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Squirrels with Guns

By Timothy Trimble All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Scifi


I threw this together during lunch one day, on a whim. A little short, but hopefully you’ll enjoy.

Squirrels with Guns

The man reached into the trunk of his car, grabbing the last bag of groceries. He stepped back with the bag in one hand and started to close the trunk lid when he felt a nudge on the back of his leg, just below the knee. He turned, expecting to see a toy left by one of the neighbor kids.

What he did see caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand up. His heart rate instantly doubled as a red laser beam slowly moved up his face and stopped in the center of his forehead.

The gray squirrel was standing on its hind legs. A flak jacket covered its chest but drooped down almost to it’s feet. Either it was a very poor fit or possibly a modified rain coat painted to match the local brush, and with the sleeves ripped out. But the most important accoutrement was the miniature M16 with the laser targeting scope.

The silence seemed to last forever as the man contemplated his options. He knew how reactionary the squirrels could be. A slight twitch and he could be a bloody corpse laying in the driveway. Assassinated by a squirrel.

The man drew in a breath in preparation to asking the squirrel what he wanted. He assumed the squirrel was a “he”. He wondered if the females were this aggressive?

Before he could utter a “What…” the squirrel spoke in a high pitched gravelly voice, “Peanuts! Gimme peanuts!” The squirrel’s tail started twitching up and down, smacking the driveway without a sound. The squirrel continued rapidly, “Peanuts, peanuts! I’ll shoot. Gimme peanuts!”

The man slowly moved his free hand out toward the squirrel — palm facing out. “D’ don’t, don’t shoot!” he responded in as mild a voice as he could muster.

He slowly knelled down and placed the bag on the driveway. He reached into the bag and pulled out the full two pound, clear bag, of roasted and shelled peanuts.

The squirrel’s tail twitched even more rapidly as he watched the man place the bag of peanuts onto the driveway.

The bushes off to the side of the driveway seemed to explode as four more squirrels ran out. They were chittering rapidly as they scrambled over to the bag of peanuts — each one grabbing a corner of the bag. The squirrel with the gun kept the laser dot pointed on the man’s forehead as the four other squirrels ran off with the bag of peanuts.

The squirrel with the gun slowly backed away from the man — the gun still pointed at the man’s forehead. When it was out of kicking distance the squirrel quickly turned and dove off into the bushes.

The man paused for a minute to make sure the last of the squirrels were gone. He picked up the bag of groceries and reached inside to pull out another two pound bag of peanuts. As he turned and closed the trunk lid of the car, he chuckled to himself, “You’d think they would learn by now I always keep a spare.” He laughed as he disappeared into the house.

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