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The Darkness Under Love

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Everything fucking sucks

We get back to school after a very short weekend. I walk to my locker and get my stuff and go to Mr. Yearwoods. “Oh! You must be Henry, nice to finally meet you.” I start to get really nevours and feeling sick to my stomach. “ Nice to meet you, Mr. Yearwood.” I just want to leave. I just want to leave. I just want to leave.

“Henry, you will be sitting next to Peter Lockwood; he’s over by the window.” I hate my life. “Ok,” I mumbled under my breath. I walked over to whatever his name was. I sat right next to him and pulled out my notebook. “Hello, I’m Peter Lockwood. It’s nice to meet you.” He actually sounded excited to meet me. It weirded me out just a little. I just don’t know what to say. “ I’m Henry. Henry gates″ I guess I new what to say I did not intend to speak at all "It’s nice to meet you.”

I sat questioning why he kept talking to me. I just felt so useless, I have no reason. My thoughts just won’t stop. They just keep going. I got up and asked the teacher if I could use the restroom, my voice breaking. He said sure so I went to the restroom. I went into a stall and started to cry for the first time in so long. “Hello, Is anyone here?” I knew that voice. I heard it before. Peter fucking Lockwood.

I wiped away my tears and started to walk out of the stalls. “ Are you ok?” Peter says in the nicest voice ever. It was hard to process. I have never really had anyone be nice to me. It’s hard to do anything when someone asks a question like that. Because I’m not ok but I won’t say that because I will break and it’s not healthy.

“ Yeah, I’m fine.” I walked out of the restroom and went to Mr. Yearwoods. I stared at the empty seat next to me. Just thinking about what just happened in the restroom. Maybe I’m going insane and he wasn’t really there and I made him up in my mind just like everyone else in my life. I’m just being dramatic and an attention seeker so I just give up. He comes back to the class and he gives me a constructed look of sadness and terror. It’s not like he cares anyway, no one ever cares for me like my sister cares for me or Charlie cares for me. Peter then whispers “You sure you are okay?” No fucking sherloke,I am not “Yes, I’m fine, are you okay?” I ask in a polite manner. He says he is fine and I leave the subject alone. "You want to come over after school, to my house we can play video games if you want?” He asks in a sweet tone.

"I can come over around 2:30.” I say watching the teacher write math problems on the board. The bell rings to go home about 20 minutes later.”I will see you after school hen.” He says getting out of his seat. "Sure and also Peter, don’t call me hen.” Mumbling the last part. We exchanged addresses. I go out of the school and wait at the bus stop. My sister is not next to me she usually is but she is not here today she usually is always here. She should get an award for always being at school all the time. I’m just hoping my parents at least acknowledged she was even there. Even if she is not mentally there she is at least being there physically. And helping her get better but let’s be honest I made that all in my head. That I have a perfect little life and nothing is ever wrong.

I get off of the bus and go inside and up the stairs to see my sister and see if she is okay.”Hey, You ok?”I whisper in the dark room.”No, I feel like shit.”She says in a raspy voice.”I’m going to a friend’s house so I can make you some tea before I go.” I say crouching down next to her bed.”Yeah, but whose friend is it Charlie?” She asks. “No, his name is Peter, he sits next to me in 1A and 4B,” I say. “Okay cool now go get me some tea.” She whispers, yelling at me. I get her tea and I look at the time. It’s 2:00, I look at my phone and click on the text that Peter sent me. It was his address, I put on a sweater and walked out the door. It took me about 15 minutes to get there, But I’m not complaining I need to lose weight anyway. I knock on his door, he answers the door. He standing in front of me he’s wearing an orange and yellow sweater and blue sweatpants. I think I might have fallen in love in that split second. I shake the thoughts out of my head.

“Hen you actually came!” He yells as if his head will fall off.”Yeah, I came, But Peter please stop calling hen.” I say I’m trying to sound funny but I’m not funny.”Come inside it’s freezing outside, how did you even stay outside that long?” He asked me.”I walked 15 minutes but I’m fine.”I quietly took off my shoes at the door.”Let us go to my room, We can play upstairs.”He says walking down the hall to his room. I think just for a second I have a change of happiness if Peter was in my life. I think it’s crazy because I have not been happy since I was about 7 or 8. We sit down on the couch in his room.” here you can use this controller.” He says handing me the controller. I feel the controller in my hand it’s cold it feels fake like it’s not real. Like this is all not real and that I’m in some sort of coma. That I can’t wake up from a dream state. I can’t even breathe it. It’s like I’m drowning on land.”So, what do you want to play?” He says well, starting to ramble about all of the games that he has.

“ You can pick, I don’t really play video games often.”I say looking him in the eyes.”Ok, how about Mario kart?” He says turning on the console. We played for about an hour before I realized that this is the happiest I have ever been. But the more I think about it, it’s probably not even real. Like I made it all up in my head and none of it is real and it just slowly killing me and I can’t breathe and can’t do anything about it. It was very irritating, honestly! “Hey, you ok you seem like you are going to have a panic attack.” He asks me, trying to hide the horror in his voice. “Yeah sorry I just zoned out,” I say trying to calm him down. I look at my watch and look at the time 3:03 PM.”I have to go Peter but I promise I’m fine, I’m just overly tired and sometimes I just feel like crap sorry.} I say putting my jacket on and leaving his room. I leave Peter’s house.

I go out of his house and put on my brown and gray headphones and start to listen to Mother Mother, well walking home I start to think why do do everything I mean everything has to fucking sucks.

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