Yesterday just after lunch I was catapulted into the future. As it was explained to me later, an extremely rare, undetectable but massive magnetic discharge tore the fundamental quantum foam asunder in the corner of my living room near the bookshelf, depositing me decades into the future. I can still hear the high-pitched hum that assaulted my eardrums as this astonishing voyage commenced. My mouth tasted like metal, a taste which lingered for hours. Rapidly the hum morphed into a series of soothing silvery tintinnabulations. Tinkling or maybe more like a whisper. I felt like I was being pulled or strained through some sort of diaphanous material - gauze? A spider web? In a matter of moments I found myself in the back of a crowded auditorium behind a row of chairs covered in dust. The place was kind of a mess with paper cups, ketchup packets, etc. lying around. I watched as a large, elderly East Asian man [he actually looked a bit like my dad] stepped forward and walked in front of two signs on his way to a podium. In the center of the first sign was a big red Chinese dragon. This sign said: International Leadership Renaissance 2088 Year in Review Huan Ying Ni The second sign read: Slip carefully when wet [What?] Thinking fast I turned on my computer (which had accompanied me on this fantastic trip), and I began typing every word he spoke. Here is his speech:
I see quite a few gray heads in the audience. [no actual gray hair apparent] I tell the young people back in our day the one language you learned was English. Do people even learn languages anymore? Fewer and fewer now speak the old imperial tongue and isn’t it all for the best? I imagine, with my retirement, this will be the last address given in English.
Another year has gone by and our beloved leadership cadre has gifted us with even more progress.
Alfonso Schubert was chosen for the vacant seat in the cadre. To no one’s surprise. Only the third non-Chinese to hold this post. The rise of the ever popular and ever joking Herr Schubert causes us to reflect with satisfaction upon the really special and growing relationship between China and Mitteleuropa. I only hope that Mr. Schubert will now learn to pronounce the word guanxi now that he has so much of it. [laughter]
And speaking of special relationships I was very happy to see Dravida Nadu join Myanmar and Bangladesh in the [inaudible].
[From the audience] [inaudible] always complain it’s too hot?
This is my old friend… I know Hector you are really in your hammock, your latest teenage concubine – I think from New Orleans – serving you Dicos. We Chinese must get used to the weather in Bangalore, Irkutsk, San Francisco, Hawaii, Queensland [pause] Singapore, Kenya, Vancouver, Peru… [laughter] the Andaman Islands…
Longevity records continue to be shattered. Grandma Tanaka is now 141. It is said the first person to live to be 200 is already born. We truly live in an age of miracles.
Thousands of matches with glow girls (and glow boys) continue to be made every year. Cosmic blue is their best seller I believe. Have you seen the new offering from WC Corporation? The girls are covered with beautiful iridescent feathers everywhere except face, hands, feet. And like the commercials say the feathers can now be shed or regrown in a matter of weeks. Hence fewer are discarded. Less waste.
My mentor took me to K Club a few years back and we met some very gorgeous flitty [??] glow girls. He was very strict with them, which you have to be. He called the first set brought out soiled and dismissed them. You should have heard them wailing, “Don’t neglect us!”
Our scientists have produced fertile soil on Mars and rich crops. Through perseverance we’ve overcome disaster and the future for Xin Xian and the underground Mars colony in general looks bright and exciting.
Let me say a few words regarding the stupid “protest” that marred the 40th anniversary of the Mars landing. Have you heard about it? Thankfully our media did not publicize the nonsense. These pathetic protesters built this giant hollow man out of metal with a big mouth that opened and shut. They were screaming and throwing rocks and bottles of orange soda and other stuff at the hollow man. [inaudible from the audience] That’s right Bing Feng. As darkness descended they lit a bonfire and held a big banner which proclaimed: So What. Envious malcontents… You could just glimpse the neon all-seeing eye above through the smoke. The smoke was really billowing, just about everything up above was obscured. Did I mention that most of them were stark naked? The reek of unwashed bodies and burnt plastic! A few were wearing just masks. Some guy had on a white wedding gown. Another was wearing only the top half of a gorilla costume and a bonnet with flowers. Banging pots. Very loud circus music. Terrified girl being chased. A sweaty, red-faced, obese dwarf was up on a platform angrily shrieking about something (all I heard was feedback). A double amputee stood by his side and occasionally joined in the shrieking. The dwarf began the animal sacrifices. Bowls of steaming blood were flung at the crowd which resulted in even greater hysteria. Who are the sacrifices made to? And worst of all my good friend Mr. Li the First Secretary was present to witness this stupidity and ingratitude! Unresponsibility! Can you imagine the many hours of work she [male or female?] put in to arrange the anniversary celebration? I know how hard-working he is (as am I). These hooligans… I was happy to see them arrested.
I don’t know what has happened to our young people. This morning I saw a young man about 19 just lying on the cement with blood on his chin and mouth. Another shirker swallowing sweet lotus, his personality disintegrating all over the sidewalk. Once crispy cereal turned to a mushy mess. Of course he was singing that stupid, inane… [monotone chanting] The more ridiculous the lie the better, that’s how they manifest their power. You don’t have to lie any more to the people, you only have to lie to yourself. Insipid…Our efficient police soon swept him away.
