Chapter Nineteen | Broken Pieces
Never, had the word ‘love’ left Viktor’s lips, and never had it been about someone he despised. But now, while looking at the situation in another view point, everyone could see that he meant it. Even Azyriah who was skeptical about the entire situation, understood it’s what Viktor wanted. And whatever he wanted, he’d find a way to get it: no matter the cost.
He felt as if he couldn’t love, and that we would never be worthy of the act. Even with everyone around him, he couldn’t bring himself to become somewhat vulnerable, and bring down the walls he had taken years to build, so people couldn’t fight through them and ruin him from the inside out. He never felt the need to express his emotions, and he never felt as if anyone would care. Talking about what was happening in his life with others made him feel like a burden, and instead of feeling better, he’d feel guilt. The guilt of expressing how he felt with others and guilt for not being able to help those around him in return. On the contrary, he’d write out whatever he’d be feeling on a piece of paper and watch the flames blacken and curl the edges, as the paper turned into nothing but a pile of ash and burnt promises. It wasn’t healthy - he knew that - but it was the only way he could get his feelings out without causing those around him to worry.
“What’re you two whispering about?” Azyriah’s voice startled the two, who were staring at each other, lips parted, and quietly exchanged words through their glances towards one another.
“Viktor here, has some news that-”
“One word, Jay. One fucking word, and I will grab that gun in your holster and blow your brains out.” Viktor’s voice was stern, and it startled both of them: Azyriah, more than Jay.
“Fine. Just this once. But you have to at least tell him.”
“Hey, jackass. I have a name; and it’s Azyriah. Az to my friends, but since you’re obviously pissing one of them off at the moment, you’re not a friend, but more of an enemy. And if I remember correctly, you’re also the son of a bitch who broke my little sister. ”
“I hate to break it to you, but she isn’t your sister, Azyriah. She doesn’t have any family let alone people who care enough to adopt her into their lives. You four - Viktor, Blayne, Cayden, and obviously you - couldn’t care less about what she’s going through. You just want to seem like you care so you have a better chance of getting into the Academy, but trust me. They don’t care about any of that. They just want to know that you’re mentally and physically strong enough to complete the course.”
“I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I? And it’s taking everything I have in me not to get up and strangle you right now. I already know Viktor here wouldn’t do anything because he hates your sorry ass, but me? No,” he chuckled, contemplating what to say next, and what would be best. “I, Jay Frazier, would close my hands around your throat and slowly but surely choke you to death. I’d do that as I watch the life leave your eyes, your lungs take their last breath, and your limbs give out from the lack of oxygen with a smile on my fucking face for all the shit you’ve done to her. And I most certainly will not be saying her name, for I know you know who I’m talking about, and she doesn’t deserve her name to be said around a man, no sorry, heinous imbecile, like you.” Viktor was shocked. He always took Az for someone who was calm and collected twenty-four seven, and when he was speaking a manner such as this, he didn’t know what to do with himself.
Everyone in the booth was on edge: whether it was from the day’s earlier events, or what was happening now, they didn’t know what to do with themselves.
“I think I’m going to head out and take Jordeyn home. She’s probably freezing and waiting on the steps as we all debate what to do about him,” Viktor said, stealing a glance towards Jay, “and to be completely honest, it’s useless. No one wants death... Well, besides Azyriah over here but that’s beside the point. I care for her, if not, love her, and I don’t want to watch her get beaten down again for the final time. I don’t want to watch her soul break and not be able to come back from it, because she doesn’t deserve it. She doesn’t deserve any of this, and to be quite honest I think we should leave Jay unharmed, and focus on Cayden, who decided it’d be funny to attack us all at lunch and break Blayne’s heart.”
“Yeah uhm, Viktor? Can I talk to you about that?”
“Go ahead, I’m listening.”
“So uhm... earlier, when we were all sitting together before Jordeyn and I went inside, I figured you were in the bathroom because you weren’t there. But, Cayden pulled up in the parking lot and Blayne ran, so I followed her to make sure she was okay and-”
“Please tell me she hasn’t started cutting again...”
“I swear, did everyone know about this other than me? I mean yeah, we both have and sometimes still are, but I didn’t think that-”
“I’m sorry, you, are cutting yourself? Let me see your wrists.”
