Chapter 15 - Food
I was awake. Why?
The den felt empty. Apoc had left me.
And then I heard it... a buzzing sound like a mosquito. It was making passes overhead, it sounded like it was going up and down long rows. Finally it moved on.
I moved hesitantly to the opening and peeked out. Apoc bounded up, another offering in his mouth, it was a half-eaten sandwich. It was soggy but I didn’t care I practically inhaled it. Where had he found a sandwich?
Apoc headed out quickly today.
At one point he jumped on top of me and pushed me face first into the snow. I stiffened and made ready to throw him off. I was angry until I realized there was a helicopter buzzing the trees overhead. It stayed cold and the snow was staying under the trees. Again, he dug out a den for us. Comforted by the food I curled up and fell asleep.
I awoke to long slow licks on my neck. It felt so good. I turned my head slightly to let him lick my neck from another angle. And slowly, methodically, it felt so good, I got the chills. I wriggled with delight. The licking continued and then I felt him nibbling on my neck again. I think I tried to laugh. It tickled. His teeth closed over my neck again still gentle, but firmer this time. He rolled me onto my belly. I felt his weight on top of me, so I pushed back into him to push him off.
But I think, that was the wrong thing to do. It seemed to light a fire within him. The jaws on my neck held me firmly. And I felt him behind me and on top of me. My delight turned to terror. I realized where I was, and I could feel him hard against me. I could feel him pressing against me. I tried to talk. I tried to tell him no, this was not the way. I tried to tell him this wasn’t right. Nothing was coming out as words. I tried to squirm but my neck was held firm. I managed to get my hips to the side, but I felt him drag himself across me as he repositioned himself to enter me. ‘I’m not a dog’. ‘You can’t do this!’ I screamed in my head. I kept squirming and I felt him again and again putting himself on the entrance. I was sweating and crying. But I could feel that I was getting moist. My body was betraying me, it was getting wet. I don’t know if it was really sweat, I squirmed harder, but he hunched his back legs and trapped me. I couldn’t move.
I felt him enter me. And I stopped thinking for a moment. I stopped thinking about how wrong this must be, what laws I was breaking. And I just felt.
And then it all came rushing back, ‘No, No, No, NO! You can’t do this. I’m not. NO!’ I knew he couldn’t know how I felt. For him this was just biology... just nature taking care of business.
He began to thrust and I lost my thoughts again as the flow of pleasure rushed up to my head. It had been months and months since I’d felt physical pleasure and it hit me like a wave. I moaned in pleasure and agony. I couldn’t remember why this was so bad, but it felt wrong and good, and I just wanted it to keep going and going and... and to stop right this instant. I wanted to hit him and bite him and to lick his face and nuzzle into his chest.
Too soon, he finished and stopped. I felt so stretched and full it really hurt but the pleasure covered it up nicely when he was thrusting. Now it just felt sore... but it wasn’t getting any smaller and was starting to hurt. When was this going to end. I whimpered. He rolled to the side and took me with him or rather I took him with me. He was still inside of me. I tried to pull away, but he was firmly stuck inside of me and it hurt worse trying to pull him out.
The long comforting licks were not as comforting now... I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to think of myself. I thought about what I’d done. I thought about what I’d done to give him the wrong idea. It was my fault. Could I blame him for following his instincts? He’s just an animal and doesn’t know any better. But a part of me burned with hate.
The last man inside of me had been Shen. He’d raped me the night before he began the “treatments” as he called them. And now he’d made sure that he’d be the last man I’d ever have. I was only good for dogs to rape now. No man would ever look at me as a woman again. But I couldn’t hate Apoc for just being what he was... he hadn’t meant to hurt me.
Finally after what seemed like an hour he got soft enough for me to get him out. I could feel him inside of me still sloshing around. I rolled away from him and spent the night colder and more alone than I believed possible.