Carina,” he said calmly and sat down, slowly pulling her attention from the framed picture. “Job security should be the least of your worries right now. You should spend more time with the people that matter in your life, do the things you always wanted to do and just take care of yourself. Life is short, you know?”
“Yeah you are right but…”
“Your report shows, you have less than a month to live,” he blurted finally.
Carina blinked. Someone twitched the doorknob but released it quietly and no one came through the door. She saw an image her Mum smiling but that smile soon turned upside down.
What?
“I’m really sorry Miss Carina, that is what your report shows. I wish I could say it better.” He said softly and wished he could hold her hands.
“I have less than a month to live?” She lifted her face and smiled at the Doctor.
“Yes Ma’am, please live it well.” He sighed and began scribbling a prescription on paper.
“I would advise you meet with a nurse and get these drugs. It will make your days bearable, so, please use them accordingly.” He swiped the prescription across the table and Carina laughed, picked up the customized piece of paper and stood up to leave.
“Thank you, Doctor. My regards to your wife and that little angel," She said gesturing towards the framed picture on his desk. He nodded and did not utter another word till she left the office.
It was almost believable, what the doctor had said. Given how thin she had become over the past few years, how it was as though she could never have a week of relieve despite the consumption of various brands of antibiotics, painkillers and cough syrup. How her lungs only gives seconds interval before releasing another slug of air and how now as she walked she could not tell if she would successfully land the next step, since the space before her moved in circles.
Her Mum’s smiling face flashed through her eyes again but this time two figures joined, marked by the disappointment on their faces.
Would they survive if I die now?
When she stopped, she found herself standing in front of an eccentric building at the corner of her street. This was one of the oldest buildings on her street and she knew except for the animals and birds, the house was usually empty.
She followed the stairs by the wall and soon was on the open roof. The night view from there was great; it was also the perfect height to fall. She stared now and laughed again.
A month?
She looked down at her left hand, at the faded dark circle the ring that used to be on that third finger left.
She looked up admiringly at the sky and shaking off the urge to curse God that hung heavily under her breath, she laughed. She remembered the question a certain Preacher usually asked her. “Where will you spend your eternity?” She scoffed at the uncertainty that laced his own face at that question.
She spent that night on the roof; pondering what she’s meant to do, feel and even think, if she had few weeks to live, what would she want to make sure of, before she dies and how?
The next day, Carina woke up to a loud honk from the street below. She did not remember falling asleep or when she had considered suitable for rest the cold floor darkened with leftovers from dust, rain and smoke.
She got up as fast as her strength enabled her and walked briskly to the edge of the roof, though her hips felt heavier and her legs staggered after a few step. It was difficult and painful to cough through her parched throat, so, she curved her lips inwardly and held it tightly against each other with her teeth and her eyes reddened between her paled face at every resistance.
She inhaled the morning dews as if everything was pleasant as the sun rose behind the cross that stood tall on the Chapel streets away.
She left the roof and she stopped to get a nice breakfast at a restaurant down the street, which she usually criticized for being unreasonably expensive though she had loved their breakfast combo. Some other person is bound to spend all the money once she was gone anyways. She ordered take-outs, enough to last a week for all three meals and returned to her apartment.
As soon as she got in, she sat with her phone in front of a dead T.V screen on a three-sitter couch and dialed, for the first time in three years; Femi’s number.
As it rang, she remembered how she had been so close with Femi back home, and how after he confessed his feelings for her things became awkward between them. She liked him too, but Jason had begun to talk about marriage. It was too late.
She wonder what she was doing, if it was not really too late now. She quickly ended the call and exchanged her phone for a bag of chips and turned on the T.V switching it to a series she had began watching but the only sound she heard was of memories over 5 years old.
After working as a clerical staff for over four years, she met a fine young man, Jason, who became her key to becoming an American citizen. She had always imagined all she needed was to cross the boarders and all her hard work would finally payoff.
She did not love him, at least not at first but Jason loved her. He would come to her work place every time he was off from his job and drive her around on all her errands. Despite knowing she was probably more into that colleague she was always with when he came during lunch hours, he was ready to win her over with his charm alone and he did. So he thought.
The first time they meant, he took it that she was the accountant and had discussed business at length with her before she could properly introduce herself.
“How can you have such intelligence and training and be a clerical staff?” He had asked, astonished.
“Welcome to Nigeria” She replied and laughed hysterically.
They met as he was rounding up his projects and when he finished he knew leaving her would be a great loss, so he asked her to marry him and move to New York with him.
Relationship to her was like an exchange, a business she had to learn when she sponsored herself to the university while supporting her single Mom and her siblings. She gave them sex and they in turn supply her needs. This in Jason’s case: had included emotional and moral support, caring about his family and visiting his parents on holidays and she loved it, it was worth the pay.
