Roomates: Part 4
“Wow, I’m sorry to hear that.” Elizabeth said as she pulled up to the apartment. “Yeah I know, I’m still surprised that he isn’t dead yet. I mean after this many years, the Saal’qurakis should have done more damage.” Qnaris said as she exited the car, and opened the trunk. “Never, EVER do that again.” Rahool said, shivering from the trunks cryo-systems. “I promise nothing you little twerp.” Qnaris said as she grabbed Rahool by the neck. “Qnaris, I understand you have some history with him. But is it really necessary for you to rough him up like this?” Elizabeth asked. “Not really, but you’ve hearing him, right Auta-M’toon?” Qnaris said. “Please don’t call me that. I know enough Ulaagrag to know what that phrase means and it’s demeaning.” Elizabeth said.
Qnaris only looked annoyed. “Seriously? It bothers you more that I call you a robot then manhandling the Vaalation?” Qnaris said. “They both bother me actually. Furthermore I-”
“SILENCE!” Said Richard bombastically, interrupting the former robot pop-star. He was clad in only his bathrobe, his slippers, and holding a wooden duck under his arm. “Richard! Oh man it’s so good to see you again!” Qnaris said as she walked up toward her ex-boyfriend. “Fair maid! Why ist though manhandeling thy talking Penguin?” Richard said bombastically to his former alien girlfriend. “Well we met at the grocery store, and he spent all of that time verbally abusing me for the… incident.” Qnaris said, vaguely referring to the incident that turned Richard into an insane madman.
“All is forgiven dear STOP FARTING MARMALADE Qrnaris. It was my folly to take your Saal’qurakis, and further more DISHSOAP IS NOT A GORILLAS BEST FRIEND. Despite any problems we’ve had in the past over this, you are free to ONLY WHEN FRIED IS POULTRY TO BE SERVED live with us again if you so desire.” Richard said. “Seriously? Your just going to let her live with us after everything that’s happened?” Rahool asked. “Verily Rahool! Now come in Qrnaris, eat with ADOLFA HELGA IS NOT HER REAL NAME us and join us in marry making!” Richard said as he dropped his bathrobe, revealing that he was naked and went back into the apartment.
“Was he like that before you left?” Elizabeth asked as Qrnaris averted her eyes from Richard. “No, not even naked, and why aren’t you looking way?” Qrnaris asked. “I have a filter that pixilates… explicit areas of organic bodies.” Elizabeth said awkwardly. “So… have you ever been to a nudist colony?” Qrnaris asked, Elizabeth only punched the alien mercenary in the shoulder. “Cheeky, though seriously I have been to a nudist colony. In fact that’s… that’s where that specific piece of my software was tested. The sight of naked Valaations in broad daylight… mating will haunt my nightmares until my dying days.” Elizabeth said shuttering.
Later in the day, the three friends were having dinner… or to be more specific just Richard, Rahool and Qrnaris were having dinner. Elizabeth was just recharging, trying not to think about when her creators had her test her software in a Valaation nudist colony. Rahool was not happy about Qrnaris apparently living with them again. “This is really good, never been a fan of Human cooking. But this is good food.” Qrnaris said as she shoved a mouthful of pasta into her mouth.
“It was my pleasure. I’ve been taking some cooking classes since I moved in.” Elizabeth said as she was reading a book, her recharge cord sticking out of her waist and plugged into the wall. “Yes, her food is good. The best part is that it doesn’t tell me disturbing visions of the future. Like this one time I made soup that told me that the Eden Solaris cluster was going to be invaded by ancient alien monsters. The same ones that destroyed the ancient Ulaagrag civilization at that. I mean how ridiculous is that?” Richard rambled. Qrnaris nervously swallowed her food when her ex-boyfriend stopped babbling. “Anything else on that note?” Qrnaris said, trying not to look scarred. “We’d all be turned into gophers, and be forced to eat nothing but raw donkey livers.” Richard said.