“Now.” Viktor forced his arm into his hand and ripped the sleeve up to his elbow. There, on his arm, was one new, shallow cut, and a rubber band around his wrist. “I- Az... Are these new?”
“Are they, or are they not?”
“Since today. Now I didn’t do it, but when Blayne was about to, I caught her in time. I showed her mine, and told her that if she was going to cut herself, she had to do the same to me. I told her she had to hurt me like she was going to hurt herself, and that I wouldn’t take no for an answer. It wasn’t over a healed one, but it also wasn’t near a major vien so I’m not concerned about it. But she hated every single second of what she was doing to me, and after, I explained to her why I had done it.”
“But Az, I knew that you were trying to stop, so why exactly did you tell her to do it?”
“Because seeing her take a blade to her wrist behind that dumpster is burned into my memory, and every time I see or hear her crying that image comes back. I didn’t want that image to stay with me forever, so instead, whenever she’s crying, I’ll see her take her pain out on me. And that, Viktor, is how I knew and now know that I care for her more than I care for myself. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on my way to take her home. It’s beyond late and if I’m correct, it’s about one a.m.”
He swiftly slid out of the booth and maneuvered around Jay, who studied every swing of his arms and every step of his legs as if it were a three part question on a math test. “Blayne... Blayne, where are you? We need to get going.”
“Az?” Her head popped out from around the corner; her flaming red hair drenched and disheveled from the dark rain, and a stream of tears dried on her face created exquisite patterns on her porcelain skin. Her voice was molasses and involuntary shivers coursed through her body: it could’ve been from the cold, but he knew it was due to the stress of the days earlier events.
“Blayne, I’m sorry. I didn’t-” his words were cut off by his body rocking back from the force of her body colliding with his, her arms wrapping around his neck, and her nose buried in the nape of his neck. “Hey, hey, hey... talk to me. What’s going on?”
“Az, I can’t anymore. It’s just... I can’t do this anymore-”
Her lips crashed into his.
Their mind, body, and soul merged into one, and for that small fraction of a second, it was only them in the world. Nothing and no one else mattered but them, and the world stopped rotating with the beating of their hearts. The rain stopped, as the moon rose over the horizon and shed a blue haze, glazing over Azyriah’s eyes. The tears biting at the corners of them sprung free and mixed with hers. They both knew it was impossible to love each other. Blayne had her Cayden, and Azyriah was the second choice. Nevertheless, they needed each other. They wanted one another in all their glory and beauty, but they needed each other for the pain: the pain of their past, the pain of their present, and the pain they would both experience in the near future. They were one soul split in two, and joining back together after going through the seven layers of hell to meet each other once again.
Blayne pulled away and looked up, peering in his eyes, and wishing nothing more or less than to lose herself in them and forget about all her problems. Her pain, her mentality, all of it. She wanted to leave everything behind and start over. Start over with her friends, start over with her family, and start over with everyone in her life. She was exhausted beyond the help of sleep dealing with everything in her life. But Azyriah knew what was happening to her. His company alone was enough to calm her nerves and make her feel whole again. Whole, where there was no Cayden, no loss of a three year relationship with the one person who she thought was the one, and no stress over life, schoolwork, and keeping the act of happiness at play. With him, she could be who she really was. Letting herself go, and not having to think twice about getting judged. She knew she had feelings for him, but didn’t want to admit it. She felt as if she loved him, but didn’t know how to act on it, because of Cayden keeping her hostage. She had regretted writing all of those poems and love letters for him because she knew that in the end, she’d go back to Azyriah. It would always be Azyriah.
Azyriah went tense at the loss of her lips on his and he contemplated on whether or not it’d be best to ruin the moment by pulling her back in, or letting him give her space. Her electric blue eyes looked up at him through her lashes, the sight of dried trail of tears leaving shimmering lines on her face and a pained smile spreading across her lips. He wanted to loose himself in them: the lips that parted as she laughed, the lips that spoke kind words of everyone around her, the lips that smiled and put on the mask of false happiness. He wanted to feel her lips on his as the world tumbled and crashed down around them and it was only her who kept him tethered to a broken world. Her touch alone was enough for him to forget the pain he had gone through in the past and the pain he’s still going through today. He didn’t understand why, when he knew she’d never be his he’d never be hers, but he couldn’t care less.
Azyriah Smith loves Blayne Carver. With all the broken bits of his soul, he loved her.