The Zheng He probe speeds on its way and within a few years will roar out of the solar system, the fastest man-made object ever, beautiful, voluptuous in its velocity! The nature of such probes, the fact they are unmanned has caused controversy though I don’t know why. Even worse has been the controversy regarding the admittedly massive costs for the Moon colony, controversy in some circles. It’s part of a larger phenomenon, the (alleged) Great Disappointment. No alien civilizations, no faster than light travel, the hardships of human space travel - all rather frustrating I know. As has been suggested: Stop mixing fantasy with scientific predictions. Let’s not dress up scientific progress with magic, with the unfettered imagination. Keep them separate. View classics like The Worm Ouroboros and The Adventures of Esplandian and the Epic of Gilgamesh to see the future in entertainment.
And VR has progressed as well. We’ve all stood amazed at the developments in BCI thanks to Future Science Prize winner ZZ, Zhang Zhenyi. At times it seems like a suboptimal development. “The real world abandoned.” [It sounded like he was quoting someone.] However, I enjoy the fun & really sensational virtual tours. Really educational. I’ve gone to the Amazon, Antarctica, the troposphere (thrilling!), the caves of India (including recent discoveries), the microscopic, colossal (I strode across Australia in a minute then jumped into space. I toggled from VT to VR, when I kicked Mercury across the Solar System I almost broke my toes.) I’ve visited Mars of course, I especially enjoyed the tour of the Marianas Trench (the clinging amphipods, a sudden encounter with a glowing jellyfish). Walking on the seabed. My grandson was not so impressed. He kept whining, he wanted to get back to War of Wizards. That’s the sort of thing Mr. Benjamin Dover would say or what’s the other… [audience member] Miss Clamydia Pusswallow
I also love VPT. I’ve gone to ancient Athens, ancient Alexandria, ancient Xian, Thebes (the Egyptian one), Pompeii, the tsunami, Old Vienna, Pyro [or Pyrrho?], Garden of Babylon, the Colosseum, the Cretaceous.
Another trend I’ve been hearing about the Hard World, you’ve heard about it, people in fantasy worlds looking upon the real world, our world, as the fantasy world. People in virtual worlds actually buy copies of Hard World and start playing. So weird! As weird as those people who pretend they are objects like a girl’s doll or a snowflake or (I’m not kidding) a fork.
Tai Shan of Shandong has again won the world championship, the strongest man in the world. No one can beat our massive mountain of muscle!
The gleaming International Trade Tower, faceted with thousands of mirrors, has been completed in Samarkand. The only building outside China greater than 1100 meters. I’ve been there, it’s colossal! A lot of credit goes to visionary Louis Sebastian Mercier as well as the prime ministers of Uzbekistan and Iran. Check out the nearby indoor garden of mythological beings created by Olidon 5 when you visit: withered trees and artificial flowers of intense color.
As everyone knows I took an extended fact-finding tour in April and May sponsored by the Asia-Pacific League of Friendship. Governor Hadrian hosted a dinner and meeting with the authorities in Palestine. We enjoyed a truly valuable meeting wherein we focused on inter-agency strategic planning. The authorities have finally, after the most savage provocation, effectively cracked down on Jewish terrorist activity. Some say it is unfair to speak of Jew terrorists, but I met with victims of the Hebron bombing and have no such misgivings. Why not be honest? I was deeply moved talking to the mother of one of the young victims, who hugged me with tears in her eyes.
I was moved again when I visited Zambia to attend a hotly anticipated meeting with the Secretary for Mines concerning the new procedures manual. At the meeting I happened upon a delegation of women in colorful garb from an array of African nations. They all told me they were so grateful for the Compulsory Sterilization and Abortion Program that is now serving women and their families in every single African nation. The Prosperity or Bese Saka Program has succeeded where Western aid programs had conspicuously failed. It’s hard to believe not so long ago unlicensed reproduction was still permitted with no regulatory oversight whatsoever. A young woman came up to me after a talk I was asked to give and embraced me with tears in her eyes, so thankful for the truly effective Bese Saka Program.
I also met with my close friend Ambassador Wu and toured briefly the destruction in the Central African State caused by the stubbornness of the old regime. We shared a luncheon (plate after plate of shrimp with a delicious mayonnaise-based dipping sauce) with the renowned soldier-scholar General Tran who served in an advisory capacity during the conflict. True to form we found him very concentrate his book Beyond Good and Evil at the hotel bar. We were all happy to see the old backward anti-homosexual anti-abortion government toppled. The price has been high, but the price is worth it. It took sanctions and a bombing campaign – when will they realize resistance is futile? All the devastation – so upsetting! I would go through sleepless nights after my C.A.S. tour. Individuals who really knew me saw me going through that pain and I received many comforting contacts.
We detected flashes of light in the surrounding hills and were told the last few enemy outposts were being destroyed. “Bomb the hell out of them,” declared General Tran, “noble work to turn this jungle into an irradiated desert!” It’s hard to disagree, the enemy has refused negotiation despite Ambassador Wu’s conciliatory and mild and merciful policies.
