I don't really believe in the concept of free will. Now, functionally I live as if it were true, if only because we can't hold ourselves accountable if we constantly remind ourselves that we're hardwired to act certain ways in certain situations.
Anyway, I bring it up because I can't help imagining things as if free will existed. Like, there's this rich network of possible choices and outcomes that makes up my theoretical multiuniversal existence. Just this endless winding branching series of lives I could have lived, all moving their own way, to their own horizons.
Then they all reach this eventuality. This bunker is like a brick wall, a barrier that clumps all my possibilities into one ultimate fate. Would it have mattered where I was and what I was doing before the sirens wailed and the bombs came down? Either I'd be dead or underground, those were my choices, and even then the choice really came down to when I wanted to die, then or decades from now. Even assuming free will it still comes down to the same result. How could I stop the Earth from dying? Even if there was an eventuality where the bombs weren't dropped and the world stayed as it was, how esoteric a path would I have had to follow to bring about that future? Would it have even been possible for me to have naturally prevented this, and if not, by whose authority was my planet razed, and my life ended?
The answer is simple though. I know the truth, I just dislike it. The truth is that my life was caught in the crossfire of someone else's story. I was a casualty on a road paved with good intentions, and the end result was this. The end result was a bunker that smelled of times long past, of sanitizer and mildew. Because of someone else's ambitions, there are books that will never be looked upon by human eyes ever again, because between those eyes and those books lies enough radiation to kill you a thousand times over.
I guess I could say it's likely whoever did this to me is suffering just the same, but that doesn't make me feel any better. At this point, there's no meaning in vengeance or karma. We just exist now.