Qrnaris only breathed a sigh of relief that Richard wasn’t technically talking about what she was afraid of. What exactly… I’ll explain latter. “In my experience, it’s better not to take any of his more bizarre non sequiturs seriously.” Rahool said. “And his less bizarre ones?” Qrnaris said cautiously. “Well from what I learned from being around him. Only take them serious if they have preexisting context.” Elizabeth said. “Yeah that to, also if you don’t mind me asking, if you’re going to be moving back into our place and-”
“I’m sorry, but I only came to this world to stock up on supplies because… well. I have a big mission ahead of me, and Icarus is one of the closest planets to my destination.” Qrnaris said solemnly. “WHAT?! B-But I offered you to move back in and everything!” Richard said in surprise. “I know, but… but I have a job to do. But fortunately I have enough time to remain where I can at least spend some quality time with my friends.” Qrnaris said as she hugged both Richard and Rahool.
“What about me?” Elizabeth asked in confusion. “Don’t see why I can’t get to know you. Besides, I’ve been meaning to find an excuse to do ‘girly things’ and. Well you’re most likely to know what Human females do for such things.” Qrnaris said to the gynoid. “Well I’ve never actually done anything like that. What do you assume Human females do anyway?” Elizabeth asked. “If I were to make an educated guess or two, nothing that my people do. Like training, Hoosru tipping, training, drinking, training, practicing looming, training, singing, training, suffice it to say. What we Ulaagrag normally do for recreation can get very repetitive.”
“Well that all depends, how do you feel about hygiene?” Elizabeth asked. “Hey I shower when I can! It’s not easy getting a decent wash when you’re on an uninhabited planet. Especially if it has hostile weather, like this one time I was fighting a planet that had nothing but acid rain.” Qrnaris said defensively. “It was a simple question, there’s no need to get so defensive.” Elizabeth said. “Okay but what does hygiene have to do with anything?”
The following morning Elizabeth took Qrnaris to a spa. Qrnaris was being held down by robot drones on a table as they performed their duties. “What is the point of all of this?! Why would any sane being think this fun?” Qrnarisroared as the robots rubbed some sort of purple like substance on her skin. “Well I hear that being rubbed with Azure Acid Goop can leave your skin feeling nice and soft. Doesn’t work for robots, but my creator was kind of a vain fop in some areas. He wouldn’t shut up about such things.” Elizabeth said as she watched Qrnaris’s treatment with an amused grin.
“HOW IS THIS MORE PAINFUL THEN PLASMA BURNS?!” Qrnaris yelled as the purple goop seeped into her skin. “As I understand it, AAG is a plasma based byproduct. Though I’m not sure why it apparently hurts more than the real stuff.” Elizabeth said as she proceeded to wax her cheeks. “Why… why would any sane people deliberately inflict this kind of pain on themselves?” Qrnaris said as the goop was soaking into her skin.
“Vanity of vanities, all of the dumber things Humans allow to happen to themselves is out of sheer and poorly thought out vanity.” Elizabeth said. “Please tell me this is the end of it?” Qrnaris said as sat up, her skin a dull shade of purple from the AAG. “Oh no my dear, this is only the beginning of what’s going to be done to you. I sprung for the whole spa treatment.” Elizabeth said, Qrnaris’s eyes widened in terror, and the robot workers dragged her off to continue the spa treatment. “Mind the steam room gents! Ulagraag don’t sweat the same way most other lifeforms do!” Elizabeth shouted as Qrnaris tried to claw her way out of the grasp of the robot attendants. “I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS IRON SHANKS!” Qrnaris screamed as she was forced into a pod like object.
“It’s your own fault darling. You didn’t know that ‘girly’ was code for… well all this kind of abuse.” Elizabeth said, mildly amused with these turns of events as she began filing her finger nails. “How do I keep getting iron shavings under my bloody finger nails?”