Mind Logs from The Cerberus Order

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Tape 9


Hey, do you remember simpler times? Our biggest problem was slow internet. We’d get so wound up when it had to buffer. We’d leave it for ten minutes and return back, only for it to play a second before buffering again. We’d hesitate to reload in case we lost our progress even though we’d been down this road countless times before and reloading always worked. Why did we hesitate? We were living in the peak of the tech age and we couldn’t get the fucking internet to work properly.

Remember when we first met? We were dumb teens in high school wearing those god ugly green uniforms. It felt like we’d known each other forever, laughing, joking about dumb shit while people probably judged us because we got along ‘too well’ according to many. We were always together so much that if they saw one of us, the other wasn’t far behind. We even got in a lot of trouble, our parents hated it, especially that time my mum caught us smoking pot at the park. She said you were a bad influence. It was my idea but, she refused to acknowledge that I wasn’t an angel.

We knew each other better than we knew ourselves sometimes. I never really knew if that was a good thing or not. Those times I’d put on a brave face, only for you to tell me I didn’t have to be strong all the time. Or when you got hurt and wanted to cry but you were scared of what others would think, so you hid your tears behind your laughter. You cried on my shoulder later that day.

We were in our late teens and became more than friends, you were never the type to be close, not that you hated hugs. I know you loved my hugs. It just wasn’t really something you did. But we kissed. We’d both kissed people before, but I remember freaking out because I’d never kissed a girl before. It was different and scary. Defiantly scary. You were my best friend and I was confused so I ran off and didn’t speak to you for a week. It was weird, I expected you to be pissed at me, but you weren’t, you gave me the space I needed and pushed when you felt like you needed to. You told me it was scary for you too because you’d never truly been in love before. It was kinda live a cheesy movie moment and we both laughed at the thought while you reassured me everything would be okay.

We were a team once. We shared a dream, we shared a life. We shared everything. Our emotions became one. If one was in pain, the other fought twice as hard. If one was upset, the other would carry them.

But you left. You were in pain and you wouldn’t let me fight for you, or carry you or help you. You shut me out and put walls up. I think you wanted me to be happy and I was mostly but every day I saw you, you got further away from me like I’d done something wrong.

But I did do something wrong didn’t I? I was taking those pills you hated so much. But they were making me better, why couldn’t you understand that?! You told me they made me worse, they made me fake and shell of myself. I’d tell you how you were wrong, how the world was getting better at last, people were nicer to each other and we were finally looking after our planet! Everything was fine! It was okay! But you were unmoved, you wouldn’t believe me. I kept telling you, you were wrong. You were wrong!

But you weren’t.

I took too many didn’t I? I didn’t really need them, you told me that and I didn’t listen. I was wrong. You’d hold back tears when you saw me chug them down like my life depended on it. I wanted to ignore all the shit that was happening in the world. I think everyone did, because we weren’t fixing anything, it was like we collectively gave up and decided to find a method of ignoring it.
Eventually you gave up telling me, maybe only giving the occasional sarcastic comment, but you gave up on me. I sound bitter about that but honestly, I don’t blame you. You’d look so tired and it was my fault. I made you like that. The fact that you were still there meant you hadn’t given up on me completely and I wish I could thank you for that much. It probably didn’t change anything but at least I got to spend a little more time with you before the world collapsed, even if it could have been better.

We were supposed to be always and forever. But in my quest to be happy I destroyed everything around me, I destroyed you with my false happiness and uncaring nature. I dragged you down with me and we became monsters together, but it should have just been me. You shouldn’t be in here with me. Why are you here? Please leave. Please let her leave. It’s me! I’m the monster! Not her!
“What are you doing to her?!” Leave her alone! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! “What are you doing?!”
I can hear you in the room next to me. I can hear you screaming. You’re shouting my name. Calling me every name under the sun. You’re saying this is my fault. I know. I know it is. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I love you.

I love you.

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