Jason was a lovely man, he was caring and earns well. Carina had begun to love the man because he showed her something she never knew exists, something she never new she needed. She felt secure knowing that he would always love her that way. But, when Jason decided against her will to quit his job as an engineer and pursue his childhood dream of being an artist, their fight that night was the last Jason saw of her and her of him...
Maybe if she had not told him that she never loved him and all that she did was so that she would secure a better life for her family and herself, he would have come by her office to look for her or call her to settle. However, she did.
She recalled months after her devoice. She searched for what she had with Jason, but without the faith, without the firm believe in her, without the eyes that saw something in her that she could not see no matter what she did. She began going on different dates but she soon gave up. The world has only few good men, and noone is that fortunate to have more than one, more than once.
With minute that went by, Carina felt life {control over it} slipping through her fingers. She felt like that thirteen years old again; powerless, dejected and tired, tired of carrying a burden bigger than her age but that thirteen year old made a decision to stay alive for a reason; her family. Though she felt like that thirteen year old, she didn’t have the choice she had, this time her time has expired and there was nothing she could do about it.
She munched the last piece of chips and went to her refrigerator to perverse the food she brought from the restaurant. She put in everything in layers but pushed a pack with the hamburger and fries aside. She reached for a can of soda, closed the refrigerator and stared at the two for a while before grabbing the fine looking Burger.
She did not admit it until now but she had never being the same since Jason came into her life, especially since he left. She wished she could be the girl he fell in love with and love him the way he deserved. She could not go back to him because she knew she lacked what it takes to that woman. She was too broken to be that woman.
She felt her heart sink within her.
Why would you ruin something that was so good? Don’t you ever know when to stop?
She felt an itch at the back of her throat and clenched her jaw. She hated the sensation coughing sends through her body.
She had grown physically weak; she continued to ignore the new symptoms that began to surface but that did not stop them. She laughed when she coughed blood and when she noticed the colour of her excretion had change. She would groan sometimes from pain in her stomach but would resist showing any symptoms in public.
I cannot die like this.
Carina stared at strangers either; taking a morning walk or in a rush to the subway station.
She sat on a stool she had dragged beside the window, where the little space between the curtains revealed the seemingly busy and unconcerned world outside.
She heard her ring tone from the side stood by her bed and hesitated before going over to pick it up.
“Carina, how are you doing?”
“I’m good, Charles, how are you?” Carina replied and quickly held her palm over her month.
“You were supposed to resume yesterday? Are you still unwell? Please, send me your address I really wish to see you” Charles said in one breath.
“You are so kind but don’t worry…” She stopped to hold in her breath, “I will be back soon”
“But… the Accountant told me you recently took a loan, is it that serious? You could have asked me for help,” Charles replied carefully, he had a lot to ask her but didn’t know how much he could before she shoved him to his place; a colleague and nothing more.
“Charles, we will talk more when we see, take care of yourself,” she hang up and placed the phone back as though it’s not allow to leave that spot.
‘Take care of yourself’ as if he was wrong to worry about her. She shrugged off the thought and went to the bathroom to let out a long explosion from her lungs, occasionally she spat out mucus and washed her mouth and face with water from the little tap on the sink.
She felt sorry for Charles. She wondered if she should have taken him seriously. Maybe she should have considered him among the 15 men she spent the past few weeks with, she would have had that pleasure of one night with him for awhile. Maybe it was best she kept it distant, best that none of those strangers knew her before or would know her after.
She wanted –if she really meant as much as he claimed- to remain sacred in his memory but how sacred would she be when he finds out she knew they would never see again when she promised to explain things to him when next they see? That she had gotten the doctor’s report before she applied for the loan of 2million Naira?
She went and sat on her bed, picked up her phone and searched for the pictures Oreofe had sent to her few days ago. His Mum had rented a shop and his sister, Bose and himself had followed her to buy clothes and accessories to stock the shop, just like she instructed. She smiled content that they would be fine without her and they she would be long gone for years before they would ever find out.
She remembered their last discussion when she had advised her siblings again not too follow her path, that she was like a sacrificial lamb and all she had done and the extent to which she was willing to go was all so that they will live a comfortable life and not have to ‘hustle’ for it.
They remain grateful, and her Mum though, detailed about her lifestyle, would have a word of advice for her but she regrets not being able to give her a better life and the only thing she knew she had to do was to let her be.
Me sef don try!
She got up, disconnected her line, and went back to the roof she’d being the day she got the report.
She had done all that she needed to die well. She should be happy and feel as light as a feather, like a free bird who could fly anywhere but, if her burden could be weighed, it was ten times heavier now.
Looking from the roof top she saw rows of vehicle, one driver long pressed the hone and another shoot his head out from the window to say something she was too far off to have heard. Pedestrians were crossing now.
Why do people die? What would happen after she is gone?
She felt like she hasn’t even began living, and though she could not understand it, she felt dejected at that thought.
