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Alien Apology

By jprambling All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Scifi

A Short Statement

'Not again! Bloody kids' Joel thought as he rose from his chair for the umpteenth time that evening. He hated Halloween more than anything else. There was no way he could just ignore them either. The last time he did that, he awoke the next morning to find his tree 'decorated' with toilet rolls and his walls had been pelted with eggs.

Grabbing the bag of sweets Joel opened the door with an air of resignation. Looking at the kids he shook his head. 'It's supposed to be Halloween' he thought as he saw two Batmans, a Spiderman, and some kooky kid at the back with a grey alien mask, it did look amazingly real.

There wasn't much left in the bag so Joel handed it over and the 'Superheroes' left, but the kid in the alien outfit didn't move.

"Look kid, it's been a long night, I'm tired, and I gave your friends the last of the sweets"

'In terms of Earth years, I'm not a 'kid', I'm older than you, and they weren't my friends'

"Well wha- .......wait, did you just speak? Your lips didn't move"

'Thought transference, we did away with speech as it was too easy to manipulate truth into falsehood. Now, are you going to invite me in or not?'

Joel shook his head as if trying to dislodge the thoughts that had trespassed into his brain. Nope the alien was still there. 'Perhaps it's a dream, it must be a dream'. Joel pinched himself but didn't wake up. 'Maybe if I pinch the ali-'

'Don't even think about it monkey-boy' the alien said and pushed past a bemused Joel.

The alien sat down in Joel's favourite chair. 'Maybe I should offer him a drink' thought Joel.

'A cup of tea would be nice'

The thoughts had once again jumped into Joel's head but he heard them as clearly as if they had been spoken, maybe more clearly.

"Can you stop doing that please, it's most unsettling"

"As you wish, no sugar nor cattle excretion .......milk"

In the kitchen Joel's mind was racing as he tried to make sense of what was happening. He had always joked about the existence of aliens but he never actually expected to meet one. Perhaps it was some elaborate joke, he certainly wouldn't put it past the 'friends' he had. Joel took the cups of tea into the room and walked behind the alien. He stared hard trying to see a join in the 'mask'.

"I'm real you idiot and if I could I would roll my eyes"

"Okay, that's it! Enough already, why are you here, and why me?" Joel demanded.

"I needed a moron" the alien said and took a sip of his tea.

"Why not a scientist or the Pope or someone?" Joel said completely missing the moron remark and ergo going some way to justifying it.

"Trust me, you weren't my first choice. Religious folk chased me out of town with pitchforks and scientists want to dissect me, no, it has to be a moron like you"

"What has to be me?" Joel asked a little nervously.

"We are leaving soon and we need to issue a short apology, as well as a thank you. All you have to do is take a few notes and post them on the internet. When what I tell you starts happening, people will eventually take notice. It will be waaaay too late by then of course, but hey, we tried"

Now the shock was over a thousand questions sprang to mind.

"Whoa monkey-boy, one at a time"

"Is there a God?" Joel asked.

"Yeah, about that......" the alien said with a pained expression "I think it's best I start at the beginning. We come from a small Earth-like planet that was swallowed up when the former star Betelgeuse started expanding into a Red Giant"

"Former star? It's still there" Joel corrected.

"I'll get to that, now just shut up and listen" the alien said and went on with his story.......

In their search for an alternate planet to inhabit the extra-terrestrials had already earmarked Earth as being a possible 'Goldilocks' planet. The fact those chosen for such a journey would never come back was a gamble it was unethical to take. Even with technically enabling them to travel at 75% the speed of light, the 642 light years distance would take a millennium. The imminent demise of Betelgeuse made evacuation and such a risk necessary.

When the aliens first arrived on Earth it looked to be the perfect place to settle. Early hominids were little more than apes just as the aliens had been on their world at one time. Technically the aliens were in fact human, homo sapiens sapiens sapiens so to speak. The problem was their star had cooled significantly more than the Sun and if caught in direct sunlight it would kill them. The early hominids then became a problem in that they couldn't mine materials or even help build shelters.

It was decided to explore one of the other Goldilocks planets but one with an older star. In the mean time they could artificially inseminate groups of hominids to give an evolutionary fillip. That way if they ever had to come back the hominids may have evolved sufficiently to at least mine materials. The anomaly of travelling at speed for great distances meant although only a few decades will have passed for the aliens, on Earth thousands of year will have passed.

There was a lot of debate about interfering with the evolutionary process, but at that stage hominids were little more than 'pets' of sorts, and it was argued there was no cruelty involved. The decision was made by a huge majority vote so the abduction and insemination of select specimens were effected.

Time passed as the aliens wandered through space searching for a new home. Generations of aliens evolved in the sterile environment of space. Hair was the first to go, then noses, ears, and teeth. Evolution decided there was no need of such things, but it also meant the aliens would be even less able to endure Earth's sunlight. On their return to Earth the aliens found homo sapiens neanderthalis and the genetic modification looked to have been more successful than thought possible.

There were still naysayers among the aliens, especially when it was decided to work on the success and do further experimentation. It looked like Earth was the only option and now their home planet was destroyed the aliens needed to build a telescope. The other Goldilocks planets they knew of were completely uninhabitable and from Earth they could maybe find more. In addition if the humans built shelters the aliens could organise work forces for minerals. That was when the Eden Experiment began.

The idea was to allow a human embryo develop in an alien womb. All seemed well at first but it sparked a new bout of outrage from those declaring such interference was an unethical abomination. Using the time and space anomaly to 'fast forward' Earth time, the aliens returned in time to witness the first signs the naysayers may have been correct after all. One of the second generation modifications slew the other. Examination of the corpse showed a significant change in brain structure, the new hominid brains were less honed towards vision and motion but it gave them the ability to reason.

The problem was the rapid evolutionary boost had bypassed the hominids learning natural wisdom. The ability to reason then became a flaw rather than an asset. Humans developed emotions, among them envy and fear.

"The rest is history" the alien said with an awkward smile and Joel glared at him.

"So you're saying all the problems with us today are your fault?"

"Er, wellll, yeah you got me ....sorry!"

"And you're not gods and didn't create the universe?"

"The universe ha ha, no. You've got to admit though, in a sense we did 'create' you lot"

"So what's with all this 'deity' stuff then?" Joel pressed.

"Strictly speaking that's your own fault, you made assumptions and we sort of went along with it"

"Went along with it?! Have you any idea how much trouble...."

"Look, I'm apologising here, we meant well"

"Meant well?! You wanted our planet and our gold" Joel sneered.

"We tried lots of times to put things right but it just seemed to make things worse. We gave you technology" the alien said brightly.

"Yeah so we could kill each other even faster"

Now Joel had someone to blame for all the problems with mankind he wanted to vent at the alien but there was something else nagging at him.

"So why are you leaving?" Joel asked.

"Well you know I said 'former star', Betelgeuse went supernova about 600 of your years ago. The shockwaves should hit Earth in about 40 years. It will almost certainly destroy the magnetosphere and you will lose your atmosphere and then your oceans until you become a dust planet like Mars"

"So what are you saying?"

"You're doomed"

"Can't we do anything about it?" Joel asked hopefully.

"You could have evacuated and colonised somewhere else if you had used the technology we gave you wisely, but now? No, you've had it. I suggest you start being nice to each other and make the most of what time you have left"

"You said you wanted to thank us, what for? For messing our species up and abandoning us after telling us we're all going to die?"

"Not exactly" the alien said and looked a little sheepish again.#

"Well what then?" Joel demanded.

"When we leave we're taking all your gold with us, I mean, be a shame to waste it"


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