Hitler for President
It was April 23, 1945. Adolf Hitler trembled ceaselessly both from nerves and a potentially fatal medical condition his physician couldn't explain. He tried to sleep, but the shaking, headaches and anxiety made it impossible. He attempted to eat his breakfast, but gruel and toast was tasting worse every day.
Nearly three months had passed since Hitler and his entourage had shut themselves in the bunker. The war was going badly. The British and Americans were advancing eastward across Germany. The Russians in Poland were even closer. A few SS divisions that had never seen action were trying to stop the Russians. Hitler was hoping against hope that they might somehow reverse the course of the Russian advance. He awaited word of the battle.
Nearly six hours later Hitler was lying in bed staring at the ceiling and heard a cautious tapping at the door.
An attendant brought in Colonel Kohl. Kohl had been bringing Hitler news from the Russian front for three years. Much of it was bad, but the look on his face foreshadowed the worst news of the war.
"My fuhror, the Russians have broken through our lines. They continue to fight, but they are scattered and behind the Russians now. Nothing we can do will stop the Russians from reaching Berlin in three days."
Hitler had known fear before, but nothing like the terror those words presented. He quickly dismissed Kohl with no orders, and told his attendants not to disturb him until morning.
Shaking almost to the point of convulsion, his head throbbing and nearly in tears, Hitler sat on the bed pondering his future, pondering his past, wondering what he had done wrong, what he could do now.
Suddenly there was a flash of light in the room. Hitler had to shield his eyes for a moment. When he slowly peeked through his fingers he beheld a most unusual sight. It was about the size of a small helicopter, including a glass window and door. The front opened and three men emerged.
The first was a balding man in a lab coat. The other two wore NAZI uniforms. The man in the middle was a classic Aryan. The third was shorter and looked just like...
"Heil Hitler" they exclaimed, saluting and smiling.
Hitler acknowledged the salute and sat on a nearby chair, still dazed.
The Aryan spoke first.
"We come from the future, the year 2015, 70 years from now" he began. "This man is professor Dorf. He invented this machine. We wish to take you with us. This man," he continued, will take your place, give a few simple commands, then kill himself and have the body burned with gasoline, as history says you did. My name is Mueller."
It was a long time before Hitler spoke. He touched them to confirm they were real, then studied the strange device.
Dorf explained that they represented a large worldwide organization of Hitler admirers and had spent years perfecting this machine. "We have to leave in about five minutes, with or without you."
Hitler examined the machine and his lookalike, then asked "And Eva?" referring to his longtime mistress and newly-wedded bride.
"She has to stay and die. Her body will also be burned. Will you come with us or not?"
"I'll go" Hitler said, still doubting his senses.
The lookalike gave a lusty heil as the trio entered the machine. In a flash of light they passed through time and space, emerging a moment later in a room filled with young, vibrant NAZIs, heiling and applauding as their hero emerged from the machine.
Hitler was guided to a table where nurses took his vital signs. Dorf sat opposite and pointed to three pill bottles. "These will cure your illness and end the shaking. These will stabilize your mood. These will give you a great night's sleep. First you must rest and be well. Then we will talk."
After taking two of each pill and a light but pleasant repast Hitler was ushered to a large room by a butler. Dorf followed.
The room had a large bed, several comfortable chairs and bookshelves to the ceiling on three walls. The fourth wall had devices Hitler didn't recognize.
"You've heard of televisions. They are very large now," Dorf stated, inserting a rectangular brick into a compartment. A moment later they were watching Hitler's "Today Germany, tomorrow the world" speech. "On the right wall are films, arranged in chronological order by year. Place any of them you wish in this slot and watch them. Books on the other two walls are arranged by year and subject, and this machine," he continued, pointing to a smaller screen at a desk, "will tell you anything."
He typed on the computer's keyboard the name Adolf Hitler and pointed. "There, 23 million articles, films or other documents contain your name. You can learn anything. This gentleman will bring you meals made to order and anything else you want. Rest, get well and we will talk in about a month."
Following the best night's sleep of his life, Hitler woke refreshed and slowly examined the documents. He started with silent movies he remembered from his prime. It was several days before he dared look at anything dated after 1945. He watched as much as he could stand of Casablanca and finally started considering the titles of films and books after 1945. Many of them were about battles and things he knew well. With each passing year the titles and descriptions became more strange.
On day 10, his shaking behind him and his mind and body refreshed he approached the computer. He began to search the fate of his friends and associates.
Goebbels killed himself in the bunker.
Goering killed himself after being sentenced to death.
Hess was declared insane and imprisoned.
Eichmann was captured in Argentina.
Then the shocker. Was that Albert Speer apologizing? Hitler spent hours watching Speer giving interviews, making speeches and telling all manner of secrets.
He looked at other NAZI-related news stories from after the war. An SS guard named Kurt Waldheim had been President of Austria. A used car salesman named John Demjanjuk had been tried repeatedly for war crimes for over 20 years and was still in custody when he died.
One more story nearly knocked Hitler off his chair.
A GERMAN POPE!
Not just any German, an ex-NAZI, an SS guard, elected on Hitler's birthday in 2005 and still alive and active 10 years later. German surely are the master race, he thought.
Hitler learned a lot over the next few weeks, feeling healthier and stronger. Then came his appointment with Mueller and Dorf.
They sat at the same table he had seen first. Mueller spoke first as the butler brought a large portfolio and set it before Hitler.
"Our organization has over 13,000 members scattered all over the world. They serve as clerks, in the military, in colleges and consulates. A few hold elective office. We are all devoted to the cause. A larger organization also supprts us and has even more influence, but their loyalty may not be quite as strong. Only those of us here know you are with us. You may open the portfolio."
The first page contained a birth certificate for a baby named Albert Hipple, born in Wichita, Kansas on February 10, 1959. The next pages included baby photos, immunization records and a baptismal certificate.
"What is this?" Hitler asked, looking at a first grade report card.
"If you accept it, your biography."
Hitler looked perplexed, so Mueller continued.
"As you may have learned by now, the last few US Presidents have been rather disappointing. This country is crying out for a man of action, a man with ambition, enthusiasm and a plan for the future-a man like you."
Mueller stood for emphasis. "It is now May 2015. We have voice coaches, speech writers, political consultants, fundraisers, everything you need to help you become the next President of the United States. Will you run for the office, Mr. Hipple?"
'And if I refuse" Hitler said after a few moments of reflection.
"We will send you back where we found you," Mueller replied.
"You can send me back?"
"Can you send me back a few years earlier, to do things differently?"
"We can but we won't" Dorf said abruptly. "You're no good to us dead decades ago, even in victory. The world needs you now."
"Then I'll do it!"
"Mueller pushed a button and the room filled with jubilant people, bringing a cake and chanting:
The campaign had begun.
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