A victory parade was held in our honor at the national stadium, and I insisted we attend despite the danger. We had excellent seats on high where we could enjoy the comings and goings of the populace, the comical gyrations of the whole anthill. We watched the drones buzzing in perfect formation under the dome. The bands played. The really enthusiastic crowd tossed ripe fruit to us in thanks for their deliverance, a charming local custom explained by the new C.A.S. president (who is quite popular). When he arrived with his heavily armed bodyguard the people applauded excitedly.
In the U.S. many cities continue to deteriorate – investor confidence disappearing. I’ve seen them: crumbly sidewalks and weeds a meter high. The ugly riots continue. Massacres on both sides. I witnessed them while I visited Cape Town. Racial hostility is boiling over. The Upper West Side pillaged, ravaged: rapes, murders, apartment buildings burned to the ground. And look what happened in Cambridge! After all the leadership has done to achieve peace! The leadership wants peace very, very much! I’ve read so many articles warning about the serious threat posed by the radicals, and more articles detailing and condemning the atrocities.
I was scheduled to visit the U.S., California, and then Hawaii but my expertise was urgently needed for mopping up operations in Yakutia so this portion of my tour had to be canceled. I also inspected the Siberia Alaska Peace Link which was still not fully repaired after January’s terror attacks.
On a more positive note, the exciting Hangzhou entrepreneurs at Immersion Technologies have produced more groundbreaking art. Following the successes of last year’s Life of Archimedes, The 8 Immortals, David Sassoon, Detective Dee and the Queen’s Peril, and The Magic Paintbrush Part III this year’s offerings: Siddhartha, Buccaneers and Buried Gold, Survival of the Fittest, The Magic Lamp, The Dark Forest remake, Tristan and Iseult, and The Return of the Calabash Brothers, the last created by the same program Ozuno as the original, have generated a lot of fun & excitement. I had a chance to meet one of the stars of The Return of the Calabash Brothers fabulous Li Li at the post-screening/Mid-Autumn Day party held in the Cellar Club, Gold Coast, Queensland. She glowed in her fluorescent flamingo plumage! What would we be without our fabulous & creative artists?!
In regard to morbid productions like this Struldbuggs “masterpiece”, I have to ask: Why is this still available for sale?!
Is there a connection to the evil Non Serviam cult, the worst of our suicide cults? Evidence indicates the answer is yes.
Have you seen the controversial video on CCTV? You should have. The close up of the crescent moon. That guy dressed in what looks like a lavender vampire costume holding his sign: Nothing is important. All the hooded cult members standing in a line, calling out the words (Jump in darkness timeless Cut the cord which binds us), jumping off the tower. How can we combat this evil? The Nons object to serving as God’s slaves ever since they were brought into this world without their consent. Can’t we educate them and show them there is no God in the first place? Also let’s not exaggerate the threat. This is not the Golden Era of Suicide Cults as some hysterics claim.
This threat is as dire as the terrorist hate groups that scream about Eastern imperialism replacing Western imperialism. Think of comparing the benevolent, enlightened wisdom of our rule with British colonialism! So much ignorance! Think of the generous loans we’ve provided! If only I could communicate to you the high moral standards to be found among the mining executives and arms dealers in Africa and South America! These maniacs carry a bomb in one hand and a holy book in the other. We’ve got to eliminate extremist religious types faster than they can reproduce. The ever-growing hordes of religious fanatics, even infecting the homeland, are a cancer. Kwees [??] culture must be preserved. Artificial wombs have saved advanced nations, but this will be for naught if the backward peoples are allowed to breed with abandon.
Finally, let me declare opinions we all have them but decisions must be made by the experts, those with the training and the certification who understand the ever growing intricacies and complex cities of our technological society. Everyone knows, I am famous for saying: Stop whining and get behind the leadership. We are so lucky to have them. Cranes standing among a mass of dirty clucking chickens! We are certainly living in the happiest time in history. Let’s not rock the boat. I remember well the old blather of democracy and free speech by which they meant corruption and hypocrisy, stupidity and waste and hysteria. The only free speech I want to hear about is freedom of speech for our leadership!
The audience who I realized by now was, with a few exceptions, entirely virtual commenced applauding. What’s odd is that the applause went on and on. No one seemed willing to stop.
Without warning I felt myself again pulled through time. The trip was of greater duration this time. First I thought I was fashioned of glass and about to shatter. I could feel the light refracting within me: my crystaled flesh trembling and bewildered. Masked figures suddenly appeared, assembled in chorus, wailing as they witnessed some unknown tragedy. Then I was stretched like I was a rubber band man. The colors of the rainbow and other unimagined colors too washed over me, in a torrent almost drowned me. Finally I arrived in the same spot on the floor next to the bookshelf. My glasses still on top of the book where I left them.
Had this really happened? I could detect a faint tinny taste in my mouth and I could see the words I wrote on my computer. But I still couldn’t believe it.
I’ve bought my ticket, I’m flying to China on Tuesday.
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