Why are people born and why should they live? What is the point of this entire life that people live?
She was overwhelmed and though her face was frozen on a smile, tears stood in her eyes.
You are born and unfortunately, the choice of being born rich or poor is not yours to make, weather male or female, in a developed world or in an underdeveloped world, weather intelligent or dumb, weather short or tall, weather black or white… who makes this choices? Who gives life? Where do we all come from? Why are we here in the first place? To be spent, and then die? How do we become what we are?
Her eyes caught the large cross pointing upward from the chapel streets away. She made to run but a sharp pain sent a strange sensation through her body, making her left leg quiver. She held that leg with her left hand and leaped towards the Chapel.
The chapel was open when she got there but empty. She went before the altar and paced around, wondering what she needed to do for God to come down.
She sat facing the altar and could not find the right words or action but after minutes of silence, she wept. She had held-in enough tears to cook a meal, she could not stop herself now, she wept until she was knocked into an unconscious state.
A strong wind blew and the decorative linens on the alter spread and covered her body.
The next day was Sunday. The Senior Pastor had come to pray over the atmosphere before the service started. He was praying and going around in circles on the altar when his feet hit Carina’s body. It was then he noticed the wall has swollen to form a female shape. He gently pushed it with his leg and shivered at the thought but calmed himself too quickly.
He felt angry and stumped out. “They have crossed the line, so they go around dumping their murders in Churches these days!” He was about to call the securities but felt restrained and reluctantly went back into the church.
He reminded himself the scripture that says; “even the foolishness of God is wiser than the wisdom of men” and continued praying until people started coming in for the service. He carried on as planned and almost forgot a cadaver was now part of the altar’s decoration as the service unfolded.
He looked over now, when he and the few people left from the service were about to step out of the chapel.
“She is alive! Make her know how much I love her. Bring her to me.” He heard the Holy Spirit say and rushed down to the altar.
The rest of the party wondered what had happen. They looked to one another for answers but no one had it.
“Pastor Richard, are you alright?” The assistant Pastor asked and following him at the same pace as he approached the altar like a detective new to the job, “Did you see something?”
“Ra… I mean Pastor Ray, can you check what is bulging out from the altar over there?” He said staring at nothing in particular. He pointed to Carina and wondered if he’s{Pastor Ray’s} gasp meant he already know what it is and would not like to go close. He sighed.
She is alive, right?
“Come out of there, I think you had enough rest” He said in a loud voice, lower than a scream.
They moved back almost at the same time when Carina sat up and began to search through the linens to unveil herself. The Pastor smiled and placed his hand on his pounding chest.
Of course, she is alive.
“She is alive everyone, you don’t have to be afraid,” he announced and turned to Pastor Ray, “help her up!” as though he should have known to do that.
Carina smiled, pleased, when she saw Pastor Ray. Young and Handsome. He smelled of lavender. She put hand over his shoulders and let him carry her. She felt disappointed, though, when he dropped her on a chair few steps from where he had picked her up.
“Are you alright?” Pastor Ray asked, stooping beside her.
She took her time to examine who had asked the question. What is with those eyes? He looked like an angel in black suit. Then she examined the question. Is she alright? She lifted her eyes and scanned the entity of the room; the other men in suit that peered with shocked eyes at her, the pews, the large piano at the edge of the room, the altar. That altar.
She felt fine but searched her memory for why she should not be fine. What she was doing with almost a dozen Men in suit in a room that isn’t a room.
“Pastor what is happening here?” Another man asked and the rest nodded in agreement to his question.
“We are about to find out,” he replied and took out a chair to sit beside Carina. “She is going to tell us.”
Carina was shocked. Now alert that she might be in danger. The fine young man has gotten up from where he stooped beside her. When the other men also drew a chair and formed a semi- circle before her she felt scared. Is she is trouble? Should she run? What was she doing here in the first place?
Even in the uneasy atmosphere, Carina felt a bowel of joy within her waiting to be expressed. She felt like jumping around in the room singing these strange songs she had never heard sang anywhere before. She fought hard to hold herself back. Already it seemed she owed the curious eyes had peered at her an explanation; she did not want to have to express her strange behavior too. But the urge became stronger now that she considered it.
She rose up suddenly, startling the others in the room and started laughing and singing and dancing. The men were confused. A Pastor had fallen backward from his sit and Pastor Ray was busy helping him up.
“Give her time, she had just experienced something that is beyond explanation, she would soon come to her senses and tell her story,” Pastor Richard said though he could not tell if someone heard him or not over the loud singing and laughing. He went and sat in the pews and the other Pastor did the same though confused. Pastor Ray came and sat almost too close to him with questioning eyes.
He bend over and whispered in Pastor Ray’s ears, “Our God is awesome, she is never going to be the same again!” They looked each other in the eye and nodded in agreement.
